Christmas.

Int' Christmas brilliant?-as a much better comedy writer once said.
My favourite time of year bar none. The decorations, the tree, the presents-giving not receiving because i can't do that fake 'ooh it's lovely' expression as my own face chooses that exact moment to betray me and gives a look of 'what the actual fuck!' Gin is always a winner incase anyone i know is reading this. A loofah mit or a pair of silver pop socks will not cut the mustard. And of course the food. For the rest of the year i will try to avoid cake or chocolate or pies but for some reason as soon as the first of December rears it's festive head i will eat my own body weight in bad carbs and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me. I will literally sacrifice my own children for a massive piece of gala pie. I will eat all of the chocolates off the tree and blame the dog. I will gorge myself on black forest gateaux, prawn rings, roast potatoes, crackling, stuffing, pigs in blankets, pate and trifle. Sometimes all at the same time. By the time boxing day comes around i have to wear my maternity knickers and be carried to my own car like a tubby cleopatra with a penchant for calories.
My alcohol consumption is ridiculous. When else can you drink prosecco for breakfast, cocktails mid morning, wine with lunch and whatever's left during the Queen's speech? However, i draw the line at sprouts. They are, afterall, the devil's tescticles.
The decorating of the tree is my thing. Every year i let my kids do it because they love it. We put some Christmas music on and they get to work. After an hour or so the tree looks like it may topple over at any second because absolutely every trinket or bauble i own has been festooned upon it. It resembles a shrine to the God of shiny bollocks. Where the fuck did that tinsel even come from? I HATE tinsel! The last time i saw it was last Easter when it was inexplicably hanging out of my dog's arse while he dragged is bum hole around the garden. Once the kids have gone to bed i take everything off the tree and decide on a colour theme. This year it's blue and silver. Classy. Fairy at the top-not a star-and presents around the bottom. Thankfully my girls no longer believe in Father Christmas so i don't have to hide presents all over the house/garage/shed/attic and then attempt to find them and wrap them after i have had a wine or two.
I am notoriously bad at wrapping presents. My intentions come from a good place but i tend to lose my will to live after an hour or two and at this point i will usually revert to my safety net of the gift bag. My mum and sister are brilliant at gift wrapping and i'm pretty sure they partake in competitive gifting. The bows and the ribbons get more ridiculous every year. My mum has recently started to pour tiny metal stars or snowflakes into the layers of paper so when it is opened a shower of these aluminium bastards will adorn every carpet or surface like a fucking steam punk diwali festival. I hate them! They get every where and should i decide to strip naked and sit on my sofa drinking gin once the kids have gone to bed (it's christmas don't judge me) i will occasionally have to pick some out of my bum crack.
Christmas is a great time to spend time with your relatives and friends and feel part of something wonderful. That is until some relatives and friends who don't seem to know when to leave make me feel nostalgic for the good old days when nobody visited and you could put a bottle of wine in the fridge and it'd still be there 2 days later. I call some of them 'the exorcist' because when they finally do leave all the spirits have gone.
Don't get me wrong though, Christmas is a time for family get to togethers, loving thy neighbour (even the ones across the street with no curtains and a giant pentagram painted on their living room wall in what looks like blood) and wondering what the new year might bring.
I absolutely love Christmas and insist everyone around me gets excited too. Bah humbugs and Grinches can just piss off.
Christmas is brilliant.