Now before i start i do not claim to be a relationship expert. Infact, i think i'm the exact opposite-whatever that is. The only qualification i have is that i have had some relationships. I'm not very good at them. I've been married twice. My friends call me 't' yorkshire Elizabeth Taylor. I wouldn't mind but i'm Irish! In their defence i do live in North Yorkshire and have done for around 30 years. I left Ireland when i was 9 years old which, coincidentally, is when i discovered i could take off my kagool.
My past relationships have always been a bit fraught, mainly because i'm a nightmare to live with. I like a clean tidy home and the men i have allowed to move in with me have not.
I am diagnosed with OCD-the list making anal kind so a bit of an acquired taste. My OCD doesn't make me a bad person or want to iron my hair but it can be overwhelming for those that live with me-mainly my partner. My kids are used to it but my lovely fella is still coming to terms with the fact that he lives with a crazy lady who likes nothing better than a pube free plughole or perfectly drawn curtains. He has decided to give my OCD a name, i think he read it somewhere, and he'll say stupid shit like 'hey, there's no room for Kevin here today'. Fucking Kevin!!! Fuck Kev! He's a twat!
My parents have been married for nearly 50 years. They've been together since they were 15. Can you imagine that? In this day and age it's virtually unheard of. I think people expect to much from a partner these days. We're only human after all. The slightest hurdle, with some, and it's bail city. Dating apps don't help. They are a portal for the deluded and needy. They scream 'look at me. I may be on here looking for mr/mrs right now but i'm probably a bit of a shit'.
Call me old fashioned but i like a half decent chat up line. I'm not a fan of 'do you want a photo of my nob?' If there are any blokes reading this, just so you know, if you send us a dick pic we will show all of our friends, our mums, neighbours, zumba class. woman on the checkout at Asda and my nan. She doesn't get to see many willys these days. So you'd better make sure it's a good one.
Relationships are mostly good which is why we enter into them in the first place but i don't think you really know someone until you live with them. That's when the mask really slips and we have to have a poo at some point. My partner thinks it's perfectly acceptable to sit on the loo with the door open and have a conversation with me while he creates a smell that almost killed the dog and temporarily blinded me once. I don't. I want privacy and to be able to wipe my bum without an audience. Is that too much to ask?
Living together is a test for any couple. It can make or break you. Once you get used to the fact that your beloved has weird habits they will get over the fact that so do you. Habits like brushing teeth while taking a shower, using an unfeasible amount of loo roll, stopping breathing for a few seconds when asleep, talking to themselves after an argument or becoming a crack sniper when using a nail gun. My other half likes to go into the garage and cuddle his motorbike. I like to put my cold feet on him when i get into bed and twiddle his chest hair.
Relationships are a continuous work in progress. If your'e not prepared to work at it and take the rough with the smooth then maybe being with someone exclusively isn't for you.
Arguments and disagreements are common and help to release tension and are an amuse bouche to a relationship so these couples who tell folk they don't argue have probably just met or don't live together or have as much personality as a placenta. I've had some huge arguments with my fella over something ridiculous but my problem is i will NOT back down. Ever. Because i am right even when i'm wrong. He's a good egg though and in an effort to diffuse the situation he'll say 'okay'. Okay???!!! The only thing that enrages me more than 'ok' is being told to 'calm down'. when those two words are uttered, and i'm not convinced innocently by by the way, i will drag up old arguments from three years ago or ask him if he ever wants sex again. That usually wins. I say usually-i mean ALWAYS.
I once made the mistake of going on holiday with an ex as we had already paid for it before we split up. Thankfully we had separate beds but as soon as we set foot in the hotel we realised we had made a huge mistake thinking we could act like adults and enjoy the holiday regardless. We had a massive argument in the room and in a fit of frustration he threw my bed pillows over the balcony and they landed in the pool below. Not to be out done i launched his suitcase over the balcony where it proceeded to open mid air and scatter his clothes in trees, neighbouring balconies and the pool. End of argument. I think i won.
To conclude, anybody who is lucky enough to find 'the one' hold them close, respect them, love them because 'the one' is a chance encounter that you may never get again.
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