isolation part 4-The quickening

The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves. In the last few weeks we have learned that furloughed workers are 'becoming addicted' to staying at home and getting paid for it. Whoda thunk it? Don't get too comfortable though because the yoga mat is about to pulled from under your flabby feet. We might actually have to go to work and earn our wages just when we've got used to mincing around in our pyjamas and having gin on our cornflakes. There are no set meal times anymore just one giant one at 3pm and nobody to tell you to change out of your pyjamas, have a shave or even brush your teeth. Halcyon days, dear furloughed reader, soon to be over. The human race will need decompression leave to adjust back into society. I want a fucking medal and a mention in dispatches for being trapped at home with two teenage girls, my husband and a flatulent dog. The horrors i have seen and smelt would give a lesser person PTCD-post traumatic covid disorder.
I've done my bit and stayed at home when other people have been laughing in the face of lockdown rules. There have been reports of these bellends having BBQ's and parties with their mates-don't get me wrong, a bbq very every meal is for winners-but it's because of these dickheads that the UK has the highest Covid 19 mortality rate in Europe. The government put restrictions in place to prevent the spread and the dregs of society chose to ignore them. By dregs i mean there are two categories here. Your typical chavalanche/wannabe gangsta and the rich. They are not so different it turns out. Both think rules don't apply to them. It pisses me off that i'm adhering to lockdown rules and trying to make the best of the situation and other folk do not give the smallest of fucks. I try to get my shopping online and delivered but supermarkets are not helping the situation. They are hiking their prices and the delivery cost up and some of the cheaper items (which you know exist) are no where to be seen online. The online service tells you 'item not available' when you fill your basket online but low and behold you go to said supermarket to buy the 'item not available' and there it is on the shelf laughing at you. It defeats the object if your'e forced to go out and buy the things they pretend they don't have. Especially if that item is pile cream or lube (don't ever get these two mixed up). On a recent trip to a supermarket to buy items that weren't delivered i noticed that less people are adhering to the 2 metre rule. I hold my breath when someone gets too close so i don't breathe in their potential germs. I went to Lidl and had to hold my breath so often i started seeing spots and almost blacked out!
A story in the news recently was that of a submarine commander who organised a BBQ for his submariners on their return to terra firma after 6 months of living at sea in very close proximity to each other. He received a right royal bollocking and was put on 'other duties' his career possibly in tatters. WTAF! His men and women were living in a metal phallus together for 6 months and then some twat posted a video of the BBQ return party. The media jumped all over it and he was disciplined. Doctors and nurses get to go home to their families with a possible risk of infection after they've done for the day-submariners don't. They only thing they fear is finding a mate's wank sock or being sunk by the Russians. Do me a fucking favour! This submarine commander is a hero not a villain and whoever posted this video is a glory hunting, disloyal, boil in the bag pork mannequin who must have been at the party themselves. As a result of this the Daily Mail are offering cash incentives to anyone who shops a member of the armed forces or emergency services seen not to be observing social distancing rules. Typical of the Daily Mail who are the shit on anyone's shoe. Well let this be known Daily Mail editor, i sleep with my soldier every night and we have definitely had sex more than once so shall i phone the hotline? He is not observing social distancing rules in our bedroom and neither am i you horrible bastards.
Me and the hubby have decided to try to keep fit during lockdown so most mornings we have been doing yoga with Adrienne followed by PE with Joe Wicks. The first day we felt fine but don't be deceived because the second and third day i'm sure i had flu in my legs and we were both walking like we'd shat ourselves. It's like stealth PE. We've also been taking our vitamins daily but so far have managed to not inject or ingest dettol as suggested by President Trump. Unbelievably within a 12 hour period of Trump announcing this 30 Americans rang 911 to say they had done it. The Darwin awards were tailor made for these tools . Trump is clearly an idiot so perhaps UK residents should cut Bo Jo and Chris walrus titty some slack. They are doing a great job in the circumstances.
Captain Tom walked his driveway umpteen times to raise money for the NHS and was made an  honorary  colonel by the Queen which was fantastic. A fine figure of a man putting the yoof to shame. Why then did Michael Ball decide to release a record with Captain Tom, the record of choice being 'you'll never walk alone'? For a start he was walking alone as is everyone abiding with the social distancing rules and the song was originally penned by 'Gerry and the pacemakers'. If 100 year old captain Tom doesn't already have a pacemaker fitted he might do soon.
It has been noticed in the past week or so that some folk have been timing their run or bike ride to coincide with the 'clap for carers at 8pm on a Thursday so they get a round of applause. It started off as a bit of a joke but now more people desperate for adulation are joining in. My theory here is nobody gives a shit anymore about giving out kudos on Strava so the fitness freaks have to get smoke blown up their toned arses somehow.
Other people who like to be told they are amazing are TV presenters. I think they are doing a great job but because most of them are presenting from their own homes we, the viewer, are seeing them without TV makeup (or pancake as it's known in the bizz). The true horror has been revealed. The mask has slipped and having a HD TV is now a curse for us and them.
Nobody seems to say 'hey did you see that thing on TV last night' anymore because there's nothing new to watch. It's all about the cleaning and gardening they've been doing because the whole of the internet and Netflix was watched in the first week of lockdown. Now i'm seeing comments and photos like 'my skirting boards have never been so clean' or 'cleaned my cooker today-looks like new'. What the hell were these people doing before? Living in their own filth? News flash people...you are supposed to keep your home clean and not just because you've got nothing better to do. Do your housework FFS you mucky bitches.
That's it for this week bloggettes. To conclude try to love thy neighbour (even that annoying chode across the street) because you're stuck with them for now. We'll all be allowed to play out nicely again soon but it'll be different. A bit like being the new kid at school. Remember patience is a virtue and a virtue is moral excellence.