Self grooming

This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know how to tap into our insecurities. We are so tuned in to how we are supposed to look and feel that we believe that a certain product or procedure will help us achieve our goal. From hairstyles, anal bleaching, anti-wrinkle creams, tanning, chemical peels, exercise, threading, waxing and self help mantras, just about every avenue (and back alley ooh er missus) is covered. I went to get my eyebrows threaded once but changed my mind after i saw the woman (threader) threading another woman's fanny. It put me right off.
Iv'e never felt the urge to get my bum hole bleached and i'm not really sure why people get it done. I do subscribe to anti-wrinkle stuff though in the form of a thick layer of Nivea around my eyes, jaw line and neck before i go to bed. I swear by it. It's a good job my hubby-being very British-prefers sex with the light off because if he was to see me in my full Nivea glory he'd need anal bleaching because of the sheer horror.
I occasionally visit my local tanning emporium for a vitamin D boost. It's one of those upright ones where you go into a booth, strip off and then stand holding onto two straps that hang from the ceiling. The positions you have to get into to get the optimum tan coverage are unbelievable and, believe me, Russian gymnasts train for years to get that kind of posture and balance. For the ladies with boobs and a bum ( #blessed) the last thing you want is white creases either under the boob or where your bum cheek meets the top of your thigh. I reckon i'm a fully paid up and qualified contortionist with the positions i can get in to. For the fellas the under carriage is an issue. Do you cup the lad and nuts and lift them up running the risk of having a white stripe across your torso from your arm or do you tuck? Decisions decisions.
Exercise is a great way to keep you in shape and gyms are incredibly popular with a lot of people. If you don't mind looking at a stranger's sex face while you do weights then this is the place for you. I prefer the home gym method then nobody cares if i accidentally fart while doing sit ups or squats and nobody bats an eyelid if i eat a cake straight after planking- apart from the cat but she is very judgmental. I used to go running a lot but now my knees can't cope. My brain is saying "yeah! let's do this" but my fibula and patella are shouting "move away from those trainers lady! Not today!" .
I don't visit the hairdressers very often because i'm quite lucky in the hair department. I have naturally blonde way hair which grows really quickly. I usually go for a trim once a year. I've also achieved the ultimate dream of breeding a child who is about to start training as a hairdresser. Win win.
Self help books work for a lot of people but i don't buy into that guff. If i want to do something and somebody tells me i can't then naturally- i will. I don't need some sandal wearing, aluminium collecting, yogurt eating veggie telling me how to live my best life. That's my mum's job. She doesn't even have to say anything. She just gives me 'the look of disapproving doom' and i sort my shit out.
Makeup companies all tell us how amazing their product is and how beautiful you will look if you buy their brand but surely you can find something you like that suits your skin type under your own steam. You don't need someone telling you "maybe your'e born with it". In my opinion if you are indeed born with it then you don't need it. Also for the record i don't want "the London look". I live in 't' Yorkshire FFS!
Zumba, pilates and yoga are quite popular for a lot of women and some men but do we really need to be told to breathe? I mean, come on, if you need to be told to breathe you probably shouldn't be allowed to breed. You'll also be told to shake your money maker or be bent into positions that make the karma sutra look like a Janet and John book. Do we need this in our lives? I'm not sure we do but different strokes for different folks.
I don't fancy getting any part of my body waxed. How was this ever invented anyway? Did someone during a kinky sex game accidentally drop hot wax onto a hairy area, rip it off leaving a bald patch and think "hey! I'm onto something here". Call me old fashioned but if i went into a waxing salon and a lady who i didn't know asked me to hold a fanny lip open while she painted hot wax onto it then proceeded to rip out my pubes i'd be a tad mortified and quite possibly need counselling . The weird thing about waxing, according to a beautician friend of mine, is that you have to grow your body hair to a certain length so the wax can grip it and remove it from the root. So for around 3 weeks you have to walk around like captain caveman or like your'e giving Bob Marley a shoulder carry and wear tights thick enough so your compressed leg hair doesn't look like an ordnance survey map through the mesh. I recommend 200 denier or 'maths teacher strength'.
To conclude do whatever makes you feel good but never spend over £100 on an anti-wrinkle cream or have so much surgery you look like you've been ironed. Live your best life without some self help 'guru' telling you to 'enjoy the simpler things in life' and 'money isn't everything' while charging you £25.00 for their book and living in a beach house in California with the proceeds. Make exercise fun and never let a stranger wax your fanny. Get to know them first and make sure you get their number after.