Teenagers

I think i'm qualified to write about teenagers because i'm owned by not one but two. Like a lot of new parents i thought this one baby i have is really good so i think i'll have another. Little did i know girlchild number 2 would turn out to be a child with the mind of a 55 year old London cabbie. I also misguidedly had my second daughter 10 months after the first.
Now they are teenagers they make me use words i have only heard my dad use when he accidently put a garden fork through his foot on his allotment.
Absolutely everything i say to them is greeted with 'yeah...whatever...' which makes me want to put pins in my eyes.
They argue constantly punctuated only with eating everything in the fridge about 6 hours after i've done a full weekly shop, the drawing on of eyebrows, looking for a phone charger/wifi or telling me about some injustice they have suffered at school resulting in a detention or isolation (i dream of isolation) . I can only liken a teenager to getting a new puppy. At first they are cute, want lots of cuddles and smell lush then they turn into a big uncoordinated lump who hates everybody and smells like an old people's home. The only difference is that you have to keep your teenagers and telling their siblings or your parents that they have 'gone to live on a farm' is frowned upon. Also teenagers don't usually tip your kitchen bin over or chew your shoes. They just mock everything you wear by shrieking 'oh my God! are you actually going to wear that top outside?' or 'you just don't care about fashion.' Yes i am and no not really. 
The only time i have seen another human being have a complete meltdown because they had no wi-fi connection was my youngest teenager when for approximately 4 minutes her mobile phone (iphone) wouldn't connect. I mistakenly said 'oh, my mobile (cheap android) is fine' to which she retorted, and i quote verbatim, 'oh my god!!! that's because your phone doesn't care about wifi!!!' In that 4 minutes the world had ended for my youngest. Sodom and gomorrah? Pah! The taking of christ? Bollocks! Potential zombie infestation? Nowt! 'what fresh hell hath befallen me....actually, no , it's fine...it's back on'. FFS.
My eldest loves doing hair and makeup. Thinking, foolishly, i was helping her nurture her craft i offered myself up as model. The hair bit went well. Beautiful french braid. It looked amazing. My clever precious child. Then she did my makeup. I think the exact comment was 'mum, i'm used to working with young skin'. Well excuse me for taking part in the inevitable ageing process and just living and breathing air and....holy fuck balls...being a human lady who has raised a child with zero filter. I can almost hear my mum laughing into her horlicks and she lives 20 miles away.
When i was a teenager i used to head out after breakfast on my BMX with my mates and wouldn't be seen again until tea time. Summer holidays were the best ever. Kick the can, chasing each other with dog poo on a stick, fishing for sticklebacks, waiting by the landline for hours (always in the hall, why?) for a girl/boy you like to phone. Mobile phones didn't exist. When you were out you were out. Shit bust.
My teenagers would scoff at such an ideal because these days they don't have to wait for anything. The art of conversation is dead. Google and that siri asshole are to blame. 'Bike rides? what are they? Fishing? get a life mother. Old skool poo sticks? weirdo.' To be called a weirdo by someone who "hangs out" with their mates in their bedroom on a screen is rich to say the least.
Actually, hanging out with their mates virtually has it's pros-said mates are not in your home stinking the place out with teenage hormones and eating what's left in your fridge, cons-said mates are carried around the house like a demi god and are witness to you wearing a onesie, drinking gin at 5pm or even having a poo. Why is it ok now for your teenager to burst into your bathroom with their mates on facetube or youtime or instatwat or whatever and come out with random bollocks like 'mum, Sophie thinks i'd suit my hair in a bob. Can i have money for the hairdressers? Will you drive me into town. What is that smell?' A-i think a bob would suit you, B-no, save your pocket money, C-no, ask your dad, D why is sophie in my bathroom while i'm having a shit?
Don't get me wrong. Not all teenagers are self centered opinionated butt cracks. Some of them are alright. Their struggles and teenage angst aren't that different from ours. Fitting in, making real friends and getting through school are pretty much the same. Everybody has to go through that 7 years of strife to get to adulthood. It's hard and confusing at best but it forges future relationships and moulds us into people. Teenagering is tough.