The observationist: Covid Christmas

The observationist: Covid Christmas:  A covid Christmas is undoubtedly going to be different to what we in the decadent West are used to for sure. The rules regarding seeing fam...

Covid Christmas

 A covid Christmas is undoubtedly going to be different to what we in the decadent West are used to for sure. The rules regarding seeing family and friends have changed more times than Kerry Katona's husbands. In England we are only allowed to mix with people in our Christmas bubble on Christmas day as long as we aren't in tier 4. According to this logic covid stays away on Christmas day and gives everyone the day off. People's holiday plans have been thrown into chaos as rules are changed and goalposts are moved thanks to a virus that kills.

The virus has started to mutate and some people seem surprised by this latest development. Virus's mutate in order to survive. They need a host and we are it. If we don't adhere to the rules which are put in place tp protect us by December 2021 the virus will have mutated so much it'll come around your house, sing you a carol and finger your Nan. Fact. Think of it this way, you don't have to invite Uncle nob head for Christmas dinner, you spend less money, you can start on the cocktails at 6am because you don't have to drive anywhere and nobody cares if you strip naked to watch the Queen's speech because you have the meat sweats-unless your'e on zoom then at least wear a party hat. I don't want anybody to be lonely at Christmas but let's face it, if you only get an invite somewhere or visitors at Christmas then you should probably re-evaluate your social circle.

Does Santa have to adhere to the social distancing rules because he can't work from home? If he had to isolate after visiting  every third household he'd still be delivering presents in 2060 and have a worse backlog than the royal mail. He'd have to isolate at home in the North Pole with the elves and Rudolf. It's doubtful he'd manage to get a Tesco delivery slot for beard wax and reindeer nuts. To help him out this year instead of leaving out a sherry and a mine pie we'll be leaving him out some hand sanitizer and a face mask.

The worst hit with the covid rules are not families and friends who can't see each other but small businesses. So many folk are losing their livelihoods and literally don't have a pot to piss in. A lot of small business owners are trying to adapt and diversify to keep money coming in. I absolutely applaud this and my family have been doing our bit to support these little fish. Some business owners do take liberties though such as some pubs and restaurants who offer take away food for the same price as if you were sitting in. If i paid £15.00 for a portion of fish and chips i'd expect it to drive itself to my house, bring a bottle of wine and give my husband a hand shandy.

In the past few weeks a vaccine has been rolled out which is an amazing feat of medical science. The first person to be innoculated was a 90 odd year old woman. Now while i understand the need to protect our elderly and vulnerable members of society but am i missing something here? The elderly and vulnerable are already isolating and mostly abiding to the stay at home guidance so are less likely to come into contact with someone who has the virus. Shouldn't we be vaccinating the so called 'super spreaders'? The youth have been getting the blame for spreading the virus and mostly being asymptomatic. Like it or not it's the youth who will re-populate the earth when the rest of us have been wiped out. 92 year old Miriam from Basildon is not going to contribute to the saving of the human race. Her eggs are long gone if not hard boiled. Worst case scenario, the virus could kill off everyone under the age of 70 once it's mutated into covid 25 then our earth would be reminiscent of the film cocoon or the living dead. Perhaps this is what happened to the dinosaurs.

All of you miserable Christmas hating bastards out there (my husband is one of them dear reader) must be living the dream right now because not only do you get to whinge about Christmas and it's capitalist pig mentality (oink oink) you also get to whinge that it's been ruined by your elected government and thanks to them you've now got less to whinge about. There's democracy for you. Your'e screwed if you do and your'e screwed if you don't. You Yuletide jaw wankers will still accept presents, however, hoover up Christmas lunch and alcohol. This Christmas could be the greatest victory of the bourgeoisie.. I'll bet even Marxists accepted the odd Christmas present but they won't have opened them until after dinner.

Happy Christmas everyone. Even you Uncle nob head and remember this year don't mingle with Chris Tingle. .   

The observationist: Covid Wedding

The observationist: Covid Wedding:  I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by n...

Covid Wedding

 I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by not being able to have a lavish do but it is a big plus. We can only invite 13 people under current government guidelines and it's been like Sophie's choice. The positives far outweigh the negatives. We have extra money to spend on prosecco and we don't have to invite uncle nob head. Obviously there are people we would like at the church and to share our day but to get around this we have set up zoom. I'm not having any bridesmaids but my dad is giving me away so he's double hatting as father of the bride and bridesmaid. I have asked him to wear a Laura Ashley number but he declined the dress. However he will still fight for the bouquet after and my money is on him. He's got hands like shovels.

The one negative that is perplexing me is  me-the bride-having to organise the very small reception by providing hand sanitizer, anti-bacterial wipes, disposable cutlery, plates ,cups and to make sure our guests are safe and feel safe. What i should be doing is making sure the bridesmaids aren't getting finger blasted by the best man or uncle nob head isn't flashing the in-laws. I should be planning my first dance music and looking forward to my honeymoon but instead i'm considering installing a sheep dip to dunk my guests just incase one of those smug as fuck asymptomatic dickheads turns up. 

We're not having a sit down meal after the main event. Instead we're ordering takeaway and we'll be having a few plastic cups of fizz. I haven't turned into a bridezilla and i'm trying to stay chilled out and take the restrictions in my stride because our wedding day is just that-OUR wedding day. We are getting married despite the pandemic and that is what's important in the grand scheme of things. I know a lot of couples have postponed their weddings until they can have a big fat gypsy affair but small is beautiful. It's actually costing couples more because bridesmaids and pageboys outgrow their already bought outfits, deposits are lost and when the day comes where big weddings are back on venues and planners will make a killing because of supply and demand. I understand some couples struggle to have a small do because of guest limitations or family politics or whatever but i'm from a huge family. We're both of Irish descent and largely catholic so i've got around 952 first cousins, 48 grandparents, 96 aunts and uncles, 3 mams and 1 dad. It is possible. Think of the money saved and it actually makes the family politics easier. You just say sorry you can't come...covid. I mean everyone else seems to use covid as an excuse to do fuck all and you'll never get that opportunity again. I don't want to put wedding planners out of a job but if you feel like you need one and you can't organise your own wedding without overpaid external help (remember planners do it for the money-not because they like you) then you've probably got too much money and i have no sympathy for you. Donate your planner money to Dogs trust or cancer research or the Royal British Legion. Use it for good instead of being so solipsistic and egomaniacal. If you think the venue and the koudos it brings defines your wedding then you need to think about why you are getting married and have a long hard look at your dark aura. Marriage is the joining together of two people not just to show off to your guests that your'e getting hitched on a far flung beach or in a castle with otters nipple vol au vents and a gin ice fountain carved to look like the Taj Mahal with a tiny train driving through the centre driven by a bush baby dressed like Elton John. I hope the Kardashians aren't reading this and get any ideas. Bush babies do not like dressing as rock icons.

A covid wedding is just as good, if not better, than a regular wedding. It's smaller and more intimate. Your guests are the people you love most in the world and they get to share this moment in history with you. In years to come me and my future husband will get to tell our grandkids of our big little day. We got married during the great covid pandemic because we wanted to. The only big deal that day was us becoming husband and wife. Small is beautiful.    

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness:  So heer we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protest...

Covid 19-the madness

 So here we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protests of the great unwashed and ill educated in major cities across the UK and the rest of the world there appears to be a spike in cases. Whoda thunk it? Those bell ends will no doubt be the first to whinge they're now having restrictions placed on their lives when they've absolutely no right to.The latest statistics show that there are more people in hospital with covid 19 now than there were at the start of the pandemic back in March. The rest of civilized society managed to socially distance, wear masks, sanitize their hands and not break into Primark to steal 900 pairs of black leggings and a boob tube. The rest of us, the majority, are now having to sow what those twats reaped.

Pubs are closing again but i personally haven't missed them. I got used to supermarket prices and home measures. The first time i went to a pub after the first lockdown and asked for a small white wine i almost burst out laughing when it was given to me. Not because of the pathetic size of it but because it cost almost the same as a full bottle from Aldi. I've decided to counteract this and make my own pub in the garage. My other half thinks i'm crazy because he doesn't possess the gift of 'vision'. He's not blind he's just no George Clark. He went along with my idea anyway and that's why i love him. You know your'e with the right person when they come along for a ride on the crazy train and let you be mental central ticket for two.. We now have our own pub complete with bar, stools, table, inflatable sofa, cheap booze and no closing time at 10pm. I've also turned our garden shed into my little escape zone. I have comfy chairs, a rug, books, cd player, prosecco, twinkly lights and a rage pillow. I have christened my girl cave 'The lady garden-shed'. Anyone can come and have a look at my lady garden. I can highly recommend. My trip advisor status would read 'very tidy lady garden, small tight area with a welcoming front hatch'. Five stars.

I think one of  the worst things about the whole lockdown process and limitations on our lives is the sheer boredom. My OCD has meant that i have been getting on my own nerves since March. I suppose i'm lucky that i have my daughters, my husband and my dogs that all think they live in an all inclusive resort. When clap for carers starts again they'd better all be outside clapping for me. Hence the rage pillow.

Boris's latest is placing England on a tier system. Low, medium, high and very high. I'm in a medium area but my parents are in a high zone so the only way i can see them in person is in an open outside space. My mum and dad are almost 70 years old so the last thing i want to do is meet them outside in the freezing cold winter where they could catch flu. Soon there'll be more tiers than a Kardashian wedding cake. Why doesn't the government just paint a big red cross on everyone's front door who tests positive and be done with it. Old skool plague outing rather than pissing about with different tiers and zones.

Pubs are closing again but gyms are staying open. WTAF? I have never been to a pub and been on the receiving end of a strangers' sweat in my eyes, nor have i ever stood at a bar and witnessed some blokes cum face while i've sipped on my pimms. If i wanted to see that kind of thing i'd become an MP. Hospitality has taken a real hammering these past few months and i doubt it will get back on track within the next 5 years or so. People are losing their jobs, their livelihoods, their homes and their minds. Just behave yourselves people. If your'e told to adhere to lockdown rules do it. Most recently Liverpool has been put in lockdown and in the very high category. Like good citizens there's been barely a grumble. Sure, it's shit but they get it. The scousers have got it right. Manchester, however is behaving like a collective Gallagher brother and strutting around demanding money with menaces from the government. Not all of them, granted, but the ones with voices who don't represent everyone. Everybody is in the same boat financially and mentally. That boat is not an all expenses paid cruise liner. It's a dodgy second hand canoe at best that looks set to capsize. Sir Keir Starmer who represents the working mans' party is treating the pandemic like a political point scoring exercise. It's easy to sit in your ivory tower and finger point when you've got a knighthood, money and a massive house. Sir Keir Starmer KCB QC MP describes himself as a socialist so he'd be alright for a sub. I wonder how he'd react if Dave from Barnsley who has lost his job and his house turned up at his palatial home and claimed collective or common ownership. The only letters Dave has after his name are CCJ.

It's simple people of the United Kingdom, do as your'e told or this pandemic will end in tiers.         

Pregnancy and Babies

From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 250 million to one chance and then there you are-up the duff, preggers, with child, in the pudding club, a bumpy jumper. Whatever you want to call it your life is about to change forever. If it's your first then Godspeed my friend. If it's your fourth or fifth-what the hell were you thinking? 

I have two kids because my first was an absolute dream. A common error with new parents. Now they are both teenagers i am the artist formally known as Nikky. A shadow of my former self. I have that haunted look about me. The look of 'i used to be somebody' or 'when will they leave home?' One day i'll be able to eat an ice cream to myself without having to hide in the shed and i'll know where my hair straighteners are at all times.

Pregnancy affects people in different ways. Some women suffer (and i mean SUFFER) with sickness. I had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout both of my pregnancies. I tried every remedy possible but nothing worked. The best bit was once i reached the 7 month stage my bladder gave up on me too. The joy of standing in a supermarket throwing up AND weeing yourself simultaneously is a real spectacle. At that point i didn't care. I'd just waddle back to my car and eat two full family sized bags of wine gums. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant as an army driver so getting in and out of trucks was an experience. I had to take a little step ladder with me. Also in true squaddie fashion every time i said i felt sick the lads used to put bets on for not only if i would  wee myself too but that said wee would be a 'double legger'. Sadly it often was. 

Some women do pregnancy really well and look amazing. Not me. I looked like an over inflated sex doll. My boobs looked like two woks in a hammock and my arse could be seen from space. Even my feet got fat. None of my shoes fit so the only things i could wear were a pair of mismatched flip flops. Mismatched because a) i couldn't see my feet and b) not one fuck was given. Pregnancy does not suit me.   

After incubating a little person for around 9 months a baby is born. Labour varies for everyone and any mid wife will tell you that no two births are the same. My first took 13 hours and my second just forty minutes. She was almost called M5 as i was travelling to Newport a the time. Her head was out by the time i got to the hospital and she'd wrecked the interior of my Ford Laguna. My midwife was a bloke called  Kevin who had the strongest Welsh accent i'd ever heard. He was from Swansea. He was absolutely fantastic and a lovely guy. I didn't poo myself (blessed) and i only swore around 11 times and Kevin was there for me every step of the way. However when Kevin told me there was no time for pain relief i grabbed him by his shirt lapelles pulled him to my face and growled 'there's always fucking time for pain relief Kevin!'. He was right, obviously. A friend of mine who went into labour a few weeks early couldn't get hold of her husband to take her to the hospital so we jumped in my car and i went in with her. I promised i'd stay with her until hubby got there. By the time he got there we were both off our heads on gas and air. He burst into the labour room and my drugged up mate shouted 'fwoooor! you look well fit in that shirt you sexy bastard!'. We asked him later on after the baby had been born (a little girl incase you were wondering) if he saw her coming out down 'the business end'. He said he had but it was like watching his favourite pub burn down. 

Once the trauma of birth is over with we bring home our bundles of joy. This helpless little person who can't look after themselves properly and who's only interested in the boobs...but enough about the dad...For the first time you are no longer the most important person in your life. This little dude needs you to nurture, protect and love him or her. If it's your first baby you go to town on buying all manner of baby stuff, 99% of which you will never use. You have everything from breast pumps to changing stations, nappy bins, activity mats, teddys, papooses and baby monitors. If it's your second or third they get the hand me downs from baby no.1. If it's your fourth or fifth or so on they're lucky if they get a changing mat and a pushchair because you've had to sell everything on ebay or mumsnet so you can afford to eat. Also your'e not as 'precious' with baby number three onwards. Your'e a seasoned parent now. An old sweat. A baby veteran. You should get a mention in dispatches at the very least. You could probably look after this one with your eyes shut which is just as well because you will be suffering with sleep deprivation and hallucinations the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock. You walk around in a dream like state not really knowing if you are alive or dead. Family and friends come round to see the new edition and pretend not to notice that your once tidy home looks like an IED has gone off in a talc and nappy factory.

Both of my girls were booby babies but breast feeding isn't for everyone-especially the dads.Ha! The first few weeks are incredibly painful and the nipple starts to resemble a battle ship rivet. If you can get through that first four weeks you've cracked it. Breast feeders occasionally have to express milk into a bottle so someone else can have a go feeding the baby and mum have a few hours off to cover her nipples in sudocrem and drink gin. Expressing is done, for the uninitiated, via a contraption called a breast pump. They can be hand or battery operated and come in all shapes and sizes. A suction cup is placed over the nipple and milk is extracted into a bottle. Obviously depending on how mjuch milk you produce depends on how much is 'harvested'. With my second daughter i made so much milk i used to donate the excess to the premature baby ward. For anyone who has witnessed the horror of either theirs or their partners nipple being vacuum stretched to around four inches you have my sympathies. It's possibly the weirdest thing i have ever seen and i have seen some weird shit. One of my babies was constantly on the boob until she was nearly 18 months old. I just couldn't get her off it. She was walking, had teeth and was using whole sentences by the time i weaned her off it. At one point i thought i'd have to go to her school at lunch time and poke my boob through the school fence! Still, i'm a firm believer in breast is best. My girls rarely get ill and have the most amazing teeth. I hope that one day when they have kids they'll follow suit. I also hope that their babies leave their boobs looking like an empty pyjama case too.

Nappy changing is always an issue with babies because they seem to poo stuff out that looks like radioactive algae and smells of evil. When you see a parent pick up a baby and sniff the back end make sure you stand well back and down wind preferably. This baby is about to go off! Run for the hills if that baby has been laying on their back and kicking their chubby little legs prior to a nappy change because you can guarantee it will be, what is technically known as, an 'up the back jobby'. One of mine and several of my friend's babies used to regularly do an 'up the back jobby' but not content with that they'd also get it up as far as their shoulder blades and in their hair too. In this instance the only measure available is to pick them up with a pair of industrial tongs and elbow length rubber gloves and put them in the bath. Wet wipes will not suffice.

Babies are brilliant whether their yours or someone else's.  Someone else's are slightly better because you can give them back when they cry or smell funny. Your baby is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid eyes on and is your absolute world forever. Once they start walking they have reached toddlerhood and that is a whole new level of fresh hell. Good luck to toddler wranglers everywhere. your'e going to need it.

Daddy's little angel by Jason A. Hodges

When you were born, you filled my heart with pride

And i was overcome by the joy i felt inside.

As i held you in my arms that very first day,

I knew i would never let any harm come your way.