Sex

I can comment on this as i have two children so i've definitely done it twice. Sex used to be a taboo topic but these days everyone's talking about it which isn't necessarily a good thing. It doesn't matter how old i get if i hear my parents mention it i do a sick in my mouth and then poke out my mind's eye. It' almost like the human race has only just discovered fornication.
 There are so many different sexual orientations that the good old hetrosexual is virtually passe. Back back back in the day we had straight, gay and bisexual but now we have transgender, transsexual, binary, non-binary, gender fluid (which i thought was something found on prostitute's handbag) and pan sexual...wtf is pan sexual? is it someone who masturbates into crockery or gets aroused by Peter Pan?
I'm a hetro female because i fancy men. I'm not at any point going to think 'hey, you know what...i think i'm going to sample drinking from the furry cup'. Other women are not my thing although i do appreciate the female form and all of it's flaws and imperfections because i am one. I like muscles, hairy chests, beards and willys, although some might argue that the first three of my criteria can be found in the lesbian community anyway.
Once you've seen one nob you've pretty much seen them all. The variations are only slight ranging from length to girth. If your'e lucky you'll get the holy grail-both. For those of us ladies that have given birth vaginally to one or more children girth is very important. You can't make dough with a needle as my dear old nan used to say who was also a mum of three.
As a hetro woman i'd like to point out that nobody, straight or otherwise, likes-as i refer to it-a spaghetti cock. These are the longish skinny members that wouldn't touch the insides of a drinking straw. Neither use nor ornament. Don't come at me with one of those because you'll be wasting my time and yours.
If your'e lucky enough to be having sex in the first place then good for you. If your'e lucky enough to be having good sex then your'e living the dream. I have friends who haven't had sex for years. Not because they're unattractive but because they just haven't met anyone. Today's 'sex market' has tools to aid you in your quest such as Tinder, grindr, CFNM parties and loads of others but we as people still prefer to clap eyes on someone at work or in a club and think 'i wouldn't mind a go on that'. Animal instinct is what drives us and ultimately what makes us procreate and keep the world turning.

Sexual positions are a relatively recent invention despite what the karma sutra claims. You have the standard three (or the holy trinity) that most sexually active people will have experienced. The missionary, or mummy and daddy sex, is probably the most common. Lying down, man on top pumping away like a sewing machine in a power surge. This position is ideal for intimacy as it's face to face so lip and eye contact are an inevitable delicious bi-product. If your'e only using this position then you really need to open your mind or run for the hills. It's the one position where you'd most likely hear 'pull my nightie down when your'e finished love'. Not very imaginative but does the job. On top is a favourite of the female as she is in control of the outcome. From behind, or the doggy position, tends to be a favourite of the fellas as he's in control here when the rest of his waking day he's being told to pick up his clothes, take the rubbish out or cut the grass. Although pleasurable for both parties the bloke will tend to 'go off' first much to the annoyance of his partner. This will often result in the silent treatment, which to some men might be blessed relief or sex being removed from the agenda for a month. Us women like this position because it means we don't have to look at the ridiculous faces men pull at the point of no return. I have been known to actually burst out laughing which is a bit off putting. One draw back of the doggy position is when air is pumped into the recipient resulting in a fanny fart or quife which can send the guy's love length flying out at such a rate of knotts he could have his own eye out or get whiplash. If this happens to you my recommendation is simply to style it out.
Obviously there a lots of other positions which i've looked up for research purposes only. Some have really bizarre names like 'the wheelbarrow' (go on then i'll try it but don't take me past my mum's house) 'the rocking horse', 'the catherine wheel', 'the bridge', 'reverse cowgirl' (good for the less well endowed fellas), 'the plough' (similar to the wheelbarrow but in a field-i imagine), 'the toad' and the beautifully named 'ascent to desire'. Look them up. They exist and coming to a sex life near you! I've tried a few on the list but unless i warm up beforehand i'm more likely these days to get cramp than climax.
For some folk sex isn't enough to get their freak on. They need extra stimulus and i'm not talking about sex toys like the rampant rabbit, finger bobs or the bully boy black prince anal intruder. I'm talking about kinks and fetishes. Swinging, dogging, impact play, bondage and voyeurism are listed in the top ten of British favourites.You've probably heard of all of those or maybe practise a few but what about omorashi? This is becoming or being aroused by observing their partner wetting themselves. I imagine omorashi practitioners who happen to be single would do alright hanging around the back of a pub or club at kicking out time. Teratophilia is a sex fetish that involves being attracted to people with physical deformities. I bet the hunch back of notre dame was beating them off with a stick. Coprophilia or scatophilia is a poo fetish, where the person likes nothing better than to observe his or her partner having a shit crouched on a glass coffee table while they lie under it. Legend has it that hitler was a fan of this particular fetish. To be fair if watching someone curl one out over glass seems disgusting he did do a lot worse. It also makes me wonder if this was the real reason my neighbours were barred from DFS. They do have pampas grass in their front garden which incidentally is the international bat signal for 'swingers live here'. The kink that amused me the most is dendrophilia or arbophilia which is when someone is sexually attracted to trees. It brings a whole new meaning to the term 'tree hugger' or 'i've got wood'. A friend of mine at uni used to post her worn knickers to people on line for a fee. It paid her way through her degree. Another friend of mine is a dominatrix and her best client likes her to lock him in her shed while she shouts 'slag!' through the keyhole.
To conclude this weeks blog i'd like to finish with a simple request. Where can i purchase a bully boy black prince anal intruder?
Asking for a friend...