Friday, 24 April 2020
The observationist: Isolation part 3-the reckoning
The observationist: Isolation part 3-the reckoning: So here we are. Isolation part 3. Cabin fever is starting to set in and our grocery bills currently stand at £3000.86 per week. We've al...
Isolation part 3-the reckoning
So here we are. Isolation part 3. Cabin fever is starting to set in and our grocery bills currently stand at £3000.86 per week. We've almost become inert and the daily exercise routine has gone out of the window. We just can't be arsed. What is the point of even getting out of bed anyway or getting dressed? For those of you who have been furloughed or work from home it's important for your mental health and general well being that you try to adhere to some kind of a routine. Remember when you were at school and had six weeks summer holidays then when it was time to go back? We couldn't even write anymore. Imagine what that will be like in the adult work place. We'll be rocking up in our pyjamas at what ever time we like with a bottle of wine in our packed lunches. Sort it out now before it's too late.
I still see all sorts of folk "exercising" on a daily basis. People who've clearly never been for a run in their lives or been on a pushbike since Grifters and Choppers were in fashion. I saw a middle aged bloke out running the other day wearing, and i shit you not, jeans! I observed him for a few minutes just to make sure he wasn't just running to catch a bus or something. Nope. Definitely out for a run in his wranglers. He had a water bottle!
My hubby and i live in a little rural village with a population of around 200 people but since the lockdown restrictions were announced our village seems to have increased to 5000. the amount of people who drive to our village to go for a walk or a bike ride is mind boggling. Me and the hubby have taken to sitting out front in our little courtyard while the weather is nice with a glass of wine. We watch these hoards of people passing by and judge every last one of them. When these strangers realise they have reached the end of the village they turn round and walk back past our house to their cars. This way we get to judge them all over again and say 'hey, i didn't know i hated that about you'. Going by some of their uncoifferred barnets it looks like some of them have forgotten what year it is and seem to be stuck in a perpetual 1970's time warp which we all know is the decade taste forgot. Instead of shouting 'bugger off back to your own towns' me and the hubby do that very British thing of tutting then have another sip of wine.
If your'e struggling to find things to do to ease the boredom open your minds. you could iron your teabags, write a book about your life, crochet hats for pigeons or make your own clothes. I don't know about you, dear reader, but my kids have inconsiderately continued to grow and with no clothes shops open yet we are almost at the stage where i'm going to hark back to the good ol' days of make do and mend. The only difference now is i'm calling it 'make do and shut up'. Nobody's going to see it anyway. Online clothes shopping is ok sometimes but the stuff that turns up usually looks nothing like the glossy picture and wouldn't fit an emaciated stick man.
Another thing i have noticed over the past few weeks is this 'clap for carers' thing has got a bit out of hand, People are now trying to out do each other with various instruments. What the buggery is that all about? I saw a post on facetube the other day where one guy had set up a full drum kit on his driveway. A lovely old chap who may or may not live in my village (he does btw) started a few weeks ago by playing a tune on his wind instrument (not a euphemism, i just don't know what it is) while stood at the bottom of his driveway. It was nice and broke the monotony a little. This week he ramped it up a level and started setting up an amp, a microphone and some kind of backing music machine at 1930. He even had a fucking rehearsal! Then at 2000 he started playing to his captive audience but then, not to be out done, another neighbour joined in with a set of maracas like a geriatric Bez then another started singing! It's quickly escalated from 'clap for carers' to 'Britain's got talent' for christ sakes! My kids kept encouraging me to go out and start dancing but i managed to hold back despite having had a glass of wine or two. I was tempted to go out and do the robot or maybe even the worm down the road but i honestly don't think my back is up to it and i also don't think the village is ready for those kind of moves to be busted just yet. Maybe next week. Never say never...
To conclude this week's blog i'll leave you with something my often hilariously funny husband said after looking out of the window and seeing 'village got talent' unfolding. He said, and i quote verbatim "some of these fuckers are gonna need roadies soon"
I still see all sorts of folk "exercising" on a daily basis. People who've clearly never been for a run in their lives or been on a pushbike since Grifters and Choppers were in fashion. I saw a middle aged bloke out running the other day wearing, and i shit you not, jeans! I observed him for a few minutes just to make sure he wasn't just running to catch a bus or something. Nope. Definitely out for a run in his wranglers. He had a water bottle!
My hubby and i live in a little rural village with a population of around 200 people but since the lockdown restrictions were announced our village seems to have increased to 5000. the amount of people who drive to our village to go for a walk or a bike ride is mind boggling. Me and the hubby have taken to sitting out front in our little courtyard while the weather is nice with a glass of wine. We watch these hoards of people passing by and judge every last one of them. When these strangers realise they have reached the end of the village they turn round and walk back past our house to their cars. This way we get to judge them all over again and say 'hey, i didn't know i hated that about you'. Going by some of their uncoifferred barnets it looks like some of them have forgotten what year it is and seem to be stuck in a perpetual 1970's time warp which we all know is the decade taste forgot. Instead of shouting 'bugger off back to your own towns' me and the hubby do that very British thing of tutting then have another sip of wine.
If your'e struggling to find things to do to ease the boredom open your minds. you could iron your teabags, write a book about your life, crochet hats for pigeons or make your own clothes. I don't know about you, dear reader, but my kids have inconsiderately continued to grow and with no clothes shops open yet we are almost at the stage where i'm going to hark back to the good ol' days of make do and mend. The only difference now is i'm calling it 'make do and shut up'. Nobody's going to see it anyway. Online clothes shopping is ok sometimes but the stuff that turns up usually looks nothing like the glossy picture and wouldn't fit an emaciated stick man.
Another thing i have noticed over the past few weeks is this 'clap for carers' thing has got a bit out of hand, People are now trying to out do each other with various instruments. What the buggery is that all about? I saw a post on facetube the other day where one guy had set up a full drum kit on his driveway. A lovely old chap who may or may not live in my village (he does btw) started a few weeks ago by playing a tune on his wind instrument (not a euphemism, i just don't know what it is) while stood at the bottom of his driveway. It was nice and broke the monotony a little. This week he ramped it up a level and started setting up an amp, a microphone and some kind of backing music machine at 1930. He even had a fucking rehearsal! Then at 2000 he started playing to his captive audience but then, not to be out done, another neighbour joined in with a set of maracas like a geriatric Bez then another started singing! It's quickly escalated from 'clap for carers' to 'Britain's got talent' for christ sakes! My kids kept encouraging me to go out and start dancing but i managed to hold back despite having had a glass of wine or two. I was tempted to go out and do the robot or maybe even the worm down the road but i honestly don't think my back is up to it and i also don't think the village is ready for those kind of moves to be busted just yet. Maybe next week. Never say never...
To conclude this week's blog i'll leave you with something my often hilariously funny husband said after looking out of the window and seeing 'village got talent' unfolding. He said, and i quote verbatim "some of these fuckers are gonna need roadies soon"
Wednesday, 15 April 2020
The observationist: Isolation part deux
The observationist: Isolation part deux: We are coming up to week 4 of being quarantined in our own homes. Some people have started to lose the plot completely while others are quit...
Isolation part deux
We are coming up to week 4 of being quarantined in our own homes. Some people have started to lose the plot completely while others are quite happy to stay at home and find stuff to do. I'm a doer and can always find something to occupy myself, whether it be renovating my tatty garden furniture, cleaning, gardening, reading, trying to teach my dog to talk, you name it and i've done it. Everything that is apart from actual work. You see, i work from home anyway so i am the queen of procrastinating. My work mantra is 'the closer the deadline the cleaner the house'. The only difference now is my teenagers and my hubby are on lockdown with me. They don't consider my work WORK in the true sense. They seem to think they are staying at an all inclusive resort. My kids have started sleeping most of the day and becoming fridge raiders of the lost park by night. I get up on a morning and my kitchen resembles a crime scene-if that crime scene were one where every pan, plate and cup has been used and the fridge is now devoid of an entire month's supply of cheese and mini pepperamis. Occasionally they'll wander downstairs in the daylight blinking like pit ponies claiming they're hungry and asking what day it is. My hubby has binge watched every box set going and i'm sure his back skin has fused to the leather sofa. He has literally become part of the furniture. I've covered him in scatter cushions and next week i'm reupholstering him. He's currently half way through the Homeland series and it's on TV that often that i think i'm in it. I have pretty much become his carer.
There seems to be a lot of folk claiming to be 'key workers' A term that will come back to haunt us for years to come. Sure there's people out there doing their job and keeping the rest of the country ticking over for now but let me tell you, dear reader, i am a keyworker in my own home. I go out and forage for food (i mean shopping obviously), i walk the dogs, i clean, i do the washing, i home school, i feed my family AND i work from home. Does anyone stand at their gate and clap for me? No they fucking do not! Do i ask for plaudits or to not have to queue at the supermarket? Yes i fucking do! Do i get the latter? Of course i don't because it's what i signed up to do. I'm just working under slightly different conditions and i get on with it . I tried to protest by growing my leg hair but alas nobody has noticed my plight. Half man half sofa is busy watching 19 hours of TV a day when he's not out protecting the bell end sector of society from themselves (he's in the British army so the term 'frontline workers' has gone down a treat with him-NOT) and the vampire twins are too busy morphing into fridge snipers. I may grow a beard-that'll learn them!
Even though most of us are trying to maintain some sort of normality during this pandemic meal times seem to have gone out of the window. More often than not we are grazing throughout the day and having our tea/dinner/supper at 9pm. We are throwing random ingredients together like artichokes, prawn cocktail crisps, a full jar of lemon curd, a tube of canesten cream and making a stew which tastes disgusting but stops your fanny from itching. Beer bread is great if you can get hold of a bit of flour but can't find yeast or bicarbonate of soda. Plain or strong white is what you need. Mix around 10 ounces with half a can of a stout like guinness and throw in whatever you like. Chorizo, peppers and mushrooms are good but you can use anything. Mix it all up in a bowl, let it prove for an hour, grease a loaf tin and then bake for around 45 minutes at gas 5. Voila! Beer bread. Perfect still warm from the oven with a bit of cheese and a glass of wine. My sister gave me an excellent tip on how to make an open pie crust out of cous cous if you don't have any flour. I don't think anyone is panic buying cous cous yet because nobody really knows what it is. You make it as normal then let it thicken slightly. You then squash it into a pie tin and bake it in the oven the same as you would a pastry. Genius!
Another thing that seems to be hard to get hold of is cleaning products. I have a theory about this. Humour me, if you will. When the lock down was announced one of the rules was nobody visiting your home-even other family members-and the only people allowed in your house are people you are incarcerated with ( i mean live with). Therefore all of the posh folk who had a cleaner now have to do their own cleaning. Imagine the horror! Panic ensued and they all drove to the supermarkets in their Range Rovers and bought all of the cleaning products. They don't know what to do with them but they had to buy them all. They're probably bleaching their bichon frises right now and polishing their grass.
Because hairdressers have all closed the general population seem to be cultivating some amazing hair styles the likes of which haven't been seen since the 1970's. There are young lads shaving their heads everywhere. Christ knows why. They're totally missing a trick there. They should grow it instead so when they return to college or school they could form a metal band called 'fanny magnet' or 'Liquid shit and the purple pussys' or something. The women that claim to be natural blondes have roots longer than a dandelion and the bouffants round our way are getting so ridiculous that our bin men look like Ian Beale when he went missing.
In conclusion, we are all in the same boat so keep your powder dry. Nobody is better than you and you are not better than anyone else (apart from those twats who are still flouting the social distancing rules-these people should be made to clean the covid wards to see what their selfish actions are causing) Rock your mad hair do's, eat random meals at whatever time you like and wine o'clock is now officially 3pm.
There seems to be a lot of folk claiming to be 'key workers' A term that will come back to haunt us for years to come. Sure there's people out there doing their job and keeping the rest of the country ticking over for now but let me tell you, dear reader, i am a keyworker in my own home. I go out and forage for food (i mean shopping obviously), i walk the dogs, i clean, i do the washing, i home school, i feed my family AND i work from home. Does anyone stand at their gate and clap for me? No they fucking do not! Do i ask for plaudits or to not have to queue at the supermarket? Yes i fucking do! Do i get the latter? Of course i don't because it's what i signed up to do. I'm just working under slightly different conditions and i get on with it . I tried to protest by growing my leg hair but alas nobody has noticed my plight. Half man half sofa is busy watching 19 hours of TV a day when he's not out protecting the bell end sector of society from themselves (he's in the British army so the term 'frontline workers' has gone down a treat with him-NOT) and the vampire twins are too busy morphing into fridge snipers. I may grow a beard-that'll learn them!
Even though most of us are trying to maintain some sort of normality during this pandemic meal times seem to have gone out of the window. More often than not we are grazing throughout the day and having our tea/dinner/supper at 9pm. We are throwing random ingredients together like artichokes, prawn cocktail crisps, a full jar of lemon curd, a tube of canesten cream and making a stew which tastes disgusting but stops your fanny from itching. Beer bread is great if you can get hold of a bit of flour but can't find yeast or bicarbonate of soda. Plain or strong white is what you need. Mix around 10 ounces with half a can of a stout like guinness and throw in whatever you like. Chorizo, peppers and mushrooms are good but you can use anything. Mix it all up in a bowl, let it prove for an hour, grease a loaf tin and then bake for around 45 minutes at gas 5. Voila! Beer bread. Perfect still warm from the oven with a bit of cheese and a glass of wine. My sister gave me an excellent tip on how to make an open pie crust out of cous cous if you don't have any flour. I don't think anyone is panic buying cous cous yet because nobody really knows what it is. You make it as normal then let it thicken slightly. You then squash it into a pie tin and bake it in the oven the same as you would a pastry. Genius!
Another thing that seems to be hard to get hold of is cleaning products. I have a theory about this. Humour me, if you will. When the lock down was announced one of the rules was nobody visiting your home-even other family members-and the only people allowed in your house are people you are incarcerated with ( i mean live with). Therefore all of the posh folk who had a cleaner now have to do their own cleaning. Imagine the horror! Panic ensued and they all drove to the supermarkets in their Range Rovers and bought all of the cleaning products. They don't know what to do with them but they had to buy them all. They're probably bleaching their bichon frises right now and polishing their grass.
Because hairdressers have all closed the general population seem to be cultivating some amazing hair styles the likes of which haven't been seen since the 1970's. There are young lads shaving their heads everywhere. Christ knows why. They're totally missing a trick there. They should grow it instead so when they return to college or school they could form a metal band called 'fanny magnet' or 'Liquid shit and the purple pussys' or something. The women that claim to be natural blondes have roots longer than a dandelion and the bouffants round our way are getting so ridiculous that our bin men look like Ian Beale when he went missing.
In conclusion, we are all in the same boat so keep your powder dry. Nobody is better than you and you are not better than anyone else (apart from those twats who are still flouting the social distancing rules-these people should be made to clean the covid wards to see what their selfish actions are causing) Rock your mad hair do's, eat random meals at whatever time you like and wine o'clock is now officially 3pm.
Thursday, 2 April 2020
The observationist: Isolation part 1
The observationist: Isolation part 1: Isolation is a state of mind which has been forced upon us because of a horrible world wide pandemic. A killer virus that isn't picky ab...
Isolation part 1
Isolation is a state of mind which has been forced upon us because of a horrible world wide pandemic. A killer virus that isn't picky about who it takes. We know the risks we face by going out shopping or taking exercise and coming into contact with other humans. We have become our own worst enemy. Conspiracy theorists may claim biological warfare but as the virus is infecting people world wide i doubt anyone in any country has the energy to invade anywhere. My teenage kids barely have the energy to get up before 2pm so i suspect they've had the virus since they started puberty. Just in case though i've started learning Russian.
The two meter or 6ft apart rule when out and about is there for a reason but how do scientists know for sure that this is the optimum distance? Who worked that out and how? Was it something like 'ere Dave just stand 6 foot away from me and sneeze and see if it hits me in the face'. I like to think not but you never know...Even though supermarkets are making people stand in queues 2 metres apart once your'e in the supermarket it's really hard to adhere to. The aisles are only 2 metres wide so if you have to walk past someone on ,say, the bread aisle your'e screwed. Over the past week or so i have seen some ridiculous excuses for human beings. Full of their own self importance with no thought for anyone else. They glare at you over the top of their face masks in that weird passive aggressive way because you take longer than they would like to choose a tin of soup and they want to get past. It might be worth noting that the Czech republic have brought in a law that because of the shortage of face masks for doctors, nurses, police, army etc it is now a public offence for anyone to wear a mask who does not fall into the criteria. I suspect some folk wearing these are using the same mask more than once therefore probably infecting themselves anyway. Natural selection at it's finest. I don't like going to the supermarket at the best of times and even less so now but getting an online delivery slot is like finding the holy grail at the moment. I go because i have to feed my family. If it was up to me we'd eat one of our dogs but my kids aren't keen on the idea.
Being stuck at home with my two teens has actually been ok so far but it has only been 10 days. I'll report back in 6 weeks and let you know if i've started feeling a tad murdery. They're both being pretty well behaved and we've had no major meltdowns yet. I'm trying to find them a little thing to do each day to ease the boredom. Baking is proving popular, walking the dogs (so far we've still got three but it's really hard to find meat these days), making bird feeders. Every other evening we are, as a family, playing a board game, cards or dominoes with some music on and snacks. Also a popular choice. Competitive connect four is for winners! Cards against humanity is also a favourite. The best card combo we've had so far was (black card question) 'It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with...(white card answer) Jimmy Saville...
Because our holiday has been cancelled i've bought my girls a five foot paddling pool each. When it starts getting warm i'll put the pools up, get the sun loungers out and serve them both kids cocktails while i do some serious day time drinking-just like a real holiday. Who needs an inclusive holiday in Majorca anyway? ME! THAT'S WHO!!!!
I'm doing ok stuck at home because i can always find something to do but i am missing my family and friends terribly. In particular i'm missing my mum and dad. I've had the odd wobble and a bit of a cry (mostly in secret) because i feel compelled to drive to their house and give them a cuddle and i can't. There is no shame in that.We all have people we miss and can't visit. We do this to keep the people we love and ourselves safe. We isolate and distance ourselves because we are responsible for our own destiny now and we understand that adhering to this will slow down and eventually stop the spread of covid 19. It will at least give the scientists time to find a vaccine when they're not busy measuring optimum sneeze/cough/fart distances or trying to buy face masks off ebay.
Some people just don't seem to get it though do they? These people are what's commonly known as bell ends. There's village near me missing it's idiot because i keep seeing him whiz past my house on a tiny hairdryer motorbike with his chavalance girlfriend on the back. No helmets on their heads just a pair of helmets riding the bike. I do worry that the constant repetition of 'stay at home' is losing it's impact.
There are three groups of people who are living the dream under these conditions though. The hermits and the germaphobes are sat in their respective caves and bubble wrapped homes saying 'i bloody told you so' and the keyboard warriors. The latter must be having a field day. They can now sit at home on their computers or phones or whatever typing vile and bilious tripe knowing that whoever they piss off can't even find out where they live and knock on their doors.
Muggers are finding times tough because they have to combine their mugging with their hour of daily exercise and tell people to throw wallets or phones over to them from 2 meters away. It doesn't have the same impact and victims of mugging are no longer taking it seriously.
Dogging is an issue too. Also having to combine dogging with their hour daily exercise doggers are being forced to stick to their family groups, take their dogs with them and then try to hit a car windscreen with jizz from 6 foot away. Tough times.
The worst struck group by far, i think you'll agree, are the wombles. They are allowed to still pick up litter ,sure, but sadly no longer allowed to womble free. Poor bastards.
To conclude this blog stay at home, do that DIY you've been putting off for years, take up baking, learn a language, clean your car windscreens (just in case) and stop using so much loo roll. Two sheets is plenty.
The two meter or 6ft apart rule when out and about is there for a reason but how do scientists know for sure that this is the optimum distance? Who worked that out and how? Was it something like 'ere Dave just stand 6 foot away from me and sneeze and see if it hits me in the face'. I like to think not but you never know...Even though supermarkets are making people stand in queues 2 metres apart once your'e in the supermarket it's really hard to adhere to. The aisles are only 2 metres wide so if you have to walk past someone on ,say, the bread aisle your'e screwed. Over the past week or so i have seen some ridiculous excuses for human beings. Full of their own self importance with no thought for anyone else. They glare at you over the top of their face masks in that weird passive aggressive way because you take longer than they would like to choose a tin of soup and they want to get past. It might be worth noting that the Czech republic have brought in a law that because of the shortage of face masks for doctors, nurses, police, army etc it is now a public offence for anyone to wear a mask who does not fall into the criteria. I suspect some folk wearing these are using the same mask more than once therefore probably infecting themselves anyway. Natural selection at it's finest. I don't like going to the supermarket at the best of times and even less so now but getting an online delivery slot is like finding the holy grail at the moment. I go because i have to feed my family. If it was up to me we'd eat one of our dogs but my kids aren't keen on the idea.
Being stuck at home with my two teens has actually been ok so far but it has only been 10 days. I'll report back in 6 weeks and let you know if i've started feeling a tad murdery. They're both being pretty well behaved and we've had no major meltdowns yet. I'm trying to find them a little thing to do each day to ease the boredom. Baking is proving popular, walking the dogs (so far we've still got three but it's really hard to find meat these days), making bird feeders. Every other evening we are, as a family, playing a board game, cards or dominoes with some music on and snacks. Also a popular choice. Competitive connect four is for winners! Cards against humanity is also a favourite. The best card combo we've had so far was (black card question) 'It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with...(white card answer) Jimmy Saville...
Because our holiday has been cancelled i've bought my girls a five foot paddling pool each. When it starts getting warm i'll put the pools up, get the sun loungers out and serve them both kids cocktails while i do some serious day time drinking-just like a real holiday. Who needs an inclusive holiday in Majorca anyway? ME! THAT'S WHO!!!!
I'm doing ok stuck at home because i can always find something to do but i am missing my family and friends terribly. In particular i'm missing my mum and dad. I've had the odd wobble and a bit of a cry (mostly in secret) because i feel compelled to drive to their house and give them a cuddle and i can't. There is no shame in that.We all have people we miss and can't visit. We do this to keep the people we love and ourselves safe. We isolate and distance ourselves because we are responsible for our own destiny now and we understand that adhering to this will slow down and eventually stop the spread of covid 19. It will at least give the scientists time to find a vaccine when they're not busy measuring optimum sneeze/cough/fart distances or trying to buy face masks off ebay.
Some people just don't seem to get it though do they? These people are what's commonly known as bell ends. There's village near me missing it's idiot because i keep seeing him whiz past my house on a tiny hairdryer motorbike with his chavalance girlfriend on the back. No helmets on their heads just a pair of helmets riding the bike. I do worry that the constant repetition of 'stay at home' is losing it's impact.
There are three groups of people who are living the dream under these conditions though. The hermits and the germaphobes are sat in their respective caves and bubble wrapped homes saying 'i bloody told you so' and the keyboard warriors. The latter must be having a field day. They can now sit at home on their computers or phones or whatever typing vile and bilious tripe knowing that whoever they piss off can't even find out where they live and knock on their doors.
Muggers are finding times tough because they have to combine their mugging with their hour of daily exercise and tell people to throw wallets or phones over to them from 2 meters away. It doesn't have the same impact and victims of mugging are no longer taking it seriously.
Dogging is an issue too. Also having to combine dogging with their hour daily exercise doggers are being forced to stick to their family groups, take their dogs with them and then try to hit a car windscreen with jizz from 6 foot away. Tough times.
The worst struck group by far, i think you'll agree, are the wombles. They are allowed to still pick up litter ,sure, but sadly no longer allowed to womble free. Poor bastards.
To conclude this blog stay at home, do that DIY you've been putting off for years, take up baking, learn a language, clean your car windscreens (just in case) and stop using so much loo roll. Two sheets is plenty.
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