Sunday, 22 March 2020
The observationist: Covid 19
The observationist: Covid 19: Human nature is a funny old thing isn't it? Humans and dolphins are the only known mammals who mate for fun and not just for the sole pu...
Covid 19
Human nature is a funny old thing isn't it? Humans and dolphins are the only known mammals who mate for fun and not just for the sole purpose of procreation. I don't mean there's a human out there whose only joy in life is dolphin bothering although that might be why Jeff up the road is banned from the sea life centre. On the whole people are good but there are some proper wrong 'uns out there.
The current covid 19 pandemic has brought a tidal wave of wrong 'uns out into the open. People who are good, or perceived to be, have gone corona crazy. The other thing that's reached pandemic proportions, particularly in the UK, is panic buying. It started with people stock piling loo rolls and pasta. Then the tindemic and the great hand sanitiser exodus. Bizarrely our local supermarket ran out of cat biscuits. Not the meat-loads of that-just the biscuits. What the actual fornication? Surely not everybody has a cat? Not only that but why just the biscuits? Probably to lure the dolphins in. Well they do tend to be fish flavoured.
The people who panic shopped were still savvy with their purchases despite apparently being driven to act like contestants in Supermarket Sweep. I did note that while ALL of the tinned food had been bought the Fray Bentos pies and Heinz beans had been left behind like an ugly step child during tinmageddon because they were not on offer. Crazy times people.
My eldest daughter is doing a GCSE in food tech and i couldn't get the ingredients she needed for her spaghetti bolognese because bell ends had bought 3 tonnes of the stuff. I found myself having to get up unbelievably early on my only day off to drive to the supermarket and beat the rush just so my child could do her practical exam. I took my husband for security and i was also packing an air of 'fuck them all' which i find useful in these situations. We arrived at 7.50am, ten minutes before opening time. The car park had around 3 or 4 cars in it and my nieve other half said 'i think you're slightly over reacting love'. Slightly over reacting??? How very dare he!!! I was massively over reacting. However, we got our bags out of the car boot, headed for the door and waited for it to open. Within 5 minutes of us getting there the car park was full and there was a huge queue of people behind us. The doors opened and people piled in like their lives depended on it. It was every man/woman for themselves. The woman who was stood in the queue behind us was the first to pile loo rolls and pasta into her trolley racing around like a fucking rabid crack head. Only 5 minutes prior she'd been happily chatting to an elderly gent about how ridiculous these panic shoppers were and how you would never catch her doing that. She was right about one thing...that you would never catch her. She was off like a robber's dog. I saw a grown man having a toddler tantrum at a cashier for not letting him buy ALL of the dried spaghetti. A grown man people! The world has gone mad. Panic buying in the purest sense of the meaning is going out to buy say bread, cheese and milk. You then panic and come home with a jar of pickled walnuts, an angle grinder and some magic beans.These people are amateurs.
All of the schools in the UK closed indefinitely a few days ago so cue shops running out of wine and gin in around 1 weeks time. Don't get me wrong, i love my kids. The problem is that they hate each other. My options are limited as i work from home so i either pick a favourite and release the other one into the wild, move into the shed or start day time drinking. Wine and spirits aisle here i come.
I realise it's human nature to survive but at what cost? People who are generally pillars of the community are shedding their masks too readily for my liking. The integrity and moral compass in some people is becoming infected quicker than a hooker's fanny.
Our village pub closed it's doors as all pubs and clubs were ordered to by the government in order to protect it's citizens from this virus and reduce cases. Some people were actually complaining and giving the management a hard time. People are dying around the world in their thousands and selfishly the only concern these folk had was that they can't go to the pub for a pint. The staff at the pub, many of whom are on a zero hours contract (including myself in a part time capacity) either will not get paid or have been laid off until further notice. How do the punters think these people are feeling? I suspect, after what i have witnessed in the supermarkets, not one fuck is given.
Some good folk are offering help to those who need it such as shopping, dog walking, picking up prescriptions or just being there at the end of the phone. These are good people and they give me faith in humanity. the other selfish bastards can go to hell in a handcart as far as i'm concerned.
The National Trust has opened it's trust sites free of charge, Burger King are offering free lunches to kids, the BBC are putting loads of old favourites on iplayer and lots of people are running all manner or groups on line such as the Military Wives Choir, exercise groups, book groups etc. See. Some people are good and think of others in the face of adversity. Some people are dicks. Which category do you fall into dear reader?
A little joke to make you think of something else and my gift to you.
A man goes into a doctors surgery to give a sperm sample. The doctor asks the man if he could masterbate in the cup. The man replies.. " well i know i'm really good at it but i've never thought about entering competitions before".
Thankyou and it's goodnight from her....
The current covid 19 pandemic has brought a tidal wave of wrong 'uns out into the open. People who are good, or perceived to be, have gone corona crazy. The other thing that's reached pandemic proportions, particularly in the UK, is panic buying. It started with people stock piling loo rolls and pasta. Then the tindemic and the great hand sanitiser exodus. Bizarrely our local supermarket ran out of cat biscuits. Not the meat-loads of that-just the biscuits. What the actual fornication? Surely not everybody has a cat? Not only that but why just the biscuits? Probably to lure the dolphins in. Well they do tend to be fish flavoured.
The people who panic shopped were still savvy with their purchases despite apparently being driven to act like contestants in Supermarket Sweep. I did note that while ALL of the tinned food had been bought the Fray Bentos pies and Heinz beans had been left behind like an ugly step child during tinmageddon because they were not on offer. Crazy times people.
My eldest daughter is doing a GCSE in food tech and i couldn't get the ingredients she needed for her spaghetti bolognese because bell ends had bought 3 tonnes of the stuff. I found myself having to get up unbelievably early on my only day off to drive to the supermarket and beat the rush just so my child could do her practical exam. I took my husband for security and i was also packing an air of 'fuck them all' which i find useful in these situations. We arrived at 7.50am, ten minutes before opening time. The car park had around 3 or 4 cars in it and my nieve other half said 'i think you're slightly over reacting love'. Slightly over reacting??? How very dare he!!! I was massively over reacting. However, we got our bags out of the car boot, headed for the door and waited for it to open. Within 5 minutes of us getting there the car park was full and there was a huge queue of people behind us. The doors opened and people piled in like their lives depended on it. It was every man/woman for themselves. The woman who was stood in the queue behind us was the first to pile loo rolls and pasta into her trolley racing around like a fucking rabid crack head. Only 5 minutes prior she'd been happily chatting to an elderly gent about how ridiculous these panic shoppers were and how you would never catch her doing that. She was right about one thing...that you would never catch her. She was off like a robber's dog. I saw a grown man having a toddler tantrum at a cashier for not letting him buy ALL of the dried spaghetti. A grown man people! The world has gone mad. Panic buying in the purest sense of the meaning is going out to buy say bread, cheese and milk. You then panic and come home with a jar of pickled walnuts, an angle grinder and some magic beans.These people are amateurs.
All of the schools in the UK closed indefinitely a few days ago so cue shops running out of wine and gin in around 1 weeks time. Don't get me wrong, i love my kids. The problem is that they hate each other. My options are limited as i work from home so i either pick a favourite and release the other one into the wild, move into the shed or start day time drinking. Wine and spirits aisle here i come.
I realise it's human nature to survive but at what cost? People who are generally pillars of the community are shedding their masks too readily for my liking. The integrity and moral compass in some people is becoming infected quicker than a hooker's fanny.
Our village pub closed it's doors as all pubs and clubs were ordered to by the government in order to protect it's citizens from this virus and reduce cases. Some people were actually complaining and giving the management a hard time. People are dying around the world in their thousands and selfishly the only concern these folk had was that they can't go to the pub for a pint. The staff at the pub, many of whom are on a zero hours contract (including myself in a part time capacity) either will not get paid or have been laid off until further notice. How do the punters think these people are feeling? I suspect, after what i have witnessed in the supermarkets, not one fuck is given.
Some good folk are offering help to those who need it such as shopping, dog walking, picking up prescriptions or just being there at the end of the phone. These are good people and they give me faith in humanity. the other selfish bastards can go to hell in a handcart as far as i'm concerned.
The National Trust has opened it's trust sites free of charge, Burger King are offering free lunches to kids, the BBC are putting loads of old favourites on iplayer and lots of people are running all manner or groups on line such as the Military Wives Choir, exercise groups, book groups etc. See. Some people are good and think of others in the face of adversity. Some people are dicks. Which category do you fall into dear reader?
A little joke to make you think of something else and my gift to you.
A man goes into a doctors surgery to give a sperm sample. The doctor asks the man if he could masterbate in the cup. The man replies.. " well i know i'm really good at it but i've never thought about entering competitions before".
Thankyou and it's goodnight from her....
Thursday, 5 March 2020
The observationist: Passions and Hobbies
The observationist: Passions and Hobbies: Most of us have a passion or a hobby. Mine happens to be motorbike road racing. I've always loved motorbikes. I think it comes from when...
Passions and Hobbies
Most of us have a passion or a hobby. Mine happens to be motorbike road racing. I've always loved motorbikes. I think it comes from when my mum was in labour with me, my uncle (her brother) took her to hospital on the back of his motorbike. My grandad had a bike with a sidecar too and lived in Scarborough-home to the only road racing circuit in England, Oliver's mount.. I could hear the races start from his garden and nag him to take me. He obliged and i used to sit aloft his shoulders watching legends like Barry Sheene, Mick Grant and the Dunlop brothers. Joey Dunlop was and still is my idol-God rest his soul. He was probably my first love. I met him once when i was a kid at oliver's mount, and remember thinking he could probably do with a good wash. I was smitten. Now i take my youngest daughter to the road races and she loves it. It's our thing. She takes some amazing photos and has sold quite a few which is some achievement for a 13 year old. She has her favourites now which are Bruce Anstey and...nope, that's it...Bruce Anstey. She asked him if she could have her photo with him a few years back, he happily obliged then he gave her the biggest hug. She said afterwards that he smelt amazing. She was smitten. The photo of them both takes pride of place in our house.
Although i love the bikes i don't let it take over my life unlike some folk do with their hobbies and passions.
I always say 'each to their own' but what the fuck is bus spotting all about? Why?????? I worked as a bus driver for around three years and i would regularly see these nerds congregate around the bus station with their notepads and cameras taking down the bus number, taking a photo then probably going off for a wank when they spotted a number they didn't have already. I suspect that not one of them has ever touched a boob before. I kind of understand train spotters because trains are fast and getting a number off one of those bad boys travelling at 120mph+ is a skill. Plane spotters are an enigma to me. How do you get a number off something at 30,000 feet? Madness.
There are so many hobbies these days such as crocheting, knitting, painting, gaming and baking. There is literally something for everyone. Even swinging and dogging are classed as hobbies...a kinky one, but a hobby never the less. It's not the sort of thing you would put at the end of your c.v though is it under hobbies and interests?
'I enjoy swimming, cooking, reading and pumping Mrs Jones from number 7 over the bonnet of her husband's renault laguna'
Although this would probably get the attention of the interviewer so the choice is yours.
Is a passion for something the same as a hobby? I have a particular passion for blood orange flavoured gin but if i made drinking it my hobby it'd possibly be frowned upon by social services and i wouldn't get much work done. Negotiating my way around the supermarket three sheets to the blood orange gin wind wearing my old wedding dress. one pop sock and mis-matched flip flops is not a look i'll be taking up any time soon. I'm not saying NEVER, just not soon.
Correct me if i'm wrong but i think the only thing that can be deemed both a passion and a hobby is keeping yourself fit. To dedicate your spare time to gyms, running, swimming, cycling, zumba or whatever floats your boat takes a strong will. I do not have that particular part of my brain anymore. I think i handed it in with the rest of my kit when i left the Army. Good riddance i say. My knees are like bags of gravel and make weird noises and my back is made of glass. These days i prefer sedate walks with my dogs. I've also stopped killing people too.
Hobbies and passions are what keep us sane a lot of the time. They are an escape and help us relax. Especially Mr Jones who i see cleaning his renault laguna every Sunday morning....
Although i love the bikes i don't let it take over my life unlike some folk do with their hobbies and passions.
I always say 'each to their own' but what the fuck is bus spotting all about? Why?????? I worked as a bus driver for around three years and i would regularly see these nerds congregate around the bus station with their notepads and cameras taking down the bus number, taking a photo then probably going off for a wank when they spotted a number they didn't have already. I suspect that not one of them has ever touched a boob before. I kind of understand train spotters because trains are fast and getting a number off one of those bad boys travelling at 120mph+ is a skill. Plane spotters are an enigma to me. How do you get a number off something at 30,000 feet? Madness.
There are so many hobbies these days such as crocheting, knitting, painting, gaming and baking. There is literally something for everyone. Even swinging and dogging are classed as hobbies...a kinky one, but a hobby never the less. It's not the sort of thing you would put at the end of your c.v though is it under hobbies and interests?
'I enjoy swimming, cooking, reading and pumping Mrs Jones from number 7 over the bonnet of her husband's renault laguna'
Although this would probably get the attention of the interviewer so the choice is yours.
Is a passion for something the same as a hobby? I have a particular passion for blood orange flavoured gin but if i made drinking it my hobby it'd possibly be frowned upon by social services and i wouldn't get much work done. Negotiating my way around the supermarket three sheets to the blood orange gin wind wearing my old wedding dress. one pop sock and mis-matched flip flops is not a look i'll be taking up any time soon. I'm not saying NEVER, just not soon.
Correct me if i'm wrong but i think the only thing that can be deemed both a passion and a hobby is keeping yourself fit. To dedicate your spare time to gyms, running, swimming, cycling, zumba or whatever floats your boat takes a strong will. I do not have that particular part of my brain anymore. I think i handed it in with the rest of my kit when i left the Army. Good riddance i say. My knees are like bags of gravel and make weird noises and my back is made of glass. These days i prefer sedate walks with my dogs. I've also stopped killing people too.
Hobbies and passions are what keep us sane a lot of the time. They are an escape and help us relax. Especially Mr Jones who i see cleaning his renault laguna every Sunday morning....
Wednesday, 19 February 2020
The observationist: Ghosts and the Supernatural
The observationist: Ghosts and the Supernatural: I feel pretty well informed on this particular subject as i've written many a spooky based script but what exactly is the supernatural? ...
Ghosts and the Supernatural
I feel pretty well informed on this particular subject as i've written many a spooky based script but what exactly is the supernatural? I'll tell you...it's a manifestation or event attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature. This covers the paranormal, vampires, werewolves, demons, angels, gods, extrasensory perception, witchcraft and occultism to name but a few. It's basically a departure from what is the norm so as to appear to transcend the laws of nature.
Shakespeare once said 'there are more things in Heaven and earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy'. Well enough of that crusty old bollocks, when or if you have a supernatural experience it will unnerve you some what. You might even let out a small involuntary noise you've never heard yourself make before and probably never will again.
When i told a friend of mine my next blog was going to be on the supernatural and ghosts he said 'oh, that's brilliant because you were touched weren't you'. It was a catholic school, dear reader, everyone was doing it! What he was actually referring to is i was touched by an unseen hand one night very recently on my way home, after 3 pints of Guinness, from our local village pub. I was tapped on the shoulder from behind three times. I swung round with my torch expecting to see my mate and there was nobody there. Cue small amount of wee and involuntary noise. Needless to say i broke some kind of land speed record getting back to the safety of my house. I say relative safety because we have a few active spooks at home. I don't mean the MI5 kind, because that'd be the worst cover story ever, but the dead kind-which isn't weird at all...It might be worth noting that the incident on my way home was not my first encounter with a ghost. I seem to attract them. The only way i can describe it is they know i know they're there and word has got round the spectrel community (if there is one). It doesn't scare me because it's been a thing for as long as i can remember and i largely ignore it but it does tend to unnerve other people i spend any amount of time with. For example a friend of mine came to my house over the christmas period who was a staunch non-believer. Notice the 'was' because while at my house and chilling out on the sofa watching TV he saw a tall human shaped shadow appear on the wall near a door way. I told him to ignore it because it was just showing off and he put it to the back of his mind. Then half an hour later it did it again. There was nobody else around to have cast the shadow. My friend's walk home was frought to say the least.
In our current home we have several active spooks but they don't bother me. Most of my guests have experienced some kind of weirdness when in my house such as cupboard doors randomly opening, door handles rattling, tapping, footsteps, hair pulling, shadows and cold blasts. When somebody new visits that tends to be when something will happen. I'm not sure why. I'm used to it and so are most of my friends and family. Spirits do tend to put 'the willys' up most people-ask my husband after i've had a few gins-but what actually are they? Echoes of the past? Manifestations? Nobody has a definitive answer. My great nan once told me that the living usually won't see the dead. WON'T as in WILL NOT. Like a refusal to accept. Many of my friends and family have had some kind of ghostly experience but in equal measure many haven't. I don't know anyone who has had an encounter with a vampire or a werewolf or anyone who is one. Life would be so much more interesting if they walked among us. It would be a case of unnatural selection. Survival of the fastest. As long as i can outrun Barbara from next door i'll be fine. She is 87 so i reckon i stand a good chance. I used to play a car game with my kids called 'vampire, werewolf or zombie'. I'd point out various pedestrians and my kids had to say whether the unsuspecting potential supernatural was a vampire a werewolf or a zombie. There are a surprisingly large amount of vampires in North Yorkshire. I still play this game in my head while out and about driving. Try it yourselves. It's great fun and makes you look at the general public in a totally different light.
I love to watch ghost and paranormal programs on the TV because i find them interesting and frustrating. Interesting because other people are curious but frustrating because nothing is ever really seen. In particular 'Ghost Adventures' hosted by Zac Bagins is a favourite because you can play the 'demon drink game'. Every time Zac Bagins says the word Demon take a drink. I've been known to drink half a bottle of gin in an hour because of him. 'Most Haunted' should be called 'least haunted' as nothing happens. EVER. Yvette and her team should come to my house.
Witchcraft is a broad term that varies culturally and societally. James 1st was obsessed with witchcraft and demons and even wrote a book about it. Practising witchcraft has been banned then repealed several times over the centuries as recently, through parliament, as 2008 under the 'fraudulent mediums act'. Once viewed with hostility and suspicion it has now transmuted into a mainstream phenomenon and is practised around the globe. Around 500 people were tried and executed for being witches in the UK alone so how is my ex mother in law still alive? Surely the pointy hat and broom are a dead give away.
Ghost hunting tourism is big business these days. People will pay a small fortune to do ghost tours, escape rooms, haunted walks and all manner of crap just to scare the bejesus out of themselves.
Me and the husband regularly stay at the renowned haunted castle, Tulloch castle, in Dingwall, Inverness, Scotland. We go once a year for a well earned break from the kids and have an absolute ball. We've stayed in 3 of the most haunted rooms in the castle and experienced very little in the way of spirits unless you count the top row of the amazing whisky collection. The castle do their own free ghost tour every night which are a lot of fun and include a lot of historical content.and we love it. The rooms are amazing, the staff are brilliant and the food in the restaurant is fantastic.
Whether you believe or not is irrelevant. Most of us are curious about life after death. To some of us it's a comfort and to others it's an impossibility. Regardless of what you believe we don't know for sure what awaits us once we've shuffled off this mortal coil but we all hope it's not just lights out. Endex.
Shakespeare once said 'there are more things in Heaven and earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy'. Well enough of that crusty old bollocks, when or if you have a supernatural experience it will unnerve you some what. You might even let out a small involuntary noise you've never heard yourself make before and probably never will again.
When i told a friend of mine my next blog was going to be on the supernatural and ghosts he said 'oh, that's brilliant because you were touched weren't you'. It was a catholic school, dear reader, everyone was doing it! What he was actually referring to is i was touched by an unseen hand one night very recently on my way home, after 3 pints of Guinness, from our local village pub. I was tapped on the shoulder from behind three times. I swung round with my torch expecting to see my mate and there was nobody there. Cue small amount of wee and involuntary noise. Needless to say i broke some kind of land speed record getting back to the safety of my house. I say relative safety because we have a few active spooks at home. I don't mean the MI5 kind, because that'd be the worst cover story ever, but the dead kind-which isn't weird at all...It might be worth noting that the incident on my way home was not my first encounter with a ghost. I seem to attract them. The only way i can describe it is they know i know they're there and word has got round the spectrel community (if there is one). It doesn't scare me because it's been a thing for as long as i can remember and i largely ignore it but it does tend to unnerve other people i spend any amount of time with. For example a friend of mine came to my house over the christmas period who was a staunch non-believer. Notice the 'was' because while at my house and chilling out on the sofa watching TV he saw a tall human shaped shadow appear on the wall near a door way. I told him to ignore it because it was just showing off and he put it to the back of his mind. Then half an hour later it did it again. There was nobody else around to have cast the shadow. My friend's walk home was frought to say the least.
In our current home we have several active spooks but they don't bother me. Most of my guests have experienced some kind of weirdness when in my house such as cupboard doors randomly opening, door handles rattling, tapping, footsteps, hair pulling, shadows and cold blasts. When somebody new visits that tends to be when something will happen. I'm not sure why. I'm used to it and so are most of my friends and family. Spirits do tend to put 'the willys' up most people-ask my husband after i've had a few gins-but what actually are they? Echoes of the past? Manifestations? Nobody has a definitive answer. My great nan once told me that the living usually won't see the dead. WON'T as in WILL NOT. Like a refusal to accept. Many of my friends and family have had some kind of ghostly experience but in equal measure many haven't. I don't know anyone who has had an encounter with a vampire or a werewolf or anyone who is one. Life would be so much more interesting if they walked among us. It would be a case of unnatural selection. Survival of the fastest. As long as i can outrun Barbara from next door i'll be fine. She is 87 so i reckon i stand a good chance. I used to play a car game with my kids called 'vampire, werewolf or zombie'. I'd point out various pedestrians and my kids had to say whether the unsuspecting potential supernatural was a vampire a werewolf or a zombie. There are a surprisingly large amount of vampires in North Yorkshire. I still play this game in my head while out and about driving. Try it yourselves. It's great fun and makes you look at the general public in a totally different light.
I love to watch ghost and paranormal programs on the TV because i find them interesting and frustrating. Interesting because other people are curious but frustrating because nothing is ever really seen. In particular 'Ghost Adventures' hosted by Zac Bagins is a favourite because you can play the 'demon drink game'. Every time Zac Bagins says the word Demon take a drink. I've been known to drink half a bottle of gin in an hour because of him. 'Most Haunted' should be called 'least haunted' as nothing happens. EVER. Yvette and her team should come to my house.
Witchcraft is a broad term that varies culturally and societally. James 1st was obsessed with witchcraft and demons and even wrote a book about it. Practising witchcraft has been banned then repealed several times over the centuries as recently, through parliament, as 2008 under the 'fraudulent mediums act'. Once viewed with hostility and suspicion it has now transmuted into a mainstream phenomenon and is practised around the globe. Around 500 people were tried and executed for being witches in the UK alone so how is my ex mother in law still alive? Surely the pointy hat and broom are a dead give away.
Ghost hunting tourism is big business these days. People will pay a small fortune to do ghost tours, escape rooms, haunted walks and all manner of crap just to scare the bejesus out of themselves.
Me and the husband regularly stay at the renowned haunted castle, Tulloch castle, in Dingwall, Inverness, Scotland. We go once a year for a well earned break from the kids and have an absolute ball. We've stayed in 3 of the most haunted rooms in the castle and experienced very little in the way of spirits unless you count the top row of the amazing whisky collection. The castle do their own free ghost tour every night which are a lot of fun and include a lot of historical content.and we love it. The rooms are amazing, the staff are brilliant and the food in the restaurant is fantastic.
Whether you believe or not is irrelevant. Most of us are curious about life after death. To some of us it's a comfort and to others it's an impossibility. Regardless of what you believe we don't know for sure what awaits us once we've shuffled off this mortal coil but we all hope it's not just lights out. Endex.
Sunday, 12 January 2020
The observationist: New Year
The observationist: New Year: New year. New beginnings and all that bollocks. Why is it that every year from January the first people decide to be a less wanky version of...
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