Isolation part deux

We are coming up to week 4 of being quarantined in our own homes. Some people have started to lose the plot completely while others are quite happy to stay at home and find stuff to do. I'm a doer and can always find something to occupy myself, whether it be renovating my tatty garden furniture, cleaning, gardening, reading, trying to teach my dog to talk, you name it and i've done it. Everything that is apart from actual work. You see, i work from home anyway so i am the queen of procrastinating. My work mantra is 'the closer the deadline the cleaner the house'. The only difference now is my teenagers and my hubby are on lockdown with me. They don't consider my work WORK in the true sense. They seem to think they are staying at an all inclusive resort. My kids have started sleeping most of the day and becoming fridge raiders of the lost park by night. I get up on a morning and my kitchen resembles a crime scene-if that crime scene were one where every pan, plate and cup has been used and the fridge is now devoid of an entire month's supply of cheese and mini pepperamis. Occasionally they'll wander downstairs in the daylight blinking like pit ponies claiming they're hungry and asking what day it is. My hubby has binge watched every box set going and i'm sure his back skin has fused to the leather sofa. He has literally become part of the furniture. I've covered him in scatter cushions and next week i'm reupholstering him. He's currently half way through the Homeland series and it's on TV that often that i think i'm in it. I have pretty much become his carer.
There seems to be a lot of folk claiming to be 'key workers' A term that will come back to haunt us for years to come. Sure there's people out there doing their job and keeping the rest of the country ticking over for now but let me tell you, dear reader, i am a keyworker in my own home. I go out and forage for food (i mean shopping obviously), i walk the dogs, i clean, i do the washing, i home school,  i feed my family AND i work from home. Does anyone stand at their gate and clap for me? No they fucking do not! Do i ask for plaudits or to not have to queue at the supermarket? Yes i fucking do! Do i get the latter? Of course i don't because it's what i signed up to do. I'm just working under slightly different conditions and i get on with it . I tried to protest by growing my leg hair but alas nobody has noticed my plight. Half man half sofa is busy watching 19 hours of TV a day when he's not out protecting the bell end sector of society from themselves (he's in the British army so the term 'frontline workers' has gone down a treat with him-NOT) and the vampire twins are too busy morphing into fridge snipers. I may grow a beard-that'll learn them!
Even though most of us are trying to maintain some sort of normality during this pandemic meal times seem to have gone out of the window. More often than not we are grazing throughout the day and having our tea/dinner/supper at 9pm. We are throwing random ingredients together like artichokes, prawn cocktail crisps, a full jar of lemon curd, a tube of canesten cream and making a stew which tastes disgusting but stops your fanny from itching. Beer bread is great if you can get hold of a bit of flour but can't find yeast or bicarbonate of soda. Plain or strong white is what you need. Mix around 10 ounces with half a can of a stout like guinness and throw in whatever you like. Chorizo, peppers and mushrooms are good but you can use anything. Mix it all up in a bowl, let it prove for an hour, grease a loaf tin and then bake for around 45 minutes at gas 5. Voila! Beer bread. Perfect still warm from the oven with a bit of cheese and a glass of wine. My sister gave me an excellent tip on how to make an open pie crust out of cous cous if you don't have any flour. I don't think anyone is panic buying cous cous yet  because nobody really knows what it is. You make it as normal then let it thicken slightly. You then squash it into a pie tin and bake it in the oven the same as you would a pastry. Genius!
Another thing that seems to be hard to get hold of is cleaning products. I have a theory about this. Humour me, if you will. When the lock down was announced one of the rules was nobody visiting your home-even other family members-and the only people allowed in your house are people you are incarcerated with ( i mean live with). Therefore all of the posh folk who had a cleaner now have to do their own cleaning. Imagine the horror! Panic ensued and they all drove to the supermarkets in their Range Rovers and bought all of the cleaning products. They don't know what to do with them but they had to buy them all. They're probably bleaching their bichon frises right now and polishing their grass.
Because hairdressers have all closed the general population seem to be cultivating some amazing hair styles the likes of which haven't been seen since the 1970's. There are young lads shaving their heads everywhere. Christ knows why. They're totally missing a trick there. They should grow it instead so when they return to college or school they could form a metal band called 'fanny magnet' or 'Liquid shit and the purple pussys' or something. The women that claim to be natural blondes have roots longer than a dandelion and the  bouffants round our way are getting so ridiculous that our bin men look like Ian Beale when he went missing.
In conclusion, we are all in the same boat so keep your powder dry. Nobody is better than you and you are not better than anyone else (apart from those twats who are still flouting the social distancing rules-these people should be made to clean the covid wards to see what their selfish actions are causing) Rock your mad hair do's, eat random meals at whatever time you like and wine o'clock is now officially 3pm.