Friday, 22 February 2019
The observationist: love
The observationist: love: When the rain is blowing in your face And the whole world is on your case I could offer you a warm embrace To make you feel my love. I&...
love
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.
I'm not the biggest Bob Dylan fan in the world but i do appreciate his song writing which has the ability to touch your soul. In my opinion this is the most beautiful love song ever written.
The word 'love' has a very broad spectrum though hasn't it? We love our family, friends, partners and pets but how many times do we say 'i love your hair' or 'i love sausage egg and chips' or 'i love that film' or in my case 'i love that Ducati 916'. We often use the word love for something we really like, however, i do love the Ducati 916 incase Mr Ducati is reading this.
The love you feel for your kids and family is different from the love you feel for a partner. In simple terms you would, without a second thought, die for your kids. You'd put yourself in mild peril for your family but, if your'e being honest, when it comes to your partner (if your'e lucky enough to have one) self preservation kicks in. I'm not saying you love them any less just that it's a different kind of love. I know there are people out there who become obsessed with their significant others and claim they would do anything for them but i'm not sure they would unless they were slightly unhinged. If my fella asked me to make him a bacon sandwich, sew a button on a shirt or give him a lift somewhere i would because i love him. If my fella asked me to slay a kitten with a turkey baster, throw chilli powder in my nan's eyes or burn next door's house down because they looked at him funny i wouldn't do it because it's mental and the recriminations to myself would be swift and uncompromising. Self preservation would most certainly kick in.
Falling in love is such a strong emotion that we often don't know how to deal with it and behave irrationally because we desperately want it to be reciprocated. We want the object of our desires to love us back so we show them the best possible version of ourselves and will often masquerade as their perfect partner. For some reason we don't realise it at the time but the other person will also be doing this. The upshot of that is that if and when you do enter into a relationship after a few months you notice any little flaws in each other and they will either irritate you or if you are actually in love you will accept them. It's a bit like false advertising. If people were actually 100% honest at the start about themselves nobody would start a relationship and the human race would become extinct. For example if i knew that my partner could snore loud enough to wake the kids in the next room and neighbours in the next house, or had a nutcase of an ex-wife, or didn't like crab sticks, or picked his toenails or did farts so rancid they actually wake me up choking and gasping for air i might have thought twice. I know the not liking crab sticks is a small thing but i love them-or is it really like? If he knew that i pluck hairs from my chin, didn't like aufwiedersen pet, had OCD or was very argumentative he'd probably have run a mile. My point is that despite these things we do love each other because all the good stuff far outweighs the shitty stuff. It took me a long time to find my true love and nobody else will ever come close. The best bit is, i know he feels the same. We feel lucky to have each other and we don't take our relationship for granted because we've both been on the other side, Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess.
I'm dreading the day my two daughters enter into their first proper love relationship just incase they get their hearts broken. I think one of the worst expressions i've ever heard is 'puppy love'. It's such an unfair comment and a load of old bollocks. Love is love regardless of your age. The feelings are exactly the same whether your 9 or 99. If somebody were to break one of my daughter's hearts it would break mine too because i love them so much. Their pain is mine. It's only natural to feel huge empathy for your loved ones-especially your children. We can't stop heartbreak from happening and we have to let them live their lives so other than shipping them off to a nunnery I'll be there ready to cry or rejoice with them. I'll be their mum and their anchor ready with either a box of tissues and a tub of ice cream or a new hat. Obviously if some boy does break my little girl's heart i will slay them with a turkey baster, throw chilli powder in their eyes and burn their house down.
The worst kind of love is the unrequited kind. Most of us have been there and it's pretty much soul destroying. You can't make someone else love you but that doesn't stop us trying. Sometimes a knock back can harden your heart and make you cynical especially if you've been in a relationship where you've given everything and the other person has thrown it back in your face. It makes you distrusting, guarded and not as willing to give your heart to another. Some people will go straight from one relationship to another because they don't want to be on their own. I'm a bit of a deep thinker and it took me 12 years of mending and processing to allow somebody else into my life. Everybody is different and that helps the world go around-well that, gravitational pull and magnetic poles.
Valentines day definitely cashes in on love and has done since the 14th century thanks to Geoffrey Chaucer. It's celebrated world wide as a day when couples express their love by paying over inflated prices for flowers, chocolates, cards or a meal out. Saint Valentine was executed for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry. How romantic. These days people just nip off to Gretna Green or Las Vegas. It's worth noting that Chaucer who wrote a poem about the 14th of February being a day where you declare your love for your true valentine actually married for convenience a woman (Phillipa Roet) whose social standing served to elevate his own. She also had a few quid and supported him. When she died he had to get a job, so not a case of practice what you preach or quite the romantic he was perceived to be. He was actually a bit of bell end.
Valentines' day for me doesn't mean huge bouquets of flowers or grand gestures. A home made card and a 'i love you' will do me nicely. That gold digger Chaucer has got nothing on Bob Dylan.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true,
There's nothing that I wouldn't do,
Go to the ends of this earth for you,
To make you feel my love.
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.
I'm not the biggest Bob Dylan fan in the world but i do appreciate his song writing which has the ability to touch your soul. In my opinion this is the most beautiful love song ever written.
The word 'love' has a very broad spectrum though hasn't it? We love our family, friends, partners and pets but how many times do we say 'i love your hair' or 'i love sausage egg and chips' or 'i love that film' or in my case 'i love that Ducati 916'. We often use the word love for something we really like, however, i do love the Ducati 916 incase Mr Ducati is reading this.
The love you feel for your kids and family is different from the love you feel for a partner. In simple terms you would, without a second thought, die for your kids. You'd put yourself in mild peril for your family but, if your'e being honest, when it comes to your partner (if your'e lucky enough to have one) self preservation kicks in. I'm not saying you love them any less just that it's a different kind of love. I know there are people out there who become obsessed with their significant others and claim they would do anything for them but i'm not sure they would unless they were slightly unhinged. If my fella asked me to make him a bacon sandwich, sew a button on a shirt or give him a lift somewhere i would because i love him. If my fella asked me to slay a kitten with a turkey baster, throw chilli powder in my nan's eyes or burn next door's house down because they looked at him funny i wouldn't do it because it's mental and the recriminations to myself would be swift and uncompromising. Self preservation would most certainly kick in.
Falling in love is such a strong emotion that we often don't know how to deal with it and behave irrationally because we desperately want it to be reciprocated. We want the object of our desires to love us back so we show them the best possible version of ourselves and will often masquerade as their perfect partner. For some reason we don't realise it at the time but the other person will also be doing this. The upshot of that is that if and when you do enter into a relationship after a few months you notice any little flaws in each other and they will either irritate you or if you are actually in love you will accept them. It's a bit like false advertising. If people were actually 100% honest at the start about themselves nobody would start a relationship and the human race would become extinct. For example if i knew that my partner could snore loud enough to wake the kids in the next room and neighbours in the next house, or had a nutcase of an ex-wife, or didn't like crab sticks, or picked his toenails or did farts so rancid they actually wake me up choking and gasping for air i might have thought twice. I know the not liking crab sticks is a small thing but i love them-or is it really like? If he knew that i pluck hairs from my chin, didn't like aufwiedersen pet, had OCD or was very argumentative he'd probably have run a mile. My point is that despite these things we do love each other because all the good stuff far outweighs the shitty stuff. It took me a long time to find my true love and nobody else will ever come close. The best bit is, i know he feels the same. We feel lucky to have each other and we don't take our relationship for granted because we've both been on the other side, Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess.
I'm dreading the day my two daughters enter into their first proper love relationship just incase they get their hearts broken. I think one of the worst expressions i've ever heard is 'puppy love'. It's such an unfair comment and a load of old bollocks. Love is love regardless of your age. The feelings are exactly the same whether your 9 or 99. If somebody were to break one of my daughter's hearts it would break mine too because i love them so much. Their pain is mine. It's only natural to feel huge empathy for your loved ones-especially your children. We can't stop heartbreak from happening and we have to let them live their lives so other than shipping them off to a nunnery I'll be there ready to cry or rejoice with them. I'll be their mum and their anchor ready with either a box of tissues and a tub of ice cream or a new hat. Obviously if some boy does break my little girl's heart i will slay them with a turkey baster, throw chilli powder in their eyes and burn their house down.
The worst kind of love is the unrequited kind. Most of us have been there and it's pretty much soul destroying. You can't make someone else love you but that doesn't stop us trying. Sometimes a knock back can harden your heart and make you cynical especially if you've been in a relationship where you've given everything and the other person has thrown it back in your face. It makes you distrusting, guarded and not as willing to give your heart to another. Some people will go straight from one relationship to another because they don't want to be on their own. I'm a bit of a deep thinker and it took me 12 years of mending and processing to allow somebody else into my life. Everybody is different and that helps the world go around-well that, gravitational pull and magnetic poles.
Valentines day definitely cashes in on love and has done since the 14th century thanks to Geoffrey Chaucer. It's celebrated world wide as a day when couples express their love by paying over inflated prices for flowers, chocolates, cards or a meal out. Saint Valentine was executed for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry. How romantic. These days people just nip off to Gretna Green or Las Vegas. It's worth noting that Chaucer who wrote a poem about the 14th of February being a day where you declare your love for your true valentine actually married for convenience a woman (Phillipa Roet) whose social standing served to elevate his own. She also had a few quid and supported him. When she died he had to get a job, so not a case of practice what you preach or quite the romantic he was perceived to be. He was actually a bit of bell end.
Valentines' day for me doesn't mean huge bouquets of flowers or grand gestures. A home made card and a 'i love you' will do me nicely. That gold digger Chaucer has got nothing on Bob Dylan.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true,
There's nothing that I wouldn't do,
Go to the ends of this earth for you,
To make you feel my love.
Thursday, 7 February 2019
The observationist: Embarrassing Parents
The observationist: Embarrassing Parents: My dad holds the record for most embarrassing parent ever. The extreme lengths he went to to show up me and my younger sister are legendary ...
Embarrassing Parents
My dad holds the record for most embarrassing parent ever. The extreme lengths he went to to show up me and my younger sister are legendary and will probably be held forth in in history books for future generations to marvel and poke ridicule at two bewildered siblings.
He once told me that cellotaping orange peel to my teenage spots would draw the spot out and clear it up. Like a fool i believed him and walked around the house with orange peel festooned upon my face like an actual mental patient. Obviously it did not work and i am forever a mockery in citrus based circles.
Occasionally my dad would pick me and my sister up from school to spare us the 4 mile walk home. However, he did not spare us the shame of rocking up in his very uncool Mazda 929 estate with Mike Oldfield's tubular bells blaring out. My friends would laugh and point and shout 'that's your dad that is!' The mortification level was so high I'd refuse to get in the car which resulted in him following me in the mirth mobile down the road shouting 'get in the car'. I'm amazed he wasn't arrested.
Aged about 13 and 10 respectively my sister and i had pals over for tea which my dad insisted on cooking (i should have smelled a rat as my dad never cooked tea). We sat in the dining room while my dad busied himself in the kitchen behind a closed door. Tea was hotdogs and chips with a surprise pudding. We all ate our hotdogs and chips, delicious. My dad makes the best chips ever. Fact. We waited for our pudding cunningly named 'kiwi surprise' discussing what the surprise element might be...kiwi fruit?...sure...ice cream?...maybe...Suddenly the kitchen door was flung open and in leapt my dad dressed as a full on maori warrior. He performed the most disturbing haka iv'e ever seen while carrying four desserts. Our friends found it hilarious. My sister and me were so traumatised and embarrassed by what we had witnessed we vowed revenge of the highest order. It was kiwi fruit and ice cream, incase you were wondering, with a slice of disconcertment.
I went shopping with my dad once into our local town, In my dad's defence for what happened next i did MAKE him come with me and he does HATE shopping. So there i was walking through the town centre on a busy Saturday afternoon with my beloved dad when he became bored. My dad and boredom do not play nicely. He took it upon himself to start dragging his leg and shouting 'wait for me! Don't leave me like last time!' I walked faster, he shouted louder and people started to stare at the spectacle. I stormed over to him and hissed 'stop it dad, your'e embarrassing me'. He then decided it would be hilarious to shriek 'please don't hit me again. Don't use the stick!' If the ground could've opened up i;d have dragged him down there with me. Unbefuckinlievable!!!
Don't get me wrong, i had a brilliant childhood full of laughs and adventures and i wouldn't change a thing. However, I'm a parent now also to two girls who just entering into teenagedom so unfortunately for them it's my turn to become world's most embarrassing parent. Now i know why my dad did it. It's so much fun.
I tell my kids all sorts of mad stuff just to see if my acting degree taught me how to be a really convincing story teller/fibber. I've told them i had a job cleaning chimneys when i was 6 years old. Iv'e told them i have two other daughters that i sent away to a naughty girls home. I've also told them my mum-their much loved nanny-used to be a spy and that's how she met grandad, Funnily enough they don't believe the first two storys/fibs but the genuinely believe that nanny used to be a spy. My mum and dad like to perpetuate this myth to the point where my mum has actually bought some tight black leather gloves (which she mainly uses for strangling assailants-obvs) and she occasionally talks into the bottom of her sleeve saying things like 'man...aged 50ish...blue audi...took my parking space...have him killed...'
My girls missed their school bus recently due to their tardiness so i had to drive them there. Knowing their friends would be waiting for them at school i wore my pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown and for good measure i put some rollers in my hair. I put on my most embarrassing CD at full volume, in homage to my dad,. I pulled up right next to their group of friends despite my daughter's protests. I made sure everybody saw me and told them both if they missed the bus again next time i would get out of the car and plead for them not to leave me. They haven't been late since.
I have, and i'm not ashamed to say, run alongside a school coach as it pulled away carrying my daughter and her entire class on a trip and pretended to cry very loudly waving a handkerchief shouting 'mummy loves you' She was 13.
One evening they both had friends over for pizza and while we were sat at the table i declared a 'lets see who can make themselves go the reddest' competition. When it came to my turn i strained so hard i may have farted. I say may...i did.
I have hidden behind a shower curtain for 20 minutes waiting for my daughter to come into the bathroom just so i could leap out at her resulting in a scream so loud i swear my dad heard it 20 miles away and punched the air. I have hidden under her bed, in her wardrobe, behind doors and once up a tree. I have pretended to be a non descript foreigner when she phones me and i know she's with her friends and has her phone on loud speaker as all kids do these days. I like to sing badly at karaoke when we're on holiday and i often pretend to be mentally deficient when I'm out with her. I believe it's character building. My daughters believe i'm an idiot.
One day they will look back on their childhood and realise that they had a brilliant, happy fun filled time full of laughs and adventures.
Life is too short to be constantly fixing your eyebrows, going to the hairdressers or not hanging out with your kids. All too soon they'll be gone with families of their own to embarrass, so get off your phones, be silly, embarrass your kids at every opportunity, have fun, make memories and be a parent. Embarrassing parentage is a right of passage. Your parents did it. You do it and in time your kids will do it too. Life is for living. It shouldn't be something that passes you by while the boring stuff happens.
He once told me that cellotaping orange peel to my teenage spots would draw the spot out and clear it up. Like a fool i believed him and walked around the house with orange peel festooned upon my face like an actual mental patient. Obviously it did not work and i am forever a mockery in citrus based circles.
Occasionally my dad would pick me and my sister up from school to spare us the 4 mile walk home. However, he did not spare us the shame of rocking up in his very uncool Mazda 929 estate with Mike Oldfield's tubular bells blaring out. My friends would laugh and point and shout 'that's your dad that is!' The mortification level was so high I'd refuse to get in the car which resulted in him following me in the mirth mobile down the road shouting 'get in the car'. I'm amazed he wasn't arrested.
Aged about 13 and 10 respectively my sister and i had pals over for tea which my dad insisted on cooking (i should have smelled a rat as my dad never cooked tea). We sat in the dining room while my dad busied himself in the kitchen behind a closed door. Tea was hotdogs and chips with a surprise pudding. We all ate our hotdogs and chips, delicious. My dad makes the best chips ever. Fact. We waited for our pudding cunningly named 'kiwi surprise' discussing what the surprise element might be...kiwi fruit?...sure...ice cream?...maybe...Suddenly the kitchen door was flung open and in leapt my dad dressed as a full on maori warrior. He performed the most disturbing haka iv'e ever seen while carrying four desserts. Our friends found it hilarious. My sister and me were so traumatised and embarrassed by what we had witnessed we vowed revenge of the highest order. It was kiwi fruit and ice cream, incase you were wondering, with a slice of disconcertment.
I went shopping with my dad once into our local town, In my dad's defence for what happened next i did MAKE him come with me and he does HATE shopping. So there i was walking through the town centre on a busy Saturday afternoon with my beloved dad when he became bored. My dad and boredom do not play nicely. He took it upon himself to start dragging his leg and shouting 'wait for me! Don't leave me like last time!' I walked faster, he shouted louder and people started to stare at the spectacle. I stormed over to him and hissed 'stop it dad, your'e embarrassing me'. He then decided it would be hilarious to shriek 'please don't hit me again. Don't use the stick!' If the ground could've opened up i;d have dragged him down there with me. Unbefuckinlievable!!!
Don't get me wrong, i had a brilliant childhood full of laughs and adventures and i wouldn't change a thing. However, I'm a parent now also to two girls who just entering into teenagedom so unfortunately for them it's my turn to become world's most embarrassing parent. Now i know why my dad did it. It's so much fun.
I tell my kids all sorts of mad stuff just to see if my acting degree taught me how to be a really convincing story teller/fibber. I've told them i had a job cleaning chimneys when i was 6 years old. Iv'e told them i have two other daughters that i sent away to a naughty girls home. I've also told them my mum-their much loved nanny-used to be a spy and that's how she met grandad, Funnily enough they don't believe the first two storys/fibs but the genuinely believe that nanny used to be a spy. My mum and dad like to perpetuate this myth to the point where my mum has actually bought some tight black leather gloves (which she mainly uses for strangling assailants-obvs) and she occasionally talks into the bottom of her sleeve saying things like 'man...aged 50ish...blue audi...took my parking space...have him killed...'
My girls missed their school bus recently due to their tardiness so i had to drive them there. Knowing their friends would be waiting for them at school i wore my pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown and for good measure i put some rollers in my hair. I put on my most embarrassing CD at full volume, in homage to my dad,. I pulled up right next to their group of friends despite my daughter's protests. I made sure everybody saw me and told them both if they missed the bus again next time i would get out of the car and plead for them not to leave me. They haven't been late since.
I have, and i'm not ashamed to say, run alongside a school coach as it pulled away carrying my daughter and her entire class on a trip and pretended to cry very loudly waving a handkerchief shouting 'mummy loves you' She was 13.
One evening they both had friends over for pizza and while we were sat at the table i declared a 'lets see who can make themselves go the reddest' competition. When it came to my turn i strained so hard i may have farted. I say may...i did.
I have hidden behind a shower curtain for 20 minutes waiting for my daughter to come into the bathroom just so i could leap out at her resulting in a scream so loud i swear my dad heard it 20 miles away and punched the air. I have hidden under her bed, in her wardrobe, behind doors and once up a tree. I have pretended to be a non descript foreigner when she phones me and i know she's with her friends and has her phone on loud speaker as all kids do these days. I like to sing badly at karaoke when we're on holiday and i often pretend to be mentally deficient when I'm out with her. I believe it's character building. My daughters believe i'm an idiot.
One day they will look back on their childhood and realise that they had a brilliant, happy fun filled time full of laughs and adventures.
Life is too short to be constantly fixing your eyebrows, going to the hairdressers or not hanging out with your kids. All too soon they'll be gone with families of their own to embarrass, so get off your phones, be silly, embarrass your kids at every opportunity, have fun, make memories and be a parent. Embarrassing parentage is a right of passage. Your parents did it. You do it and in time your kids will do it too. Life is for living. It shouldn't be something that passes you by while the boring stuff happens.
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