Embarrassing Parents

My dad holds the record for most embarrassing parent ever. The extreme lengths he went to to show up me and my younger sister are legendary and will probably be held forth in in history books for future generations to marvel and poke ridicule at two bewildered siblings.
He once told me that cellotaping orange peel to my teenage spots would draw the spot out and clear it up. Like a fool i believed him and walked around the house with orange peel festooned upon my face like an actual mental patient. Obviously it did not work and i am forever a mockery in citrus based circles.
Occasionally my dad would pick me and my sister up from school to spare us the 4 mile walk home. However, he did not spare us the shame of rocking up in his very uncool Mazda 929 estate with Mike Oldfield's tubular bells blaring out. My friends would laugh and point and shout 'that's your dad that is!' The mortification level was so high I'd refuse to get in the car which resulted in him following me in the mirth mobile down the road shouting 'get in the car'. I'm amazed he wasn't arrested.
Aged about 13 and 10 respectively my sister and i had pals over for tea which my dad insisted on cooking (i should have smelled a rat as my dad never cooked tea). We sat in the dining room while my dad busied himself in the kitchen behind a closed door. Tea was hotdogs and chips with a surprise pudding. We all ate our hotdogs and chips, delicious. My dad makes the best chips ever. Fact. We waited for our pudding cunningly named 'kiwi surprise' discussing what the surprise element might be...kiwi fruit?...sure...ice cream?...maybe...Suddenly the kitchen door was flung open and in leapt my dad dressed as a full on maori  warrior. He performed the most disturbing haka iv'e ever seen while carrying four desserts. Our friends found it hilarious. My sister and me were so traumatised and embarrassed by what we had witnessed we vowed revenge of the highest order. It was kiwi fruit and ice cream, incase you were wondering, with a slice of disconcertment.
I went shopping with my dad once into our local town, In my dad's defence for what happened next i did MAKE him come with me and he does HATE shopping. So there i was walking through the town centre on a busy Saturday afternoon with my beloved dad when he became bored. My dad and boredom do not play nicely. He took it upon himself to start dragging his leg and shouting 'wait for me! Don't leave me like last time!' I walked faster, he shouted louder and people started to stare at the spectacle. I stormed over to him and hissed 'stop it dad, your'e embarrassing me'. He then decided it would be hilarious to shriek 'please don't hit me again. Don't use the stick!' If the ground could've opened up i;d have dragged him down there with me. Unbefuckinlievable!!!
Don't get me wrong, i had a brilliant childhood full of laughs and adventures and i wouldn't change a thing. However, I'm a parent now also to two girls who just entering into teenagedom so unfortunately for them it's my turn  to become world's most embarrassing parent. Now i know why my dad did it. It's so much fun.
I tell my kids all sorts of mad stuff just to see if my acting degree taught me how to be a really convincing story teller/fibber. I've told them i had a job cleaning chimneys when i was 6 years old. Iv'e told them i have two other daughters that i sent away to a naughty girls home. I've also told them my mum-their much loved nanny-used to be a spy and that's how she met grandad, Funnily enough they don't believe the first two storys/fibs but the genuinely believe that nanny used to be a spy. My mum and dad like to perpetuate this myth to the point where my mum has actually bought some tight black leather gloves (which she mainly uses for strangling assailants-obvs) and she occasionally talks into the bottom of her sleeve saying things like 'man...aged 50ish...blue audi...took my parking space...have him killed...'
My girls missed their school bus recently due to their tardiness so i had to drive them there. Knowing their friends would be waiting for them at school i wore my pyjamas, slippers, dressing gown and for good measure i put some rollers in my hair. I put on my most embarrassing CD at full volume, in homage to my dad,. I pulled up right next to their group of friends despite my daughter's protests. I made sure everybody saw me and told them both if they missed the bus again next time i would get out of the car and plead for them not to leave me. They haven't been late since.
I have, and i'm not ashamed to say, run alongside a school coach as it pulled away carrying my daughter and her entire class on a trip and pretended to cry very loudly waving a handkerchief shouting 'mummy loves you' She was 13.
One evening they both had friends over for pizza and while we were sat at the table i declared a 'lets see who can make themselves go the reddest' competition. When it came to my turn i strained so hard i may have farted. I say may...i did.
I have hidden behind a shower curtain for 20 minutes waiting for my daughter to come into the bathroom just so i could leap out at her resulting in a scream so loud i swear my dad heard it 20 miles away and punched the air. I have hidden under her bed, in her wardrobe, behind doors and once up a tree. I have pretended to be a non descript foreigner when she phones me and i know she's with her friends and has her phone on loud speaker as all kids do these days. I like to sing badly at karaoke when we're on holiday and i often pretend to be mentally deficient when I'm out with her. I believe  it's character building. My daughters believe i'm an idiot.
One day they will look back on their childhood and realise that they had a brilliant, happy fun filled time full of laughs and adventures.
Life is too short to be constantly fixing your eyebrows, going to the hairdressers or not hanging out with your kids. All too soon they'll be gone with families of their own to embarrass, so get off your phones, be silly, embarrass your kids at every opportunity, have fun, make memories and be a parent. Embarrassing parentage is a right of passage. Your parents did it. You do it and in time your kids will do it too. Life is for living. It shouldn't be something that passes you by while the boring stuff happens.