SHOPPING

I hate shopping. Any form of it. Clothes, groceries, presents but worst of all-window. What is the point in that? Unless you're shopping for an actual window why go out without any money to buy nothing? Why do people put themselves through that? It's first world madness.

Shopping on any level is the most tedious past time since camping was invented.

I try to get my grocery shop done in one go in the shortest time possible. I bet Usain Bolt couldn't beat me.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that. Parking is the first hurdle. Everyone tries to park as close to the entrance as is humanly possible. I've seen people parking in the disabled bays without a badge, getting out of their cars and putting on an exaggerated limp  dragging their leg across the car park like an extra from Saving Private Ryan. I've seen people parking in the mum and toddler bays with kids who have more facial hair than a cornish folk festival.

I have a list and i do not deviate from it because once that happens it's game over. Although if i spot a shop assistant with a reduced sticker gun i will follow them like a gila monster tracks it's prey because if i can get 2 pence off a loaf of bread it's a small victory for the consumer. A win is a win. The worst culprits for making me deviate from my list are my kids. I would rather put pins in my eyes than take them with me but sometimes i have no choice. I warn them before we go in 'no messing about, no fighting, no can i have can i have, no sticking fingers through cellophaned pieces of meat and definitely no eye gauging.' 'we won't mum' they promise, their earnest little faces looking up at me and like a mad fool, i believe them...every time. Within two minutes of entering the supermarket i have a trolley full of slime ingredients, giant share bags of skittles, 17 pencil cases and the eldest has the youngest in a headlock shrieking 'mum, she said my legs look fat!' Meanwhile the middle child has tried cous cous off one of those sample stalls and is spitting it into the hand of a mortified shop assistant.

People who walk around supermarkets at such a slow pace they have visibly aged since they first went in are a pet peev of mine. And it's not just the elderly (gawd bless 'em) for they can move like the wind when the reduced stickers come out, it's the couples who are so in love they hang off each other blocking the aisles saying stupid shit like 'oh darling, do you remember the first time you made me eggs benedict for breakfast and brought it to me in bed with a glass of prosecco and a rose you'd picked from the garden'. If the supermarket burned down they'd probably just lay in the ashes exclaiming 'is it warm in here or are you the hottest thing on earth?' These people make me wanna puke! It's people who for some reason don't have a list and just bumble up and down the aisles until they decide what they fancy for tea. These people make me want to hurt myself! It's people who bring the whole family shopping from babies to great grandparents. Why?!!! They must either be gluttons for punishment or they just like winding me up! These people make me want to live on an island and eat sand.

The worst part of shopping is the checkout. I've abandoned going to the self checkout to preserve my own sanity. I don't want to run the gauntlet of 'unusual item in the packing area', yes, it might be unusual but i need it to ease the burning when i pee, or 'this item needs approval'...i don't need anyone's approval just because i'm buying 3 bottles of wine at 8.30  on a Thursday morning. Judgemental bastards. 

I choose my checkout with care but it seems to me whichever one i go to the cashier is going on a break or the conveyor breaks once i have put my entire weekly shop on it or the person in front has their card declined and they are forced to play 'which food don't i need this week roulette' or the till roll jams or something doesn't scan. I'm a till jinx and by now i'm ready to take my own shopping hostage and anyone else who looks at me funny.

'Why don't you don't you shop online?' i hear you ask. NEVER!!! It's madness. Tried it once, had a mango replaced with mange tout (whatever the fuck that is), got 20 loaves of bread instead of 2 and a voucher for pile cream-which ironically i needed after the 100 mange tout sandwiches.

For now i will endure the weekly grocery shop in the flesh and all of the idiosyncrasies that come with it because i still have breath left in my body and i'm never one to shirk a challenge.