Sunday, 12 January 2020
The observationist: New Year
The observationist: New Year: New year. New beginnings and all that bollocks. Why is it that every year from January the first people decide to be a less wanky version of...
New Year
New year. New beginnings and all that bollocks. Why is it that every year from January the first people decide to be a less wanky version of themselves? Why then? Why not the rest of the year? On average new years resolutions last a mere 4 weeks. Dry January? Fuck that! If you drink alcohol January is the one month of the year when you need a glass of your preferred tipple. January closely follows December meaning lack of money, Christmas burnout and a massive increase in divorce applications. Pass me a glass of wine. Some new years resolutions are manageable such as eat less chocolate, don't spend money on random shit and don't drink prosecco every night. Manageable because your'e sick of the sight of chocolate, your'e not buying presents for bell ends you don't really like (secret santa take note) and you've run out of prosecco. Other resolutions such as be more tolerable of your fellow man, stop smoking, exercise 5 times a week and don't eat meat are just pipe dreams for the intolerant, smoking, lazy burger fan.
A resolution to not make a resolution are the best ones. Keep your expectations low and you won't disappoint yourself or your family. It's a bit like entering into a new relationship. You go in all guns blazing thinking 'yeah, this one's gonna work' then something pisses you off and you revert to type. Cake, wine and onanism. Unrealistic resolutions are my favourites such as 'don't sleep around as much' from a woman who has been cocked more times than a fairground air rifle (thankyou Nick Johnson for that little gem), 'go to the gym' from a man who's only working out involves how many pies he can eat in one day and my all time favourite 'try not to be such a self serving megalomaniacal cock womble' from my ex husband...ok i made the last one up but the unrealistic nature of the sentiment still stands.
I don't make new years resolutions because i haven't kept one yet, however i will be making a concerted effort to lose a bit of weight and start running again-knees willing. I used to go for a run every other day with my running partner-my dog. I like to run distance. Once you get into it you can just keep going. Have the right tunes on and your'e away. Around 3 years ago i ran 16 and a half mile for fun with my dog. I got to mile 13 and had to stop at a traffic roundabout to let the flow of traffic go by. I threw up and my dog promptly ate it. Classy. The motorists slowly negotiating around the roundabout were clearly horrified. At the 13 mile point i didn't give a shit. I was half dead anyway and could taste blood. They should have let me cross. Goodbye dignity.
It's hard after christmas and new year to get back into a daily routine especially when we seem to have put on 8 stone in two weeks. The shops don't help by selling off christmas chocolates, party food and putting on amazing wine offers. Resistance is futile. I need to be able to get back into my bike leathers ready for the start of the racing season but they seem to have shrunk. Even my feet look fat!
The start of the new year always seems to bring pilot tv shows which 90% of the time are a crock of shit. I've lost hours, nay days, of my life investing in watching something that on reflection should never have been made. You can never get that time back.
Before i started writing this blog on new year i asked friends and family for their resolutions to which i had a wide and varied response.
Less procrastinating (or will he?)
Acquire more chickens.
Stop picking at toenails with my wife's eyebrow tweezers.
Cut out sugar (from a diabetic)
Be more zen.
Stop buying crap off ebay.
Grow a beard.
Work harder at school and stop dicking about (from my youngest daughter #soproud)
To do less drinking-not no drinking and not even a small amount of drinking, but less drinking-which is still a lot.
And my personal favourite....
STOP WANKING SO MUCH AT WORK.
Who the hell has the time or inclination to wank at work, or more to the point stop wanking AS MUCH at work? He's a wrong 'un.
On that bombshell dear readers, i'll leave you with this-be kinder, laugh more, help others when you can and live your best life. Also stop wanking at work.
A resolution to not make a resolution are the best ones. Keep your expectations low and you won't disappoint yourself or your family. It's a bit like entering into a new relationship. You go in all guns blazing thinking 'yeah, this one's gonna work' then something pisses you off and you revert to type. Cake, wine and onanism. Unrealistic resolutions are my favourites such as 'don't sleep around as much' from a woman who has been cocked more times than a fairground air rifle (thankyou Nick Johnson for that little gem), 'go to the gym' from a man who's only working out involves how many pies he can eat in one day and my all time favourite 'try not to be such a self serving megalomaniacal cock womble' from my ex husband...ok i made the last one up but the unrealistic nature of the sentiment still stands.
I don't make new years resolutions because i haven't kept one yet, however i will be making a concerted effort to lose a bit of weight and start running again-knees willing. I used to go for a run every other day with my running partner-my dog. I like to run distance. Once you get into it you can just keep going. Have the right tunes on and your'e away. Around 3 years ago i ran 16 and a half mile for fun with my dog. I got to mile 13 and had to stop at a traffic roundabout to let the flow of traffic go by. I threw up and my dog promptly ate it. Classy. The motorists slowly negotiating around the roundabout were clearly horrified. At the 13 mile point i didn't give a shit. I was half dead anyway and could taste blood. They should have let me cross. Goodbye dignity.
It's hard after christmas and new year to get back into a daily routine especially when we seem to have put on 8 stone in two weeks. The shops don't help by selling off christmas chocolates, party food and putting on amazing wine offers. Resistance is futile. I need to be able to get back into my bike leathers ready for the start of the racing season but they seem to have shrunk. Even my feet look fat!
The start of the new year always seems to bring pilot tv shows which 90% of the time are a crock of shit. I've lost hours, nay days, of my life investing in watching something that on reflection should never have been made. You can never get that time back.
Before i started writing this blog on new year i asked friends and family for their resolutions to which i had a wide and varied response.
Less procrastinating (or will he?)
Acquire more chickens.
Stop picking at toenails with my wife's eyebrow tweezers.
Cut out sugar (from a diabetic)
Be more zen.
Stop buying crap off ebay.
Grow a beard.
Work harder at school and stop dicking about (from my youngest daughter #soproud)
To do less drinking-not no drinking and not even a small amount of drinking, but less drinking-which is still a lot.
And my personal favourite....
STOP WANKING SO MUCH AT WORK.
Who the hell has the time or inclination to wank at work, or more to the point stop wanking AS MUCH at work? He's a wrong 'un.
On that bombshell dear readers, i'll leave you with this-be kinder, laugh more, help others when you can and live your best life. Also stop wanking at work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)