Thursday, 27 June 2019
The observationist: Public Transport
The observationist: Public Transport: I drive so i don't use public transport very much. I ain't no bus wanker! I was a bus driver for nearly four years and the calibre o...
Public Transport
I drive so i don't use public transport very much. I ain't no bus wanker! I was a bus driver for nearly four years and the calibre of passengers was questionable at best. I'd have people getting on drunk at 11am who'd leave a suspicious looking stain on the seat., horrible teenage girls with so much makeup on i should've charged them twice, OAP's who often smelt of wee or cats or both and the most annoying of all passengers-parents with screaming babies in prams so big nobody else could get on and probably wouldn't want to. One drunk woman got onto a colleagues bus, lifted her skirt and while pointing to her unkempt lady garden said to the driver 'can i pay with this?' Without batting an eyelid my colleague retorted 'do you have anything smaller love?' See, the calibre of a bottom feeder. Bus wankers.
Taxi drivers are a rare breed aren't they? If i were a taxi driver i'd probably be a border line serial killer because of the amount of times they get asked 'been busy mate?'-at pub/club kicking out time or 'what time do you finish?' at the start of their night shifts. These two questions should fall under the jurisdiction of harassment and mental torture then be followed up with a kick in the shin to the punter. London cabbies are my favourite because they lock you in until you've paid the fare. It's like a hostage situation until you find your purse or wallet. I once got into a London cab aged a mere 21 years old on a very cold and foggy day. I was expecting some kind of Dick Van Dyke-esque cheeky cockney chappie using his best rhyming slang who would perhaps chirp 'ello me darlin, this bird of a feather is bleedin awful. It's got me in a right two and eight. It's like a pea soup out there innit?' Instead what i got was a foul mouthed sweaty bald man who shouted 'oi! treacle! are you getting in or what?' i got in and then he graced me with a phrase i'd not heard before or since 'fuck me! it's as thick as an elephants spunk out there innit!' Charming. I suspect his finishing school was bombed.
Trains are a tedious form of public transport. For long journeys you book your seat only to find some dickhead has sat in your spot. After some deliberation checking not once, not twice but thrice that you have the right seat, right day and right train you approach the fugitive seat wanklette. First off-they are not asleep. They're merely doing a crap impression of a coma victim so feel free to poke them and say 'excuse me, you are sat in my seat'. We then feel compelled to show them our ticket as proof. I find if they refuse to move or are rude in any way retaliate like a crazy person and ask them if 'they want some'. I'm not sure what 'some' is but most people back down at this point. I've never had anybody say 'oh yes please. I'd love some' which is a good job because that's all i've got-bravado and a menacing stare. The toilets on trains are a delightful combo of other people's bowel odours and loo roll so harsh it removes the outer layer of your skin should you be forced to use it. There's always piss on the floor and some pithy quote carved into the back of the door like 'Shazza sucks dog cock' or 'Mark is a bummer'. If your train is on time then you my friend are winning at life. If you end up with a replacement bus service because, as is all too common, your train has been cancelled, then you my friend are a bus wanker.
Aeroplanes (or airplanes if your'e from the U S of A because i know you like to be different) are a curious form of public transport. We get in this big metal thing designed to look like a bird in flight and then it hurtles down a run way at warp speed and takes off. The smell of aviation fuel fills our nostrils and our brains are screaming 'what the fuck are you doing!!!?' and then we are flying. It's the most unnatural thing for a human being to do (unless you've seen a live sex show in Amsterdam). We haven't evolved with feathers or bat wings (bingo wings-yes) yet here we are above the clouds heading to a destination hundreds or sometimes thousands of miles away. We are trapped in a giant metal penis with wings thousands of feet in the air with other people we don't know therefore we don't like as is our default setting. We endure other people's farts because we can't open a window, revolting food and the world's smallest toilet that when flushed almost sucks out your soul. On budget flights we have so little leg room that cramp sets in before take off and the inevitable arm rest tussle begins and results in arguments. Your only option here is to drink lots of alcohol. My pet hate on flights is when some bell end decides to spontaneously start a round of applause when the plane lands. Why??? It's the pilot's job to land the aeroplane without killing everybody on board. A joiner never gets applauded for putting a shelf up, a care assistant never gets a standing ovation for emptying a catheter bag (although they should) and estate agents...well they're just twats and don't deserve anything but contempt. I'm a fairly frequent flyer and only once have i been on board an air craft when the turbulence was so bad the oxygen masks were deployed. Flying is as safe as houses. Clapping is not necessary. Next time you are on a flight and somebody starts whooping and clapping by all means join in but slow clap. That always kills a mood-especially at a wedding.
My advice is learn to drive or walk. Public transport is unreliable, unsanitary and unbearable.
Taxi drivers are a rare breed aren't they? If i were a taxi driver i'd probably be a border line serial killer because of the amount of times they get asked 'been busy mate?'-at pub/club kicking out time or 'what time do you finish?' at the start of their night shifts. These two questions should fall under the jurisdiction of harassment and mental torture then be followed up with a kick in the shin to the punter. London cabbies are my favourite because they lock you in until you've paid the fare. It's like a hostage situation until you find your purse or wallet. I once got into a London cab aged a mere 21 years old on a very cold and foggy day. I was expecting some kind of Dick Van Dyke-esque cheeky cockney chappie using his best rhyming slang who would perhaps chirp 'ello me darlin, this bird of a feather is bleedin awful. It's got me in a right two and eight. It's like a pea soup out there innit?' Instead what i got was a foul mouthed sweaty bald man who shouted 'oi! treacle! are you getting in or what?' i got in and then he graced me with a phrase i'd not heard before or since 'fuck me! it's as thick as an elephants spunk out there innit!' Charming. I suspect his finishing school was bombed.
Trains are a tedious form of public transport. For long journeys you book your seat only to find some dickhead has sat in your spot. After some deliberation checking not once, not twice but thrice that you have the right seat, right day and right train you approach the fugitive seat wanklette. First off-they are not asleep. They're merely doing a crap impression of a coma victim so feel free to poke them and say 'excuse me, you are sat in my seat'. We then feel compelled to show them our ticket as proof. I find if they refuse to move or are rude in any way retaliate like a crazy person and ask them if 'they want some'. I'm not sure what 'some' is but most people back down at this point. I've never had anybody say 'oh yes please. I'd love some' which is a good job because that's all i've got-bravado and a menacing stare. The toilets on trains are a delightful combo of other people's bowel odours and loo roll so harsh it removes the outer layer of your skin should you be forced to use it. There's always piss on the floor and some pithy quote carved into the back of the door like 'Shazza sucks dog cock' or 'Mark is a bummer'. If your train is on time then you my friend are winning at life. If you end up with a replacement bus service because, as is all too common, your train has been cancelled, then you my friend are a bus wanker.
Aeroplanes (or airplanes if your'e from the U S of A because i know you like to be different) are a curious form of public transport. We get in this big metal thing designed to look like a bird in flight and then it hurtles down a run way at warp speed and takes off. The smell of aviation fuel fills our nostrils and our brains are screaming 'what the fuck are you doing!!!?' and then we are flying. It's the most unnatural thing for a human being to do (unless you've seen a live sex show in Amsterdam). We haven't evolved with feathers or bat wings (bingo wings-yes) yet here we are above the clouds heading to a destination hundreds or sometimes thousands of miles away. We are trapped in a giant metal penis with wings thousands of feet in the air with other people we don't know therefore we don't like as is our default setting. We endure other people's farts because we can't open a window, revolting food and the world's smallest toilet that when flushed almost sucks out your soul. On budget flights we have so little leg room that cramp sets in before take off and the inevitable arm rest tussle begins and results in arguments. Your only option here is to drink lots of alcohol. My pet hate on flights is when some bell end decides to spontaneously start a round of applause when the plane lands. Why??? It's the pilot's job to land the aeroplane without killing everybody on board. A joiner never gets applauded for putting a shelf up, a care assistant never gets a standing ovation for emptying a catheter bag (although they should) and estate agents...well they're just twats and don't deserve anything but contempt. I'm a fairly frequent flyer and only once have i been on board an air craft when the turbulence was so bad the oxygen masks were deployed. Flying is as safe as houses. Clapping is not necessary. Next time you are on a flight and somebody starts whooping and clapping by all means join in but slow clap. That always kills a mood-especially at a wedding.
My advice is learn to drive or walk. Public transport is unreliable, unsanitary and unbearable.
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