Thursday, 28 May 2020
The observationist: Grandparents
The observationist: Grandparents: We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have ou...
Grandparents
We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have our kids for sleep overs occasionally to give us a 'break' but then punish us by filling them full of sugar, sweets and pop, let them go to bed when they want and fill their little heads with big ideas. Big ideas like little Joey can be an airline pilot if he wants to be or little Tiffany could be prime minister if she works hard at school. WRONG. little Joey was trying to suck a snail out of it's shell two days ago and little Tiffany thinks Frozen is a documentary. The sugar come down when they get back home is so horrendous that the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock and the bedtime routine is so fucked up that we have to use a tranquilizer dart just to get them down from the climbing frame and into their pyjamas. They are wound up so tightly they could have the king of all meltdowns at any second and go off like a sugar coated semtex filled pinata. Bastards!
My grandparents were brilliant. I used to have an absolute ball staying with them in their big victorian house by the sea side. I used to get up at daft o'clock and go to the newsagents with my grandad then walk back home to my nan cooking a full fry up with a fag hanging off her bottom lip. The smell of fried eggs with a side of fag ash still makes me smile and wish they were still alive today. Me and my grandad used to go the rocks at the beach and collect a bucket of winkles while waves crashed around us threatening to drag is out to sea. Unbelievably dangerous but i felt safe because my grandad was there.
You see, when you have grandparents it's not for long. Inevitably we all become members of an exclusive club we didn't sign up for. Life catches up with them and those lines on the face and creaky bones that tell a million stories far more interesting than ours are laid to rest. Their death is often the first one we encounter and the first loss of a loved one that actually makes your heart feel like it's going to break.
I was lucky enough to have grandparents, great grandparents AND a great great nan. By christ she was old! All of them used to tell me how poor they were as kids and how lucky i was. I'd roll my eyes, nod in agreement and then they'd give me a bit of pocket money and a whiskery kiss. Why do all nannas, nannys, nans, grannys-whatever you want to call them-have better moustaches and beards than an Irish folk band? Why does nobody say anything? It's either out of respect or fear of getting a clip around the ear hole.
My mum and dad are brilliant grandparents to three granddaughters. No grandsons much to my dad's dismay. It's not that he loves his granddaughters any less but having two daughters already a boy would be nice. He's outnumbered, outwitted and more often than not out of pocket. He does have one ace up his sleeve though. He's gone from embarrassing parent to the heady heights of embarrassing grandad. There is nothing this man won't do to show up his daughters but there's a whole new level now. It's not that he goes out of his way to show up his grandkids but he has actually recruited them in his quest to mortify their mums. Us. His poor bewildered offspring. He has taught my eldest daughter, who is to be fair a willing participant in such japery, to scare me at every opportunity. Jumping out of cupboards, wardrobes, from behind curtains and under tables. No where is safe. I'm pretty sure he's training her to be an assassin. To add insult to injury he gives his grandkids pocket money every month. Gives them it!!! Me and my sister had to do chores to earn our pocket money and they get it just because theyr'e cute and the apples of his eye. Where is the justice in that? I live with a mini Kato and grandad finds that hilarious. Just remember who gets to pick your nursing home dad. Nanny loves to spoil her grandkids and takes them all shopping for pretty much whatever their heart desires. If they weren't spending mine and my sister's inheritance i'd be happy for them.
Grandparents love to dish out unwanted advice on how to bring your kids up. Whatever you, as the parent, says or does the general response is 'you wouldn't have got away with that in my day'. Yeah well in your day we were allowed to travel in a car boot with no seat belt on while you smoked fags in the front, we were told to be seen but not heard and we got a good hiding if we gave an adult any lip. You show a kid a slipper or a belt these days the response would most likely be 'oh my god! your'e not wearing that are you?'. Be warned though, fruit of my loins, for one day i will be a grandparent to your kids where i will fill them full of e-numbers and big ideas and i will laugh in your face when you ask me to babysit. Me and the hubby are retiring to Greece so we still get to watch our grandchildren grow up but from far enough away so that they can't, at a moments notice be thrown out of a moving vehicle onto our lawn with an overnight bag.
Grandparents are brilliant, full of knowledge, love, kindness and great stories. They've lived a life that'd probably make your toes curl so when i'm a grandparent i'll relish it because i know i won't have long. I'll spoil them, teach them mad shit and we'll get into trouble together.
Long live grandparents.
My grandparents were brilliant. I used to have an absolute ball staying with them in their big victorian house by the sea side. I used to get up at daft o'clock and go to the newsagents with my grandad then walk back home to my nan cooking a full fry up with a fag hanging off her bottom lip. The smell of fried eggs with a side of fag ash still makes me smile and wish they were still alive today. Me and my grandad used to go the rocks at the beach and collect a bucket of winkles while waves crashed around us threatening to drag is out to sea. Unbelievably dangerous but i felt safe because my grandad was there.
You see, when you have grandparents it's not for long. Inevitably we all become members of an exclusive club we didn't sign up for. Life catches up with them and those lines on the face and creaky bones that tell a million stories far more interesting than ours are laid to rest. Their death is often the first one we encounter and the first loss of a loved one that actually makes your heart feel like it's going to break.
I was lucky enough to have grandparents, great grandparents AND a great great nan. By christ she was old! All of them used to tell me how poor they were as kids and how lucky i was. I'd roll my eyes, nod in agreement and then they'd give me a bit of pocket money and a whiskery kiss. Why do all nannas, nannys, nans, grannys-whatever you want to call them-have better moustaches and beards than an Irish folk band? Why does nobody say anything? It's either out of respect or fear of getting a clip around the ear hole.
My mum and dad are brilliant grandparents to three granddaughters. No grandsons much to my dad's dismay. It's not that he loves his granddaughters any less but having two daughters already a boy would be nice. He's outnumbered, outwitted and more often than not out of pocket. He does have one ace up his sleeve though. He's gone from embarrassing parent to the heady heights of embarrassing grandad. There is nothing this man won't do to show up his daughters but there's a whole new level now. It's not that he goes out of his way to show up his grandkids but he has actually recruited them in his quest to mortify their mums. Us. His poor bewildered offspring. He has taught my eldest daughter, who is to be fair a willing participant in such japery, to scare me at every opportunity. Jumping out of cupboards, wardrobes, from behind curtains and under tables. No where is safe. I'm pretty sure he's training her to be an assassin. To add insult to injury he gives his grandkids pocket money every month. Gives them it!!! Me and my sister had to do chores to earn our pocket money and they get it just because theyr'e cute and the apples of his eye. Where is the justice in that? I live with a mini Kato and grandad finds that hilarious. Just remember who gets to pick your nursing home dad. Nanny loves to spoil her grandkids and takes them all shopping for pretty much whatever their heart desires. If they weren't spending mine and my sister's inheritance i'd be happy for them.
Grandparents love to dish out unwanted advice on how to bring your kids up. Whatever you, as the parent, says or does the general response is 'you wouldn't have got away with that in my day'. Yeah well in your day we were allowed to travel in a car boot with no seat belt on while you smoked fags in the front, we were told to be seen but not heard and we got a good hiding if we gave an adult any lip. You show a kid a slipper or a belt these days the response would most likely be 'oh my god! your'e not wearing that are you?'. Be warned though, fruit of my loins, for one day i will be a grandparent to your kids where i will fill them full of e-numbers and big ideas and i will laugh in your face when you ask me to babysit. Me and the hubby are retiring to Greece so we still get to watch our grandchildren grow up but from far enough away so that they can't, at a moments notice be thrown out of a moving vehicle onto our lawn with an overnight bag.
Grandparents are brilliant, full of knowledge, love, kindness and great stories. They've lived a life that'd probably make your toes curl so when i'm a grandparent i'll relish it because i know i won't have long. I'll spoil them, teach them mad shit and we'll get into trouble together.
Long live grandparents.
Saturday, 9 May 2020
The observationist: isolation part 4-The quickening
The observationist: isolation part 4-The quickening: The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves...
isolation part 4-The quickening
The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves. In the last few weeks we have learned that furloughed workers are 'becoming addicted' to staying at home and getting paid for it. Whoda thunk it? Don't get too comfortable though because the yoga mat is about to pulled from under your flabby feet. We might actually have to go to work and earn our wages just when we've got used to mincing around in our pyjamas and having gin on our cornflakes. There are no set meal times anymore just one giant one at 3pm and nobody to tell you to change out of your pyjamas, have a shave or even brush your teeth. Halcyon days, dear furloughed reader, soon to be over. The human race will need decompression leave to adjust back into society. I want a fucking medal and a mention in dispatches for being trapped at home with two teenage girls, my husband and a flatulent dog. The horrors i have seen and smelt would give a lesser person PTCD-post traumatic covid disorder.
I've done my bit and stayed at home when other people have been laughing in the face of lockdown rules. There have been reports of these bellends having BBQ's and parties with their mates-don't get me wrong, a bbq very every meal is for winners-but it's because of these dickheads that the UK has the highest Covid 19 mortality rate in Europe. The government put restrictions in place to prevent the spread and the dregs of society chose to ignore them. By dregs i mean there are two categories here. Your typical chavalanche/wannabe gangsta and the rich. They are not so different it turns out. Both think rules don't apply to them. It pisses me off that i'm adhering to lockdown rules and trying to make the best of the situation and other folk do not give the smallest of fucks. I try to get my shopping online and delivered but supermarkets are not helping the situation. They are hiking their prices and the delivery cost up and some of the cheaper items (which you know exist) are no where to be seen online. The online service tells you 'item not available' when you fill your basket online but low and behold you go to said supermarket to buy the 'item not available' and there it is on the shelf laughing at you. It defeats the object if your'e forced to go out and buy the things they pretend they don't have. Especially if that item is pile cream or lube (don't ever get these two mixed up). On a recent trip to a supermarket to buy items that weren't delivered i noticed that less people are adhering to the 2 metre rule. I hold my breath when someone gets too close so i don't breathe in their potential germs. I went to Lidl and had to hold my breath so often i started seeing spots and almost blacked out!
A story in the news recently was that of a submarine commander who organised a BBQ for his submariners on their return to terra firma after 6 months of living at sea in very close proximity to each other. He received a right royal bollocking and was put on 'other duties' his career possibly in tatters. WTAF! His men and women were living in a metal phallus together for 6 months and then some twat posted a video of the BBQ return party. The media jumped all over it and he was disciplined. Doctors and nurses get to go home to their families with a possible risk of infection after they've done for the day-submariners don't. They only thing they fear is finding a mate's wank sock or being sunk by the Russians. Do me a fucking favour! This submarine commander is a hero not a villain and whoever posted this video is a glory hunting, disloyal, boil in the bag pork mannequin who must have been at the party themselves. As a result of this the Daily Mail are offering cash incentives to anyone who shops a member of the armed forces or emergency services seen not to be observing social distancing rules. Typical of the Daily Mail who are the shit on anyone's shoe. Well let this be known Daily Mail editor, i sleep with my soldier every night and we have definitely had sex more than once so shall i phone the hotline? He is not observing social distancing rules in our bedroom and neither am i you horrible bastards.
Me and the hubby have decided to try to keep fit during lockdown so most mornings we have been doing yoga with Adrienne followed by PE with Joe Wicks. The first day we felt fine but don't be deceived because the second and third day i'm sure i had flu in my legs and we were both walking like we'd shat ourselves. It's like stealth PE. We've also been taking our vitamins daily but so far have managed to not inject or ingest dettol as suggested by President Trump. Unbelievably within a 12 hour period of Trump announcing this 30 Americans rang 911 to say they had done it. The Darwin awards were tailor made for these tools . Trump is clearly an idiot so perhaps UK residents should cut Bo Jo and Chris walrus titty some slack. They are doing a great job in the circumstances.
Captain Tom walked his driveway umpteen times to raise money for the NHS and was made an honorary colonel by the Queen which was fantastic. A fine figure of a man putting the yoof to shame. Why then did Michael Ball decide to release a record with Captain Tom, the record of choice being 'you'll never walk alone'? For a start he was walking alone as is everyone abiding with the social distancing rules and the song was originally penned by 'Gerry and the pacemakers'. If 100 year old captain Tom doesn't already have a pacemaker fitted he might do soon.
It has been noticed in the past week or so that some folk have been timing their run or bike ride to coincide with the 'clap for carers at 8pm on a Thursday so they get a round of applause. It started off as a bit of a joke but now more people desperate for adulation are joining in. My theory here is nobody gives a shit anymore about giving out kudos on Strava so the fitness freaks have to get smoke blown up their toned arses somehow.
Other people who like to be told they are amazing are TV presenters. I think they are doing a great job but because most of them are presenting from their own homes we, the viewer, are seeing them without TV makeup (or pancake as it's known in the bizz). The true horror has been revealed. The mask has slipped and having a HD TV is now a curse for us and them.
Nobody seems to say 'hey did you see that thing on TV last night' anymore because there's nothing new to watch. It's all about the cleaning and gardening they've been doing because the whole of the internet and Netflix was watched in the first week of lockdown. Now i'm seeing comments and photos like 'my skirting boards have never been so clean' or 'cleaned my cooker today-looks like new'. What the hell were these people doing before? Living in their own filth? News flash people...you are supposed to keep your home clean and not just because you've got nothing better to do. Do your housework FFS you mucky bitches.
That's it for this week bloggettes. To conclude try to love thy neighbour (even that annoying chode across the street) because you're stuck with them for now. We'll all be allowed to play out nicely again soon but it'll be different. A bit like being the new kid at school. Remember patience is a virtue and a virtue is moral excellence.
I've done my bit and stayed at home when other people have been laughing in the face of lockdown rules. There have been reports of these bellends having BBQ's and parties with their mates-don't get me wrong, a bbq very every meal is for winners-but it's because of these dickheads that the UK has the highest Covid 19 mortality rate in Europe. The government put restrictions in place to prevent the spread and the dregs of society chose to ignore them. By dregs i mean there are two categories here. Your typical chavalanche/wannabe gangsta and the rich. They are not so different it turns out. Both think rules don't apply to them. It pisses me off that i'm adhering to lockdown rules and trying to make the best of the situation and other folk do not give the smallest of fucks. I try to get my shopping online and delivered but supermarkets are not helping the situation. They are hiking their prices and the delivery cost up and some of the cheaper items (which you know exist) are no where to be seen online. The online service tells you 'item not available' when you fill your basket online but low and behold you go to said supermarket to buy the 'item not available' and there it is on the shelf laughing at you. It defeats the object if your'e forced to go out and buy the things they pretend they don't have. Especially if that item is pile cream or lube (don't ever get these two mixed up). On a recent trip to a supermarket to buy items that weren't delivered i noticed that less people are adhering to the 2 metre rule. I hold my breath when someone gets too close so i don't breathe in their potential germs. I went to Lidl and had to hold my breath so often i started seeing spots and almost blacked out!
A story in the news recently was that of a submarine commander who organised a BBQ for his submariners on their return to terra firma after 6 months of living at sea in very close proximity to each other. He received a right royal bollocking and was put on 'other duties' his career possibly in tatters. WTAF! His men and women were living in a metal phallus together for 6 months and then some twat posted a video of the BBQ return party. The media jumped all over it and he was disciplined. Doctors and nurses get to go home to their families with a possible risk of infection after they've done for the day-submariners don't. They only thing they fear is finding a mate's wank sock or being sunk by the Russians. Do me a fucking favour! This submarine commander is a hero not a villain and whoever posted this video is a glory hunting, disloyal, boil in the bag pork mannequin who must have been at the party themselves. As a result of this the Daily Mail are offering cash incentives to anyone who shops a member of the armed forces or emergency services seen not to be observing social distancing rules. Typical of the Daily Mail who are the shit on anyone's shoe. Well let this be known Daily Mail editor, i sleep with my soldier every night and we have definitely had sex more than once so shall i phone the hotline? He is not observing social distancing rules in our bedroom and neither am i you horrible bastards.
Me and the hubby have decided to try to keep fit during lockdown so most mornings we have been doing yoga with Adrienne followed by PE with Joe Wicks. The first day we felt fine but don't be deceived because the second and third day i'm sure i had flu in my legs and we were both walking like we'd shat ourselves. It's like stealth PE. We've also been taking our vitamins daily but so far have managed to not inject or ingest dettol as suggested by President Trump. Unbelievably within a 12 hour period of Trump announcing this 30 Americans rang 911 to say they had done it. The Darwin awards were tailor made for these tools . Trump is clearly an idiot so perhaps UK residents should cut Bo Jo and Chris walrus titty some slack. They are doing a great job in the circumstances.
Captain Tom walked his driveway umpteen times to raise money for the NHS and was made an honorary colonel by the Queen which was fantastic. A fine figure of a man putting the yoof to shame. Why then did Michael Ball decide to release a record with Captain Tom, the record of choice being 'you'll never walk alone'? For a start he was walking alone as is everyone abiding with the social distancing rules and the song was originally penned by 'Gerry and the pacemakers'. If 100 year old captain Tom doesn't already have a pacemaker fitted he might do soon.
It has been noticed in the past week or so that some folk have been timing their run or bike ride to coincide with the 'clap for carers at 8pm on a Thursday so they get a round of applause. It started off as a bit of a joke but now more people desperate for adulation are joining in. My theory here is nobody gives a shit anymore about giving out kudos on Strava so the fitness freaks have to get smoke blown up their toned arses somehow.
Other people who like to be told they are amazing are TV presenters. I think they are doing a great job but because most of them are presenting from their own homes we, the viewer, are seeing them without TV makeup (or pancake as it's known in the bizz). The true horror has been revealed. The mask has slipped and having a HD TV is now a curse for us and them.
Nobody seems to say 'hey did you see that thing on TV last night' anymore because there's nothing new to watch. It's all about the cleaning and gardening they've been doing because the whole of the internet and Netflix was watched in the first week of lockdown. Now i'm seeing comments and photos like 'my skirting boards have never been so clean' or 'cleaned my cooker today-looks like new'. What the hell were these people doing before? Living in their own filth? News flash people...you are supposed to keep your home clean and not just because you've got nothing better to do. Do your housework FFS you mucky bitches.
That's it for this week bloggettes. To conclude try to love thy neighbour (even that annoying chode across the street) because you're stuck with them for now. We'll all be allowed to play out nicely again soon but it'll be different. A bit like being the new kid at school. Remember patience is a virtue and a virtue is moral excellence.
Friday, 1 May 2020
The observationist: Self grooming
The observationist: Self grooming: This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know ...
Self grooming
This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know how to tap into our insecurities. We are so tuned in to how we are supposed to look and feel that we believe that a certain product or procedure will help us achieve our goal. From hairstyles, anal bleaching, anti-wrinkle creams, tanning, chemical peels, exercise, threading, waxing and self help mantras, just about every avenue (and back alley ooh er missus) is covered. I went to get my eyebrows threaded once but changed my mind after i saw the woman (threader) threading another woman's fanny. It put me right off.
Iv'e never felt the urge to get my bum hole bleached and i'm not really sure why people get it done. I do subscribe to anti-wrinkle stuff though in the form of a thick layer of Nivea around my eyes, jaw line and neck before i go to bed. I swear by it. It's a good job my hubby-being very British-prefers sex with the light off because if he was to see me in my full Nivea glory he'd need anal bleaching because of the sheer horror.
I occasionally visit my local tanning emporium for a vitamin D boost. It's one of those upright ones where you go into a booth, strip off and then stand holding onto two straps that hang from the ceiling. The positions you have to get into to get the optimum tan coverage are unbelievable and, believe me, Russian gymnasts train for years to get that kind of posture and balance. For the ladies with boobs and a bum ( #blessed) the last thing you want is white creases either under the boob or where your bum cheek meets the top of your thigh. I reckon i'm a fully paid up and qualified contortionist with the positions i can get in to. For the fellas the under carriage is an issue. Do you cup the lad and nuts and lift them up running the risk of having a white stripe across your torso from your arm or do you tuck? Decisions decisions.
Exercise is a great way to keep you in shape and gyms are incredibly popular with a lot of people. If you don't mind looking at a stranger's sex face while you do weights then this is the place for you. I prefer the home gym method then nobody cares if i accidentally fart while doing sit ups or squats and nobody bats an eyelid if i eat a cake straight after planking- apart from the cat but she is very judgmental. I used to go running a lot but now my knees can't cope. My brain is saying "yeah! let's do this" but my fibula and patella are shouting "move away from those trainers lady! Not today!" .
I don't visit the hairdressers very often because i'm quite lucky in the hair department. I have naturally blonde way hair which grows really quickly. I usually go for a trim once a year. I've also achieved the ultimate dream of breeding a child who is about to start training as a hairdresser. Win win.
Self help books work for a lot of people but i don't buy into that guff. If i want to do something and somebody tells me i can't then naturally- i will. I don't need some sandal wearing, aluminium collecting, yogurt eating veggie telling me how to live my best life. That's my mum's job. She doesn't even have to say anything. She just gives me 'the look of disapproving doom' and i sort my shit out.
Makeup companies all tell us how amazing their product is and how beautiful you will look if you buy their brand but surely you can find something you like that suits your skin type under your own steam. You don't need someone telling you "maybe your'e born with it". In my opinion if you are indeed born with it then you don't need it. Also for the record i don't want "the London look". I live in 't' Yorkshire FFS!
Zumba, pilates and yoga are quite popular for a lot of women and some men but do we really need to be told to breathe? I mean, come on, if you need to be told to breathe you probably shouldn't be allowed to breed. You'll also be told to shake your money maker or be bent into positions that make the karma sutra look like a Janet and John book. Do we need this in our lives? I'm not sure we do but different strokes for different folks.
I don't fancy getting any part of my body waxed. How was this ever invented anyway? Did someone during a kinky sex game accidentally drop hot wax onto a hairy area, rip it off leaving a bald patch and think "hey! I'm onto something here". Call me old fashioned but if i went into a waxing salon and a lady who i didn't know asked me to hold a fanny lip open while she painted hot wax onto it then proceeded to rip out my pubes i'd be a tad mortified and quite possibly need counselling . The weird thing about waxing, according to a beautician friend of mine, is that you have to grow your body hair to a certain length so the wax can grip it and remove it from the root. So for around 3 weeks you have to walk around like captain caveman or like your'e giving Bob Marley a shoulder carry and wear tights thick enough so your compressed leg hair doesn't look like an ordnance survey map through the mesh. I recommend 200 denier or 'maths teacher strength'.
To conclude do whatever makes you feel good but never spend over £100 on an anti-wrinkle cream or have so much surgery you look like you've been ironed. Live your best life without some self help 'guru' telling you to 'enjoy the simpler things in life' and 'money isn't everything' while charging you £25.00 for their book and living in a beach house in California with the proceeds. Make exercise fun and never let a stranger wax your fanny. Get to know them first and make sure you get their number after.
Iv'e never felt the urge to get my bum hole bleached and i'm not really sure why people get it done. I do subscribe to anti-wrinkle stuff though in the form of a thick layer of Nivea around my eyes, jaw line and neck before i go to bed. I swear by it. It's a good job my hubby-being very British-prefers sex with the light off because if he was to see me in my full Nivea glory he'd need anal bleaching because of the sheer horror.
I occasionally visit my local tanning emporium for a vitamin D boost. It's one of those upright ones where you go into a booth, strip off and then stand holding onto two straps that hang from the ceiling. The positions you have to get into to get the optimum tan coverage are unbelievable and, believe me, Russian gymnasts train for years to get that kind of posture and balance. For the ladies with boobs and a bum ( #blessed) the last thing you want is white creases either under the boob or where your bum cheek meets the top of your thigh. I reckon i'm a fully paid up and qualified contortionist with the positions i can get in to. For the fellas the under carriage is an issue. Do you cup the lad and nuts and lift them up running the risk of having a white stripe across your torso from your arm or do you tuck? Decisions decisions.
Exercise is a great way to keep you in shape and gyms are incredibly popular with a lot of people. If you don't mind looking at a stranger's sex face while you do weights then this is the place for you. I prefer the home gym method then nobody cares if i accidentally fart while doing sit ups or squats and nobody bats an eyelid if i eat a cake straight after planking- apart from the cat but she is very judgmental. I used to go running a lot but now my knees can't cope. My brain is saying "yeah! let's do this" but my fibula and patella are shouting "move away from those trainers lady! Not today!" .
I don't visit the hairdressers very often because i'm quite lucky in the hair department. I have naturally blonde way hair which grows really quickly. I usually go for a trim once a year. I've also achieved the ultimate dream of breeding a child who is about to start training as a hairdresser. Win win.
Self help books work for a lot of people but i don't buy into that guff. If i want to do something and somebody tells me i can't then naturally- i will. I don't need some sandal wearing, aluminium collecting, yogurt eating veggie telling me how to live my best life. That's my mum's job. She doesn't even have to say anything. She just gives me 'the look of disapproving doom' and i sort my shit out.
Makeup companies all tell us how amazing their product is and how beautiful you will look if you buy their brand but surely you can find something you like that suits your skin type under your own steam. You don't need someone telling you "maybe your'e born with it". In my opinion if you are indeed born with it then you don't need it. Also for the record i don't want "the London look". I live in 't' Yorkshire FFS!
Zumba, pilates and yoga are quite popular for a lot of women and some men but do we really need to be told to breathe? I mean, come on, if you need to be told to breathe you probably shouldn't be allowed to breed. You'll also be told to shake your money maker or be bent into positions that make the karma sutra look like a Janet and John book. Do we need this in our lives? I'm not sure we do but different strokes for different folks.
I don't fancy getting any part of my body waxed. How was this ever invented anyway? Did someone during a kinky sex game accidentally drop hot wax onto a hairy area, rip it off leaving a bald patch and think "hey! I'm onto something here". Call me old fashioned but if i went into a waxing salon and a lady who i didn't know asked me to hold a fanny lip open while she painted hot wax onto it then proceeded to rip out my pubes i'd be a tad mortified and quite possibly need counselling . The weird thing about waxing, according to a beautician friend of mine, is that you have to grow your body hair to a certain length so the wax can grip it and remove it from the root. So for around 3 weeks you have to walk around like captain caveman or like your'e giving Bob Marley a shoulder carry and wear tights thick enough so your compressed leg hair doesn't look like an ordnance survey map through the mesh. I recommend 200 denier or 'maths teacher strength'.
To conclude do whatever makes you feel good but never spend over £100 on an anti-wrinkle cream or have so much surgery you look like you've been ironed. Live your best life without some self help 'guru' telling you to 'enjoy the simpler things in life' and 'money isn't everything' while charging you £25.00 for their book and living in a beach house in California with the proceeds. Make exercise fun and never let a stranger wax your fanny. Get to know them first and make sure you get their number after.
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