pets

I am owned by a basset hound, two terriers, a belligerent cat, a hamster and some fish. I love them all with equal measure but sometimes i wonder who is in charge.
My hound is typical of the breed. Stubborn, greedy (loves a bin), smelly and a hound. He likes nothing better than to roll in a fresh fox turd resulting in a smell so revolting i have to hang my head out of the car window instead of him while he luxuriates in the back with his new doggy cologne. He will eat almost anything and is partial to fresh horse poo (the warmer the better) but will not touch fish. Typical of a basset, he loves to howl. I can hear it start like an air raid siren as soon as i pull onto the drive and it doesn't stop until i'm in the house. I suppose one of the good things about having a dog is that they are always pleased to see you no matter how long you've been away. The cat couldn't give any less of a shit. I can leave the house for 2 minutes or a week and i will get the same greeting from my dogs because they have no concept of time. Because i have three dogs it's always a battle of who can get to me first. The hound, being the biggest and currently weighing in at 4 stone of solid muscle, usually wins. I don't have a favourite dog because they're all so different. The hound is my boy and a bit of an arsehole at times but he adores my kids and would without a doubt lay down his life for them and me protecting us from any perceived foe. So far, this week, he has saved my life from the postman, another dog barking about three miles away in it's own garden and a wheelie bin i left down the bottom of my driveway. He has decided in his hound-like brain that he will only do as he's told for one person-me-and everyone else can go and fuck themselves. I am his pack leader.
My middle dog, a scruffy terrier cross, is my good dog. She is super loyal, very well behaved and i love her dearly. Her only real issue is that she's a total psychopath. She loves all humans and cats but despises all other dogs. It's a bit like taking a tasmanian devil for a walk.
My other dog is also a scruffy terrier cross with such long hair that sometimes it's hard to tell which end is which. People who've met her wrongly perceive her as a bit on the simple side but she is in actual fact an evil genius. She knows she's cute and uses it to her advantage. She'd make a great MI5 agent.
I recently employed a cat to catch mice as we live in the countryside. The cat has other ideas. She does not want to be a farm cat, roaming the countryside to her hearts content only returning to be fed and de-ticked. Nope. She wants to be carried around on a silken cushion and fed constantly. As far as cats go she's a bit rubbish but we love her so she stays.
My hamster, Jeff, is a legend. Super friendly, likes nuts and cucumber, tormenting the cat and watching bargain hunt on the tv. Hamsters are brilliant pets.
Why do we invite these animals into our homes when quite often they attempt to destroy it by chewing, clawing, digging, shitting on the carpet, pissing in slippers and stealing food. They often behave in such an irrational way that at times we despair and say things like 'never again' and 'how long do these live?'
We love our pets so much we will dress them up, buy them presents and mourn them when they die, but what makes us choose a specific animal to share our lives with? Some people have exotic pets like snakes and lizards, some go for rodents or birds, most folk will go for a dog or a cat and those amongst us who are slightly unhinged will have all of these. It's a companion thing. Lord Byron was told he couldn't keep a dog in his student digs so he kept a bear. A fucking bear!!! It's bad enough when i get home from work and my dog has tipped the kitchen bin over again but imagine if you got home to discover your pet had eaten your entire room and two of your children.
Pets can try your patience most days. A few days ago i was in a rush trying to get my teenagers ready to catch their school bus which they inevitably missed so i was forced to drive them to school in my pyjamas, dressing gown and slippers. There's nothing quite as spectacular than two petrified teenagers being driven to school by an angry mother in her nightwear ensemble at around 110mph then handbrake turning into the school car park. My youngest asked if i was the stig. Is it illegal to drive in slippers? I don't know. Anyway, i arrived back home to see my smallest terrier (the cute evil genius) running towards me when she saw the car pull up. Sweet. My middle dog, and good dog, was sat on the back door step. I quickly realised that in my haste herding my kids i had forgotten to lock the back door. The hound had jumped up at the door handle and let himself and the two terriers out. He was no where to be seen. After around 30 seconds of mild panic i heard him baying off in the distance somewhere. I turned around to see him about a quarter of a mile away tearing across a field towards some sheep. I shouted him, he acknowledged me, then turned to run in the opposite direction. Clearly having the time of his life he refused to come back. I had no option but climb the fence between my garden and the field and leg it, still in my nightwear, after him. I eventually caught him up and i was so out of breath i could actually taste blood. The best i could muster was a very feeble rugby tackle. It's amazing how fast you can run in slippers when you have to. All those years as a kid chasing the ice cream van paid off. Finally back home he ran straight into the house mud going everywhere. Oh joy. I dragged my disheveled self through the door only to notice that girlchild number 1 had left her packed lunch on the kitchen work top and the cat, who the dog had let in, was stood up there eating it. It was at that exact moment i caught sight of myself in the mirror, realised that not only had my pyjama top buttons had come off and a boob was hanging out but that i also had mud on my teeth. FFS!!! It's quite a look. 'Never again' 'How long do these live?'
I've come to the conclusion that my dogs and cat have no respect for me or my home and i am better suited to caged pets and not one's that roam around thinking they own the gaff.
I know at the start of this blog i said i don't have a favourite  pet but actually, and i'm not gonna lie, i do. Jeff the hamster. The fuckin legend.

dedicated to my aunty barbie who chose this week's topic.