Grandparents

We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have our kids for sleep overs occasionally to give us a 'break' but then punish us by filling them full of sugar, sweets and pop, let them go to bed when they want and fill their little heads with big ideas. Big ideas like little Joey can be an airline pilot if he wants to be or little Tiffany could be prime minister if she works hard at school. WRONG. little Joey was trying to suck a snail out of it's shell two days ago and little Tiffany thinks Frozen is a documentary. The sugar come down when they get back home is so horrendous that the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock and the bedtime routine is so fucked up that we have to use a tranquilizer dart just to get them down from the climbing frame and into their pyjamas. They are wound up so tightly they could have the king of all meltdowns at any second and go off like a sugar coated semtex filled pinata. Bastards!
My grandparents were brilliant. I used to have an absolute ball staying with them in their big victorian house by the sea side. I used to get up at daft o'clock and go to the newsagents with my grandad then walk back home to my nan cooking a full fry up with a fag hanging off her bottom lip. The smell of fried eggs with a side of fag ash still makes me smile and wish they were still alive today. Me and my grandad used to go the rocks at the beach and collect a bucket of winkles while waves crashed around us threatening to drag is out to sea. Unbelievably dangerous but i felt safe because my grandad was there.
You see, when you have grandparents it's not for long. Inevitably we all become members of an exclusive club we didn't sign up for. Life catches up with them and those lines on the face and creaky bones that tell a million stories far more interesting than ours are laid to rest. Their death is often the first one we encounter and the first loss of a loved one that actually makes your heart feel like it's going to break.
I was lucky enough to have grandparents, great grandparents AND a great great nan. By christ she was old! All of them used to tell me how poor they were as kids and how lucky i was. I'd roll my eyes, nod in agreement and then they'd give me a bit of pocket money and a whiskery kiss. Why do all nannas, nannys, nans, grannys-whatever you want to call them-have better moustaches and beards than an Irish folk band? Why does nobody say anything? It's either out of respect or fear of getting a clip around the ear hole.
My mum and dad are brilliant grandparents to three granddaughters. No grandsons much to my dad's dismay. It's not that he loves his granddaughters any less but having two daughters already a boy would be nice. He's outnumbered, outwitted and more often than not out of pocket. He does have one ace up his sleeve though. He's gone from embarrassing parent to the heady heights of embarrassing grandad. There is nothing this man won't do to show up his daughters but there's a whole new level now. It's not that he goes out of his way to show up his grandkids but he has actually recruited them in his quest to mortify their mums. Us. His poor bewildered offspring. He has taught my eldest daughter, who is to be fair a willing participant in such japery, to scare me at every opportunity. Jumping out of cupboards, wardrobes, from behind curtains and under tables. No where is safe. I'm pretty sure he's training her to be an assassin. To add insult to injury he gives his grandkids pocket money every month. Gives them it!!! Me and my sister had to do chores to earn our pocket money and they get it just because theyr'e cute and the apples of his eye. Where is the justice in that? I live with a mini Kato and grandad finds that hilarious. Just remember who gets to pick your nursing home dad. Nanny loves to spoil her grandkids and takes them all shopping for pretty much whatever their heart desires. If they weren't spending mine and my sister's inheritance i'd be happy for them.
Grandparents love to dish out unwanted advice on how to bring your kids up. Whatever you, as the parent, says or does the general response is 'you wouldn't have got away with that in my day'. Yeah well in your day we were allowed to travel in a car boot with no seat belt on while you smoked fags in the front, we were told to be seen but not heard and we got a good hiding if we gave an adult any lip. You show a kid a slipper or a belt these days the response would most likely be 'oh my god! your'e not wearing that are you?'. Be warned though, fruit of my loins, for one day i will be a grandparent to your kids where i will fill them full of e-numbers and big ideas and i will laugh in your face when you ask me to babysit. Me and the hubby are retiring to Greece so we still get to watch our grandchildren grow up but from far enough away so that they can't, at a moments notice be thrown out of a moving vehicle onto our lawn with an overnight bag.
Grandparents are brilliant, full of knowledge, love, kindness and great stories. They've lived a life that'd probably make your toes curl so when i'm a grandparent i'll relish it because i know i won't have long. I'll spoil them, teach them mad shit and we'll get into trouble together.
Long live grandparents.