Covid Wedding

 I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by not being able to have a lavish do but it is a big plus. We can only invite 13 people under current government guidelines and it's been like Sophie's choice. The positives far outweigh the negatives. We have extra money to spend on prosecco and we don't have to invite uncle nob head. Obviously there are people we would like at the church and to share our day but to get around this we have set up zoom. I'm not having any bridesmaids but my dad is giving me away so he's double hatting as father of the bride and bridesmaid. I have asked him to wear a Laura Ashley number but he declined the dress. However he will still fight for the bouquet after and my money is on him. He's got hands like shovels.

The one negative that is perplexing me is  me-the bride-having to organise the very small reception by providing hand sanitizer, anti-bacterial wipes, disposable cutlery, plates ,cups and to make sure our guests are safe and feel safe. What i should be doing is making sure the bridesmaids aren't getting finger blasted by the best man or uncle nob head isn't flashing the in-laws. I should be planning my first dance music and looking forward to my honeymoon but instead i'm considering installing a sheep dip to dunk my guests just incase one of those smug as fuck asymptomatic dickheads turns up. 

We're not having a sit down meal after the main event. Instead we're ordering takeaway and we'll be having a few plastic cups of fizz. I haven't turned into a bridezilla and i'm trying to stay chilled out and take the restrictions in my stride because our wedding day is just that-OUR wedding day. We are getting married despite the pandemic and that is what's important in the grand scheme of things. I know a lot of couples have postponed their weddings until they can have a big fat gypsy affair but small is beautiful. It's actually costing couples more because bridesmaids and pageboys outgrow their already bought outfits, deposits are lost and when the day comes where big weddings are back on venues and planners will make a killing because of supply and demand. I understand some couples struggle to have a small do because of guest limitations or family politics or whatever but i'm from a huge family. We're both of Irish descent and largely catholic so i've got around 952 first cousins, 48 grandparents, 96 aunts and uncles, 3 mams and 1 dad. It is possible. Think of the money saved and it actually makes the family politics easier. You just say sorry you can't come...covid. I mean everyone else seems to use covid as an excuse to do fuck all and you'll never get that opportunity again. I don't want to put wedding planners out of a job but if you feel like you need one and you can't organise your own wedding without overpaid external help (remember planners do it for the money-not because they like you) then you've probably got too much money and i have no sympathy for you. Donate your planner money to Dogs trust or cancer research or the Royal British Legion. Use it for good instead of being so solipsistic and egomaniacal. If you think the venue and the koudos it brings defines your wedding then you need to think about why you are getting married and have a long hard look at your dark aura. Marriage is the joining together of two people not just to show off to your guests that your'e getting hitched on a far flung beach or in a castle with otters nipple vol au vents and a gin ice fountain carved to look like the Taj Mahal with a tiny train driving through the centre driven by a bush baby dressed like Elton John. I hope the Kardashians aren't reading this and get any ideas. Bush babies do not like dressing as rock icons.

A covid wedding is just as good, if not better, than a regular wedding. It's smaller and more intimate. Your guests are the people you love most in the world and they get to share this moment in history with you. In years to come me and my future husband will get to tell our grandkids of our big little day. We got married during the great covid pandemic because we wanted to. The only big deal that day was us becoming husband and wife. Small is beautiful.    

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness:  So heer we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protest...

Covid 19-the madness

 So here we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protests of the great unwashed and ill educated in major cities across the UK and the rest of the world there appears to be a spike in cases. Whoda thunk it? Those bell ends will no doubt be the first to whinge they're now having restrictions placed on their lives when they've absolutely no right to.The latest statistics show that there are more people in hospital with covid 19 now than there were at the start of the pandemic back in March. The rest of civilized society managed to socially distance, wear masks, sanitize their hands and not break into Primark to steal 900 pairs of black leggings and a boob tube. The rest of us, the majority, are now having to sow what those twats reaped.

Pubs are closing again but i personally haven't missed them. I got used to supermarket prices and home measures. The first time i went to a pub after the first lockdown and asked for a small white wine i almost burst out laughing when it was given to me. Not because of the pathetic size of it but because it cost almost the same as a full bottle from Aldi. I've decided to counteract this and make my own pub in the garage. My other half thinks i'm crazy because he doesn't possess the gift of 'vision'. He's not blind he's just no George Clark. He went along with my idea anyway and that's why i love him. You know your'e with the right person when they come along for a ride on the crazy train and let you be mental central ticket for two.. We now have our own pub complete with bar, stools, table, inflatable sofa, cheap booze and no closing time at 10pm. I've also turned our garden shed into my little escape zone. I have comfy chairs, a rug, books, cd player, prosecco, twinkly lights and a rage pillow. I have christened my girl cave 'The lady garden-shed'. Anyone can come and have a look at my lady garden. I can highly recommend. My trip advisor status would read 'very tidy lady garden, small tight area with a welcoming front hatch'. Five stars.

I think one of  the worst things about the whole lockdown process and limitations on our lives is the sheer boredom. My OCD has meant that i have been getting on my own nerves since March. I suppose i'm lucky that i have my daughters, my husband and my dogs that all think they live in an all inclusive resort. When clap for carers starts again they'd better all be outside clapping for me. Hence the rage pillow.

Boris's latest is placing England on a tier system. Low, medium, high and very high. I'm in a medium area but my parents are in a high zone so the only way i can see them in person is in an open outside space. My mum and dad are almost 70 years old so the last thing i want to do is meet them outside in the freezing cold winter where they could catch flu. Soon there'll be more tiers than a Kardashian wedding cake. Why doesn't the government just paint a big red cross on everyone's front door who tests positive and be done with it. Old skool plague outing rather than pissing about with different tiers and zones.

Pubs are closing again but gyms are staying open. WTAF? I have never been to a pub and been on the receiving end of a strangers' sweat in my eyes, nor have i ever stood at a bar and witnessed some blokes cum face while i've sipped on my pimms. If i wanted to see that kind of thing i'd become an MP. Hospitality has taken a real hammering these past few months and i doubt it will get back on track within the next 5 years or so. People are losing their jobs, their livelihoods, their homes and their minds. Just behave yourselves people. If your'e told to adhere to lockdown rules do it. Most recently Liverpool has been put in lockdown and in the very high category. Like good citizens there's been barely a grumble. Sure, it's shit but they get it. The scousers have got it right. Manchester, however is behaving like a collective Gallagher brother and strutting around demanding money with menaces from the government. Not all of them, granted, but the ones with voices who don't represent everyone. Everybody is in the same boat financially and mentally. That boat is not an all expenses paid cruise liner. It's a dodgy second hand canoe at best that looks set to capsize. Sir Keir Starmer who represents the working mans' party is treating the pandemic like a political point scoring exercise. It's easy to sit in your ivory tower and finger point when you've got a knighthood, money and a massive house. Sir Keir Starmer KCB QC MP describes himself as a socialist so he'd be alright for a sub. I wonder how he'd react if Dave from Barnsley who has lost his job and his house turned up at his palatial home and claimed collective or common ownership. The only letters Dave has after his name are CCJ.

It's simple people of the United Kingdom, do as your'e told or this pandemic will end in tiers.         

Pregnancy and Babies

From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 250 million to one chance and then there you are-up the duff, preggers, with child, in the pudding club, a bumpy jumper. Whatever you want to call it your life is about to change forever. If it's your first then Godspeed my friend. If it's your fourth or fifth-what the hell were you thinking? 

I have two kids because my first was an absolute dream. A common error with new parents. Now they are both teenagers i am the artist formally known as Nikky. A shadow of my former self. I have that haunted look about me. The look of 'i used to be somebody' or 'when will they leave home?' One day i'll be able to eat an ice cream to myself without having to hide in the shed and i'll know where my hair straighteners are at all times.

Pregnancy affects people in different ways. Some women suffer (and i mean SUFFER) with sickness. I had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout both of my pregnancies. I tried every remedy possible but nothing worked. The best bit was once i reached the 7 month stage my bladder gave up on me too. The joy of standing in a supermarket throwing up AND weeing yourself simultaneously is a real spectacle. At that point i didn't care. I'd just waddle back to my car and eat two full family sized bags of wine gums. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant as an army driver so getting in and out of trucks was an experience. I had to take a little step ladder with me. Also in true squaddie fashion every time i said i felt sick the lads used to put bets on for not only if i would  wee myself too but that said wee would be a 'double legger'. Sadly it often was. 

Some women do pregnancy really well and look amazing. Not me. I looked like an over inflated sex doll. My boobs looked like two woks in a hammock and my arse could be seen from space. Even my feet got fat. None of my shoes fit so the only things i could wear were a pair of mismatched flip flops. Mismatched because a) i couldn't see my feet and b) not one fuck was given. Pregnancy does not suit me.   

After incubating a little person for around 9 months a baby is born. Labour varies for everyone and any mid wife will tell you that no two births are the same. My first took 13 hours and my second just forty minutes. She was almost called M5 as i was travelling to Newport a the time. Her head was out by the time i got to the hospital and she'd wrecked the interior of my Ford Laguna. My midwife was a bloke called  Kevin who had the strongest Welsh accent i'd ever heard. He was from Swansea. He was absolutely fantastic and a lovely guy. I didn't poo myself (blessed) and i only swore around 11 times and Kevin was there for me every step of the way. However when Kevin told me there was no time for pain relief i grabbed him by his shirt lapelles pulled him to my face and growled 'there's always fucking time for pain relief Kevin!'. He was right, obviously. A friend of mine who went into labour a few weeks early couldn't get hold of her husband to take her to the hospital so we jumped in my car and i went in with her. I promised i'd stay with her until hubby got there. By the time he got there we were both off our heads on gas and air. He burst into the labour room and my drugged up mate shouted 'fwoooor! you look well fit in that shirt you sexy bastard!'. We asked him later on after the baby had been born (a little girl incase you were wondering) if he saw her coming out down 'the business end'. He said he had but it was like watching his favourite pub burn down. 

Once the trauma of birth is over with we bring home our bundles of joy. This helpless little person who can't look after themselves properly and who's only interested in the boobs...but enough about the dad...For the first time you are no longer the most important person in your life. This little dude needs you to nurture, protect and love him or her. If it's your first baby you go to town on buying all manner of baby stuff, 99% of which you will never use. You have everything from breast pumps to changing stations, nappy bins, activity mats, teddys, papooses and baby monitors. If it's your second or third they get the hand me downs from baby no.1. If it's your fourth or fifth or so on they're lucky if they get a changing mat and a pushchair because you've had to sell everything on ebay or mumsnet so you can afford to eat. Also your'e not as 'precious' with baby number three onwards. Your'e a seasoned parent now. An old sweat. A baby veteran. You should get a mention in dispatches at the very least. You could probably look after this one with your eyes shut which is just as well because you will be suffering with sleep deprivation and hallucinations the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock. You walk around in a dream like state not really knowing if you are alive or dead. Family and friends come round to see the new edition and pretend not to notice that your once tidy home looks like an IED has gone off in a talc and nappy factory.

Both of my girls were booby babies but breast feeding isn't for everyone-especially the dads.Ha! The first few weeks are incredibly painful and the nipple starts to resemble a battle ship rivet. If you can get through that first four weeks you've cracked it. Breast feeders occasionally have to express milk into a bottle so someone else can have a go feeding the baby and mum have a few hours off to cover her nipples in sudocrem and drink gin. Expressing is done, for the uninitiated, via a contraption called a breast pump. They can be hand or battery operated and come in all shapes and sizes. A suction cup is placed over the nipple and milk is extracted into a bottle. Obviously depending on how mjuch milk you produce depends on how much is 'harvested'. With my second daughter i made so much milk i used to donate the excess to the premature baby ward. For anyone who has witnessed the horror of either theirs or their partners nipple being vacuum stretched to around four inches you have my sympathies. It's possibly the weirdest thing i have ever seen and i have seen some weird shit. One of my babies was constantly on the boob until she was nearly 18 months old. I just couldn't get her off it. She was walking, had teeth and was using whole sentences by the time i weaned her off it. At one point i thought i'd have to go to her school at lunch time and poke my boob through the school fence! Still, i'm a firm believer in breast is best. My girls rarely get ill and have the most amazing teeth. I hope that one day when they have kids they'll follow suit. I also hope that their babies leave their boobs looking like an empty pyjama case too.

Nappy changing is always an issue with babies because they seem to poo stuff out that looks like radioactive algae and smells of evil. When you see a parent pick up a baby and sniff the back end make sure you stand well back and down wind preferably. This baby is about to go off! Run for the hills if that baby has been laying on their back and kicking their chubby little legs prior to a nappy change because you can guarantee it will be, what is technically known as, an 'up the back jobby'. One of mine and several of my friend's babies used to regularly do an 'up the back jobby' but not content with that they'd also get it up as far as their shoulder blades and in their hair too. In this instance the only measure available is to pick them up with a pair of industrial tongs and elbow length rubber gloves and put them in the bath. Wet wipes will not suffice.

Babies are brilliant whether their yours or someone else's.  Someone else's are slightly better because you can give them back when they cry or smell funny. Your baby is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid eyes on and is your absolute world forever. Once they start walking they have reached toddlerhood and that is a whole new level of fresh hell. Good luck to toddler wranglers everywhere. your'e going to need it.

Daddy's little angel by Jason A. Hodges

When you were born, you filled my heart with pride

And i was overcome by the joy i felt inside.

As i held you in my arms that very first day,

I knew i would never let any harm come your way.   

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies: From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 25...

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge:  People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call...

Covid Part 5-The revenge

NOTHING VAST ENTERS THE LIFE OF MORTALS WITHOUT A CURSE-SOPHACLES

 People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call it is still among us and some people still don't get it. I was out with my youngest daughter a few days ago and we both noted how many people were wearing masks either under their noses or not wearing them at all. The amount of folk wearing them under their noses was ridiculously high and people not wearing them at all was pleasingly low. We saw one old guy in front of us in the queue for the opticians at a well known supermarket, naming no names...ASDA chatting away to a member of staff. Nothing to see here you say-WRONG. He was wearing one of those blue and white paper ones which not only was the wrong way round (white side facing outwards) but was also under his nose and filthy dirty. I suspect he hadn't changed it for months. It's not like a pair of dirty underpants that you can turn inside out ffs! For those that don't wear a mask at all i understand that some folk have a genuine reason not to. Either they are under the age of 11 or have a hidden disability. My eldest daughter, aged 16, has a genuine hidden disability. She is profoundly deaf and she mainly relies on lip reading other people. This is impossible when wearing a mask. I was in another well known supermarket ( i have no loyalty when it comes to getting a good deal) who shall remain MORRISONS when i was trying to converse with her. I had my mask on and she couldn't lip read. I briefly pulled my mask down so she could see what i was saying and some old bag glared at me, tutted and told me to get my mask on. I did not approach said arsehole with a classy come back such as 'nob off you ignorant cock womble' because if i had my daughter would have asked what she had said and she would have been embarrassed.She is a self conscious teenager and does not want to draw attention to herself because of her disability. She doesn't have a clue what other mask wearers are saying but she struggles on using body language. She does not class herself as disabled and certainly won't let a pandemic out her. It seems to me that somebody who declares they have have a 'hidden disability' because their dog is gay or their nan is a vegan are just to get out of wearing a mask. The only hidden disability they have-which can't always be spotted by others-is that they are a cunt.My daughter copes so why can't they?

The mask is becoming something of a fashion statement at the moment with people making bespoke ones and selling them which is great because i love an entrepreneur. The one 'fashion statement' that really grips my shit is the hanging off one ear look. Why? Either take it off or put it on properly for fucks sake! You don't see dogs cutting about wearing masks. They sniff each others arseholes and piss on lamp posts then lick their owners faces. They just don't give a fuck! Dirty bastards. Man's best friend my arse. Maybe dogs realised a long time ago that wearing a mask after a pandemic has taken hold is about as effective as taking condoms to a baby shower. In the UK compulsory face coverings in any shop was only brought into effect 5 months after lockdown and a state of national emergency was declared. Since then the rate of infection has gone up. My theory here is that people have a false sense of security with their masks or face coverings and think it's now ok and safe to get closer to other people. The one and a half meter rule is still in effect because around 90% of masks/face coverings worn by people have zero effect on stopping a virus entering your body.The paper masks are the worst and if you take the time to read the packaging it actually tells you 'NOT FOR MEDICAL USE'. The material ones are even less effective. They just make people feel better. It;s the placebo effect.

When lockdown was eased in the UK 2 months ago and pubs re-opened some people went crazy. Rushing to book over seas holidays or staycations because 'they'd earnt it'. How exactly? By being furloughed and told to stay at home for 4 months? How is that earning a holiday? A holiday from what was basically a holiday. We had people getting on aeroplanes full of recycled air and other people's farts then whinging like someone who came last in a whinging competition because they were told to quarantine for 14 days on their return to blighty. People were crowding onto beaches in the UK in their thousands. It was dire. One idiot while being interviewed by a news reporter on one of the packed beaches actually told the interviewer that she thought it was disgusting so many people were crowding onto the beaches. The reporter pointed out that actually she was on the beach adding to the problem to which she replied 'well i've earnt a day at the beach. I've had to stay at home for 4 months' Dick. Don't get me wrong i love a holiday abroad as much as the next man and usually we go a few times a year but at no point did i think you know what, fuck it. Not only will i put myself and my kids at risk but also an entire nation just so i can have a holiday and lay on a sunlounger drinking sangria flashing my gusset at anyone who gets too close and showing my kids up on the karaoke. I'd love to go on holiday but mine and my families health will always come first. Selfish pricks.  

The government in it's infinite wisdom decided to open pubs and restaurants at the start of July. Their thinking behind this came from a good place.It was to help out the economic downturn in the hospitality industry. They even started a government funded 'eat out to help ot' scheme offering diners money off meals. The issue with this was the serious lack of common sense in the general population. People still got pissed and social distancing went out of the window. The track and trace system was and is a shambles as not all places are doing it despite it being the law. People are giving false names like Ivor Biggun or Andy Asswallet or one of my favourites spotted on a track and trace register at my local Mya Jigglyboobs. I reckon this is to stop spouses finding out where their partners actually are when they said they were going out for a loaf of bread. They'd rather keep their anonymity and possibly contract covid than admit they were down the Dog and Duck having 8 pints then fingering Karen behind the bins.

This eat out to help out scheme has become a victim of it's own success. Yes money was put back into the economy and hospitality staff kept their jobs but being offered cheap meals after 5 months at home  eating pasta and loo roll with home measures for breakfast lunch and tea has had an adverse effect. We are now a nation of fat alcoholics and the government is now telling us to lose weight or die from covid. Maybe it was all part of their master plan to weed out the chaf from the wheat. Mmmmm...wheat. When pubs first re-opened we were told that only 2 households at a time could sit together but that didn't work either. For example you go into a pub/bar to meet your besties whom you hadn't seen for 4 months. While you are waiting for their imminent arrival someone else you know comes in and starts chatting with you. This is all well and good until your besties turn up. Do you then say to the pretender to the throne 'right you fuck off because my mates are here'. It's a bit like speed friending. Unless the pub/bar staff know you personally how do they know who is from which household? Once again the government relied on people to do the right thing and follow the guidelines. No music was allowed in venues incase people had to shout over the noise or god forbid they burst into song. This would of course cause the possibility of spittal which carries the virus. Do me a favour! I'm still seeing footballers gob on the pitch so why is it such a big deal if Brian wants to sing along to eye of the tiger. He's not going to spit in anyone's face while singing. He's had a few pints and he's a happy sausage. Boris Johnson loves a slogan so why not try this one 'SAY IT DONT SPRAY IT'. Opening pubs and restaurants has been a double edged sword. Economy boosted-check, public happy (mostly)-check, rise in covid rate-check. what was the actual cost?

My kids (the little super spreaders) went back to school and college recently and we, as parents, were assured that it was safe-ish. Our little angels would be kept in their own little bubbles similar to our already established social bubbles. Cue a second wave as there are now more bubbles than a bottle of ALDI prosecco.

More people are asking for covid tests than ever before because of the onslaught of new cases. Some people will and are taking the piss. If you fancy two weeks off work (usually paid) then tell your boss you have a sore throat and are feeling a bit peaky. Most people who require tests are genuinely showing symptoms of covid but there are not enough to go round. The people that are really taking the piss are the ones who seem to think that their life is more important than anyone elses. I'm talking about so called 'key workers'. I do not mean farmers, NHS staff, care workers, any of the armed forces, lorry and delivery drivers or the emergency services here. I mean fat Brenda who works on the checkout 2 hours a week at some crappy supermarket. Fuck off Brenda. There are babies who need a test and the elderly  and the rest of the poor bastards who are genuinely ill. The world will not end if you can't serve the community for two hours a week. This particular demographic have delusions of grandeur and are showing no symptoms at all. They just think it's their god given right to make demands on an already over stretched NHS. They use their position to their own advantage. It's all about self preservation not about being unable to work. This group (who are a minority thank fuck) are more commonly known as t.w.a.t.s. abbv: Twats Without A Transferrable Skill. 

Covid 19 is similar to the postcode lottery. It's coming to a street near you!

Wash your hands, use the two metre rule, use common sense and stop being dicks.

SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT!!!!