Pregnancy and Babies

From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 250 million to one chance and then there you are-up the duff, preggers, with child, in the pudding club, a bumpy jumper. Whatever you want to call it your life is about to change forever. If it's your first then Godspeed my friend. If it's your fourth or fifth-what the hell were you thinking? 

I have two kids because my first was an absolute dream. A common error with new parents. Now they are both teenagers i am the artist formally known as Nikky. A shadow of my former self. I have that haunted look about me. The look of 'i used to be somebody' or 'when will they leave home?' One day i'll be able to eat an ice cream to myself without having to hide in the shed and i'll know where my hair straighteners are at all times.

Pregnancy affects people in different ways. Some women suffer (and i mean SUFFER) with sickness. I had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout both of my pregnancies. I tried every remedy possible but nothing worked. The best bit was once i reached the 7 month stage my bladder gave up on me too. The joy of standing in a supermarket throwing up AND weeing yourself simultaneously is a real spectacle. At that point i didn't care. I'd just waddle back to my car and eat two full family sized bags of wine gums. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant as an army driver so getting in and out of trucks was an experience. I had to take a little step ladder with me. Also in true squaddie fashion every time i said i felt sick the lads used to put bets on for not only if i would  wee myself too but that said wee would be a 'double legger'. Sadly it often was. 

Some women do pregnancy really well and look amazing. Not me. I looked like an over inflated sex doll. My boobs looked like two woks in a hammock and my arse could be seen from space. Even my feet got fat. None of my shoes fit so the only things i could wear were a pair of mismatched flip flops. Mismatched because a) i couldn't see my feet and b) not one fuck was given. Pregnancy does not suit me.   

After incubating a little person for around 9 months a baby is born. Labour varies for everyone and any mid wife will tell you that no two births are the same. My first took 13 hours and my second just forty minutes. She was almost called M5 as i was travelling to Newport a the time. Her head was out by the time i got to the hospital and she'd wrecked the interior of my Ford Laguna. My midwife was a bloke called  Kevin who had the strongest Welsh accent i'd ever heard. He was from Swansea. He was absolutely fantastic and a lovely guy. I didn't poo myself (blessed) and i only swore around 11 times and Kevin was there for me every step of the way. However when Kevin told me there was no time for pain relief i grabbed him by his shirt lapelles pulled him to my face and growled 'there's always fucking time for pain relief Kevin!'. He was right, obviously. A friend of mine who went into labour a few weeks early couldn't get hold of her husband to take her to the hospital so we jumped in my car and i went in with her. I promised i'd stay with her until hubby got there. By the time he got there we were both off our heads on gas and air. He burst into the labour room and my drugged up mate shouted 'fwoooor! you look well fit in that shirt you sexy bastard!'. We asked him later on after the baby had been born (a little girl incase you were wondering) if he saw her coming out down 'the business end'. He said he had but it was like watching his favourite pub burn down. 

Once the trauma of birth is over with we bring home our bundles of joy. This helpless little person who can't look after themselves properly and who's only interested in the boobs...but enough about the dad...For the first time you are no longer the most important person in your life. This little dude needs you to nurture, protect and love him or her. If it's your first baby you go to town on buying all manner of baby stuff, 99% of which you will never use. You have everything from breast pumps to changing stations, nappy bins, activity mats, teddys, papooses and baby monitors. If it's your second or third they get the hand me downs from baby no.1. If it's your fourth or fifth or so on they're lucky if they get a changing mat and a pushchair because you've had to sell everything on ebay or mumsnet so you can afford to eat. Also your'e not as 'precious' with baby number three onwards. Your'e a seasoned parent now. An old sweat. A baby veteran. You should get a mention in dispatches at the very least. You could probably look after this one with your eyes shut which is just as well because you will be suffering with sleep deprivation and hallucinations the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock. You walk around in a dream like state not really knowing if you are alive or dead. Family and friends come round to see the new edition and pretend not to notice that your once tidy home looks like an IED has gone off in a talc and nappy factory.

Both of my girls were booby babies but breast feeding isn't for everyone-especially the dads.Ha! The first few weeks are incredibly painful and the nipple starts to resemble a battle ship rivet. If you can get through that first four weeks you've cracked it. Breast feeders occasionally have to express milk into a bottle so someone else can have a go feeding the baby and mum have a few hours off to cover her nipples in sudocrem and drink gin. Expressing is done, for the uninitiated, via a contraption called a breast pump. They can be hand or battery operated and come in all shapes and sizes. A suction cup is placed over the nipple and milk is extracted into a bottle. Obviously depending on how mjuch milk you produce depends on how much is 'harvested'. With my second daughter i made so much milk i used to donate the excess to the premature baby ward. For anyone who has witnessed the horror of either theirs or their partners nipple being vacuum stretched to around four inches you have my sympathies. It's possibly the weirdest thing i have ever seen and i have seen some weird shit. One of my babies was constantly on the boob until she was nearly 18 months old. I just couldn't get her off it. She was walking, had teeth and was using whole sentences by the time i weaned her off it. At one point i thought i'd have to go to her school at lunch time and poke my boob through the school fence! Still, i'm a firm believer in breast is best. My girls rarely get ill and have the most amazing teeth. I hope that one day when they have kids they'll follow suit. I also hope that their babies leave their boobs looking like an empty pyjama case too.

Nappy changing is always an issue with babies because they seem to poo stuff out that looks like radioactive algae and smells of evil. When you see a parent pick up a baby and sniff the back end make sure you stand well back and down wind preferably. This baby is about to go off! Run for the hills if that baby has been laying on their back and kicking their chubby little legs prior to a nappy change because you can guarantee it will be, what is technically known as, an 'up the back jobby'. One of mine and several of my friend's babies used to regularly do an 'up the back jobby' but not content with that they'd also get it up as far as their shoulder blades and in their hair too. In this instance the only measure available is to pick them up with a pair of industrial tongs and elbow length rubber gloves and put them in the bath. Wet wipes will not suffice.

Babies are brilliant whether their yours or someone else's.  Someone else's are slightly better because you can give them back when they cry or smell funny. Your baby is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid eyes on and is your absolute world forever. Once they start walking they have reached toddlerhood and that is a whole new level of fresh hell. Good luck to toddler wranglers everywhere. your'e going to need it.

Daddy's little angel by Jason A. Hodges

When you were born, you filled my heart with pride

And i was overcome by the joy i felt inside.

As i held you in my arms that very first day,

I knew i would never let any harm come your way.   

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies: From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 25...

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge:  People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call...

Covid Part 5-The revenge

NOTHING VAST ENTERS THE LIFE OF MORTALS WITHOUT A CURSE-SOPHACLES

 People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call it is still among us and some people still don't get it. I was out with my youngest daughter a few days ago and we both noted how many people were wearing masks either under their noses or not wearing them at all. The amount of folk wearing them under their noses was ridiculously high and people not wearing them at all was pleasingly low. We saw one old guy in front of us in the queue for the opticians at a well known supermarket, naming no names...ASDA chatting away to a member of staff. Nothing to see here you say-WRONG. He was wearing one of those blue and white paper ones which not only was the wrong way round (white side facing outwards) but was also under his nose and filthy dirty. I suspect he hadn't changed it for months. It's not like a pair of dirty underpants that you can turn inside out ffs! For those that don't wear a mask at all i understand that some folk have a genuine reason not to. Either they are under the age of 11 or have a hidden disability. My eldest daughter, aged 16, has a genuine hidden disability. She is profoundly deaf and she mainly relies on lip reading other people. This is impossible when wearing a mask. I was in another well known supermarket ( i have no loyalty when it comes to getting a good deal) who shall remain MORRISONS when i was trying to converse with her. I had my mask on and she couldn't lip read. I briefly pulled my mask down so she could see what i was saying and some old bag glared at me, tutted and told me to get my mask on. I did not approach said arsehole with a classy come back such as 'nob off you ignorant cock womble' because if i had my daughter would have asked what she had said and she would have been embarrassed.She is a self conscious teenager and does not want to draw attention to herself because of her disability. She doesn't have a clue what other mask wearers are saying but she struggles on using body language. She does not class herself as disabled and certainly won't let a pandemic out her. It seems to me that somebody who declares they have have a 'hidden disability' because their dog is gay or their nan is a vegan are just to get out of wearing a mask. The only hidden disability they have-which can't always be spotted by others-is that they are a cunt.My daughter copes so why can't they?

The mask is becoming something of a fashion statement at the moment with people making bespoke ones and selling them which is great because i love an entrepreneur. The one 'fashion statement' that really grips my shit is the hanging off one ear look. Why? Either take it off or put it on properly for fucks sake! You don't see dogs cutting about wearing masks. They sniff each others arseholes and piss on lamp posts then lick their owners faces. They just don't give a fuck! Dirty bastards. Man's best friend my arse. Maybe dogs realised a long time ago that wearing a mask after a pandemic has taken hold is about as effective as taking condoms to a baby shower. In the UK compulsory face coverings in any shop was only brought into effect 5 months after lockdown and a state of national emergency was declared. Since then the rate of infection has gone up. My theory here is that people have a false sense of security with their masks or face coverings and think it's now ok and safe to get closer to other people. The one and a half meter rule is still in effect because around 90% of masks/face coverings worn by people have zero effect on stopping a virus entering your body.The paper masks are the worst and if you take the time to read the packaging it actually tells you 'NOT FOR MEDICAL USE'. The material ones are even less effective. They just make people feel better. It;s the placebo effect.

When lockdown was eased in the UK 2 months ago and pubs re-opened some people went crazy. Rushing to book over seas holidays or staycations because 'they'd earnt it'. How exactly? By being furloughed and told to stay at home for 4 months? How is that earning a holiday? A holiday from what was basically a holiday. We had people getting on aeroplanes full of recycled air and other people's farts then whinging like someone who came last in a whinging competition because they were told to quarantine for 14 days on their return to blighty. People were crowding onto beaches in the UK in their thousands. It was dire. One idiot while being interviewed by a news reporter on one of the packed beaches actually told the interviewer that she thought it was disgusting so many people were crowding onto the beaches. The reporter pointed out that actually she was on the beach adding to the problem to which she replied 'well i've earnt a day at the beach. I've had to stay at home for 4 months' Dick. Don't get me wrong i love a holiday abroad as much as the next man and usually we go a few times a year but at no point did i think you know what, fuck it. Not only will i put myself and my kids at risk but also an entire nation just so i can have a holiday and lay on a sunlounger drinking sangria flashing my gusset at anyone who gets too close and showing my kids up on the karaoke. I'd love to go on holiday but mine and my families health will always come first. Selfish pricks.  

The government in it's infinite wisdom decided to open pubs and restaurants at the start of July. Their thinking behind this came from a good place.It was to help out the economic downturn in the hospitality industry. They even started a government funded 'eat out to help ot' scheme offering diners money off meals. The issue with this was the serious lack of common sense in the general population. People still got pissed and social distancing went out of the window. The track and trace system was and is a shambles as not all places are doing it despite it being the law. People are giving false names like Ivor Biggun or Andy Asswallet or one of my favourites spotted on a track and trace register at my local Mya Jigglyboobs. I reckon this is to stop spouses finding out where their partners actually are when they said they were going out for a loaf of bread. They'd rather keep their anonymity and possibly contract covid than admit they were down the Dog and Duck having 8 pints then fingering Karen behind the bins.

This eat out to help out scheme has become a victim of it's own success. Yes money was put back into the economy and hospitality staff kept their jobs but being offered cheap meals after 5 months at home  eating pasta and loo roll with home measures for breakfast lunch and tea has had an adverse effect. We are now a nation of fat alcoholics and the government is now telling us to lose weight or die from covid. Maybe it was all part of their master plan to weed out the chaf from the wheat. Mmmmm...wheat. When pubs first re-opened we were told that only 2 households at a time could sit together but that didn't work either. For example you go into a pub/bar to meet your besties whom you hadn't seen for 4 months. While you are waiting for their imminent arrival someone else you know comes in and starts chatting with you. This is all well and good until your besties turn up. Do you then say to the pretender to the throne 'right you fuck off because my mates are here'. It's a bit like speed friending. Unless the pub/bar staff know you personally how do they know who is from which household? Once again the government relied on people to do the right thing and follow the guidelines. No music was allowed in venues incase people had to shout over the noise or god forbid they burst into song. This would of course cause the possibility of spittal which carries the virus. Do me a favour! I'm still seeing footballers gob on the pitch so why is it such a big deal if Brian wants to sing along to eye of the tiger. He's not going to spit in anyone's face while singing. He's had a few pints and he's a happy sausage. Boris Johnson loves a slogan so why not try this one 'SAY IT DONT SPRAY IT'. Opening pubs and restaurants has been a double edged sword. Economy boosted-check, public happy (mostly)-check, rise in covid rate-check. what was the actual cost?

My kids (the little super spreaders) went back to school and college recently and we, as parents, were assured that it was safe-ish. Our little angels would be kept in their own little bubbles similar to our already established social bubbles. Cue a second wave as there are now more bubbles than a bottle of ALDI prosecco.

More people are asking for covid tests than ever before because of the onslaught of new cases. Some people will and are taking the piss. If you fancy two weeks off work (usually paid) then tell your boss you have a sore throat and are feeling a bit peaky. Most people who require tests are genuinely showing symptoms of covid but there are not enough to go round. The people that are really taking the piss are the ones who seem to think that their life is more important than anyone elses. I'm talking about so called 'key workers'. I do not mean farmers, NHS staff, care workers, any of the armed forces, lorry and delivery drivers or the emergency services here. I mean fat Brenda who works on the checkout 2 hours a week at some crappy supermarket. Fuck off Brenda. There are babies who need a test and the elderly  and the rest of the poor bastards who are genuinely ill. The world will not end if you can't serve the community for two hours a week. This particular demographic have delusions of grandeur and are showing no symptoms at all. They just think it's their god given right to make demands on an already over stretched NHS. They use their position to their own advantage. It's all about self preservation not about being unable to work. This group (who are a minority thank fuck) are more commonly known as t.w.a.t.s. abbv: Twats Without A Transferrable Skill. 

Covid 19 is similar to the postcode lottery. It's coming to a street near you!

Wash your hands, use the two metre rule, use common sense and stop being dicks.

SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT!!!!