The observationist: Music

The observationist: Music:  If music be the food of love play on! said some bloke in tights and a wig. Music makes us feel and sometimes when we are least expecting it...

Music

 If music be the food of love play on! said some bloke in tights and a wig. Music makes us feel and sometimes when we are least expecting it. I challenge any of you to listen to the score from the film Schindler's list and not feel something. Most likely you'll feel a deep sadness and not because you've seen the film or understand it's meaning but because the music is designed that way.

I love thrash metal, rock, heavy metal, hip hop, rap and 70's disco music. Go figure. I also enjoy a bit of Scottish folk namely The Proclaimers and Gerry Cinnamon but if i'm asked who my favourite band or singer is i can't answer it. My music collection is so erratic i don't even have a favourite genre. One day i can be listening to Slaves and the next The Inspiral carpets. I like what i like and what i like moves me-that's why i listen to it. I was brought up on the Beatles and Mowtown which i still love but when i used to blast out Slayer or the Beastie Boys from my bedroom my dad used to shout upstairs 'what is this absolute shit!' What does he know? He only lived through the rock n' roll revolution, the 1960's and 70's disco.

I'm a sucker for a song with a story which is why i love the Eagles and Johnny Cash, but i also like a song with a catchy melody which is why i love Clean Bandit. In our teens we are hard wired to like one band and one band only. When i was a teenager most girls liked Wham! or Bros. I loved Frankie Goes To Hollywood. They were naughty and pushed the boundaries of common decency. In fact they took common decency, pulled it's pants down and gave it a good spanking. The DJ Mike Reid famously refused to play the song 'Relax' on BBC radio 1 which ultimately led to it being banned. The lyrics 'Relax don't do it when you wanna suck to it...Relax don't do it when you wanna cum' made our parent's toes curl. I loved it! I didn't have a clue what it meant, i just loved the song. My most treasured possession as a 12 year old was the vinyl gate fold sleeve of 'Welcome To The Pleasure dome'. FGTH's album. The artwork was hand drawn and so sexually explicit that i think i went temporarily blind examining the writhing interlocked naked bodies. I still love it now. I remember finding a vinyl copy of Electric Lady Land by the late great Jimi Hendrix hidden among Queen and Mike Oldfield. A teenage boys wet dream.

Wham! and Bros were always too beige for me and so were the kids that liked them. My best mate loved Madonna and i didn't really get it back then but now i'm a fan. Madonna was a trail blazer and showed young girls and boys that they didn't have to settle. Like a virgin is basically a song about a woman being fucked by a guy properly so she feels 'like a virgin' again. I've always found that one of the best genres of music to listen to make you feel heightened emotion is opera. Even if you don't understand the words being sung it's the way it can make you feel because of the sheer power and the pipes of an opera singer. May i recommend Madame Butterfly. It's both beautiful and tragic. If you don't like it or it's not for you that's ok too. One by Metallica makes me feel the same way so i won't judge you.

Music affects different people in different ways and a song can bring wonderful or painful memories back. It triggers something deep in your subconscious. I got married recently and the music we chose for our wedding meant something to us and always will. We didn't want hymns so we had songs we love instead. It was perfect for us and every time we hear thos songs now and forever it will remind us of our special day.

When my beloved Nan died she had Frank Sinatra's My way played at her funeral and i still can't listen.to it without missing her and tearing up. In stark contrast one of my best friends was killed while we were both serving in Bosnia and he had 'Going Underground' by the Jam played at his funeral and every time i hear that it makes me think of him and smile. It's all relative i guess.

For very different reasons i cant't listen to anything by Dr Hook because that used to be my mum and dad's 'sexy time' music and hearing it makes me shudder and do a little sick in my mouth.

My youngest daughter recently introduced me to the music of a young man by the name of Harry Styles of One Direction fame. Now i have to say, and i'm putting it out there, he is absolutely brilliant. His songs show a maturity way beyond his years. They are compassionate, melodic and show a depth so often forgotten in modern music. Even my husband reluctantly quite likes him. Judge if you like dear reader. We are all different and all kinds of music evoke feelings regardless of our backgrounds, upbringing or sexuality. Open your musical minds and don't let yourselves be hemmed in.

Our wedding playlist

Before bit

Marry You-Bruno Mars

Sunshine on Leith-The Proclaimers

Blackbird-The Beatles

You do something to me-Paul Weller

At last-Etta James

Entrance Music

Belter-Gerry Cinnamon

Inbetween bit

Falling-Harry Styles

Symphony-Clean Bandit

Make you feel my love-Adelle/Bob Dylan

Exit Music

Thankyou-Led Zeppelin

See...eclectic but all brilliant in their own right.

    

The observationist: Covid Christmas

The observationist: Covid Christmas:  A covid Christmas is undoubtedly going to be different to what we in the decadent West are used to for sure. The rules regarding seeing fam...

Covid Christmas

 A covid Christmas is undoubtedly going to be different to what we in the decadent West are used to for sure. The rules regarding seeing family and friends have changed more times than Kerry Katona's husbands. In England we are only allowed to mix with people in our Christmas bubble on Christmas day as long as we aren't in tier 4. According to this logic covid stays away on Christmas day and gives everyone the day off. People's holiday plans have been thrown into chaos as rules are changed and goalposts are moved thanks to a virus that kills.

The virus has started to mutate and some people seem surprised by this latest development. Virus's mutate in order to survive. They need a host and we are it. If we don't adhere to the rules which are put in place tp protect us by December 2021 the virus will have mutated so much it'll come around your house, sing you a carol and finger your Nan. Fact. Think of it this way, you don't have to invite Uncle nob head for Christmas dinner, you spend less money, you can start on the cocktails at 6am because you don't have to drive anywhere and nobody cares if you strip naked to watch the Queen's speech because you have the meat sweats-unless your'e on zoom then at least wear a party hat. I don't want anybody to be lonely at Christmas but let's face it, if you only get an invite somewhere or visitors at Christmas then you should probably re-evaluate your social circle.

Does Santa have to adhere to the social distancing rules because he can't work from home? If he had to isolate after visiting  every third household he'd still be delivering presents in 2060 and have a worse backlog than the royal mail. He'd have to isolate at home in the North Pole with the elves and Rudolf. It's doubtful he'd manage to get a Tesco delivery slot for beard wax and reindeer nuts. To help him out this year instead of leaving out a sherry and a mine pie we'll be leaving him out some hand sanitizer and a face mask.

The worst hit with the covid rules are not families and friends who can't see each other but small businesses. So many folk are losing their livelihoods and literally don't have a pot to piss in. A lot of small business owners are trying to adapt and diversify to keep money coming in. I absolutely applaud this and my family have been doing our bit to support these little fish. Some business owners do take liberties though such as some pubs and restaurants who offer take away food for the same price as if you were sitting in. If i paid £15.00 for a portion of fish and chips i'd expect it to drive itself to my house, bring a bottle of wine and give my husband a hand shandy.

In the past few weeks a vaccine has been rolled out which is an amazing feat of medical science. The first person to be innoculated was a 90 odd year old woman. Now while i understand the need to protect our elderly and vulnerable members of society but am i missing something here? The elderly and vulnerable are already isolating and mostly abiding to the stay at home guidance so are less likely to come into contact with someone who has the virus. Shouldn't we be vaccinating the so called 'super spreaders'? The youth have been getting the blame for spreading the virus and mostly being asymptomatic. Like it or not it's the youth who will re-populate the earth when the rest of us have been wiped out. 92 year old Miriam from Basildon is not going to contribute to the saving of the human race. Her eggs are long gone if not hard boiled. Worst case scenario, the virus could kill off everyone under the age of 70 once it's mutated into covid 25 then our earth would be reminiscent of the film cocoon or the living dead. Perhaps this is what happened to the dinosaurs.

All of you miserable Christmas hating bastards out there (my husband is one of them dear reader) must be living the dream right now because not only do you get to whinge about Christmas and it's capitalist pig mentality (oink oink) you also get to whinge that it's been ruined by your elected government and thanks to them you've now got less to whinge about. There's democracy for you. Your'e screwed if you do and your'e screwed if you don't. You Yuletide jaw wankers will still accept presents, however, hoover up Christmas lunch and alcohol. This Christmas could be the greatest victory of the bourgeoisie.. I'll bet even Marxists accepted the odd Christmas present but they won't have opened them until after dinner.

Happy Christmas everyone. Even you Uncle nob head and remember this year don't mingle with Chris Tingle. .   

The observationist: Covid Wedding

The observationist: Covid Wedding:  I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by n...

Covid Wedding

 I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by not being able to have a lavish do but it is a big plus. We can only invite 13 people under current government guidelines and it's been like Sophie's choice. The positives far outweigh the negatives. We have extra money to spend on prosecco and we don't have to invite uncle nob head. Obviously there are people we would like at the church and to share our day but to get around this we have set up zoom. I'm not having any bridesmaids but my dad is giving me away so he's double hatting as father of the bride and bridesmaid. I have asked him to wear a Laura Ashley number but he declined the dress. However he will still fight for the bouquet after and my money is on him. He's got hands like shovels.

The one negative that is perplexing me is  me-the bride-having to organise the very small reception by providing hand sanitizer, anti-bacterial wipes, disposable cutlery, plates ,cups and to make sure our guests are safe and feel safe. What i should be doing is making sure the bridesmaids aren't getting finger blasted by the best man or uncle nob head isn't flashing the in-laws. I should be planning my first dance music and looking forward to my honeymoon but instead i'm considering installing a sheep dip to dunk my guests just incase one of those smug as fuck asymptomatic dickheads turns up. 

We're not having a sit down meal after the main event. Instead we're ordering takeaway and we'll be having a few plastic cups of fizz. I haven't turned into a bridezilla and i'm trying to stay chilled out and take the restrictions in my stride because our wedding day is just that-OUR wedding day. We are getting married despite the pandemic and that is what's important in the grand scheme of things. I know a lot of couples have postponed their weddings until they can have a big fat gypsy affair but small is beautiful. It's actually costing couples more because bridesmaids and pageboys outgrow their already bought outfits, deposits are lost and when the day comes where big weddings are back on venues and planners will make a killing because of supply and demand. I understand some couples struggle to have a small do because of guest limitations or family politics or whatever but i'm from a huge family. We're both of Irish descent and largely catholic so i've got around 952 first cousins, 48 grandparents, 96 aunts and uncles, 3 mams and 1 dad. It is possible. Think of the money saved and it actually makes the family politics easier. You just say sorry you can't come...covid. I mean everyone else seems to use covid as an excuse to do fuck all and you'll never get that opportunity again. I don't want to put wedding planners out of a job but if you feel like you need one and you can't organise your own wedding without overpaid external help (remember planners do it for the money-not because they like you) then you've probably got too much money and i have no sympathy for you. Donate your planner money to Dogs trust or cancer research or the Royal British Legion. Use it for good instead of being so solipsistic and egomaniacal. If you think the venue and the koudos it brings defines your wedding then you need to think about why you are getting married and have a long hard look at your dark aura. Marriage is the joining together of two people not just to show off to your guests that your'e getting hitched on a far flung beach or in a castle with otters nipple vol au vents and a gin ice fountain carved to look like the Taj Mahal with a tiny train driving through the centre driven by a bush baby dressed like Elton John. I hope the Kardashians aren't reading this and get any ideas. Bush babies do not like dressing as rock icons.

A covid wedding is just as good, if not better, than a regular wedding. It's smaller and more intimate. Your guests are the people you love most in the world and they get to share this moment in history with you. In years to come me and my future husband will get to tell our grandkids of our big little day. We got married during the great covid pandemic because we wanted to. The only big deal that day was us becoming husband and wife. Small is beautiful.    

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness:  So heer we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protest...

Covid 19-the madness

 So here we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protests of the great unwashed and ill educated in major cities across the UK and the rest of the world there appears to be a spike in cases. Whoda thunk it? Those bell ends will no doubt be the first to whinge they're now having restrictions placed on their lives when they've absolutely no right to.The latest statistics show that there are more people in hospital with covid 19 now than there were at the start of the pandemic back in March. The rest of civilized society managed to socially distance, wear masks, sanitize their hands and not break into Primark to steal 900 pairs of black leggings and a boob tube. The rest of us, the majority, are now having to sow what those twats reaped.

Pubs are closing again but i personally haven't missed them. I got used to supermarket prices and home measures. The first time i went to a pub after the first lockdown and asked for a small white wine i almost burst out laughing when it was given to me. Not because of the pathetic size of it but because it cost almost the same as a full bottle from Aldi. I've decided to counteract this and make my own pub in the garage. My other half thinks i'm crazy because he doesn't possess the gift of 'vision'. He's not blind he's just no George Clark. He went along with my idea anyway and that's why i love him. You know your'e with the right person when they come along for a ride on the crazy train and let you be mental central ticket for two.. We now have our own pub complete with bar, stools, table, inflatable sofa, cheap booze and no closing time at 10pm. I've also turned our garden shed into my little escape zone. I have comfy chairs, a rug, books, cd player, prosecco, twinkly lights and a rage pillow. I have christened my girl cave 'The lady garden-shed'. Anyone can come and have a look at my lady garden. I can highly recommend. My trip advisor status would read 'very tidy lady garden, small tight area with a welcoming front hatch'. Five stars.

I think one of  the worst things about the whole lockdown process and limitations on our lives is the sheer boredom. My OCD has meant that i have been getting on my own nerves since March. I suppose i'm lucky that i have my daughters, my husband and my dogs that all think they live in an all inclusive resort. When clap for carers starts again they'd better all be outside clapping for me. Hence the rage pillow.

Boris's latest is placing England on a tier system. Low, medium, high and very high. I'm in a medium area but my parents are in a high zone so the only way i can see them in person is in an open outside space. My mum and dad are almost 70 years old so the last thing i want to do is meet them outside in the freezing cold winter where they could catch flu. Soon there'll be more tiers than a Kardashian wedding cake. Why doesn't the government just paint a big red cross on everyone's front door who tests positive and be done with it. Old skool plague outing rather than pissing about with different tiers and zones.

Pubs are closing again but gyms are staying open. WTAF? I have never been to a pub and been on the receiving end of a strangers' sweat in my eyes, nor have i ever stood at a bar and witnessed some blokes cum face while i've sipped on my pimms. If i wanted to see that kind of thing i'd become an MP. Hospitality has taken a real hammering these past few months and i doubt it will get back on track within the next 5 years or so. People are losing their jobs, their livelihoods, their homes and their minds. Just behave yourselves people. If your'e told to adhere to lockdown rules do it. Most recently Liverpool has been put in lockdown and in the very high category. Like good citizens there's been barely a grumble. Sure, it's shit but they get it. The scousers have got it right. Manchester, however is behaving like a collective Gallagher brother and strutting around demanding money with menaces from the government. Not all of them, granted, but the ones with voices who don't represent everyone. Everybody is in the same boat financially and mentally. That boat is not an all expenses paid cruise liner. It's a dodgy second hand canoe at best that looks set to capsize. Sir Keir Starmer who represents the working mans' party is treating the pandemic like a political point scoring exercise. It's easy to sit in your ivory tower and finger point when you've got a knighthood, money and a massive house. Sir Keir Starmer KCB QC MP describes himself as a socialist so he'd be alright for a sub. I wonder how he'd react if Dave from Barnsley who has lost his job and his house turned up at his palatial home and claimed collective or common ownership. The only letters Dave has after his name are CCJ.

It's simple people of the United Kingdom, do as your'e told or this pandemic will end in tiers.         

Pregnancy and Babies

From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 250 million to one chance and then there you are-up the duff, preggers, with child, in the pudding club, a bumpy jumper. Whatever you want to call it your life is about to change forever. If it's your first then Godspeed my friend. If it's your fourth or fifth-what the hell were you thinking? 

I have two kids because my first was an absolute dream. A common error with new parents. Now they are both teenagers i am the artist formally known as Nikky. A shadow of my former self. I have that haunted look about me. The look of 'i used to be somebody' or 'when will they leave home?' One day i'll be able to eat an ice cream to myself without having to hide in the shed and i'll know where my hair straighteners are at all times.

Pregnancy affects people in different ways. Some women suffer (and i mean SUFFER) with sickness. I had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout both of my pregnancies. I tried every remedy possible but nothing worked. The best bit was once i reached the 7 month stage my bladder gave up on me too. The joy of standing in a supermarket throwing up AND weeing yourself simultaneously is a real spectacle. At that point i didn't care. I'd just waddle back to my car and eat two full family sized bags of wine gums. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant as an army driver so getting in and out of trucks was an experience. I had to take a little step ladder with me. Also in true squaddie fashion every time i said i felt sick the lads used to put bets on for not only if i would  wee myself too but that said wee would be a 'double legger'. Sadly it often was. 

Some women do pregnancy really well and look amazing. Not me. I looked like an over inflated sex doll. My boobs looked like two woks in a hammock and my arse could be seen from space. Even my feet got fat. None of my shoes fit so the only things i could wear were a pair of mismatched flip flops. Mismatched because a) i couldn't see my feet and b) not one fuck was given. Pregnancy does not suit me.   

After incubating a little person for around 9 months a baby is born. Labour varies for everyone and any mid wife will tell you that no two births are the same. My first took 13 hours and my second just forty minutes. She was almost called M5 as i was travelling to Newport a the time. Her head was out by the time i got to the hospital and she'd wrecked the interior of my Ford Laguna. My midwife was a bloke called  Kevin who had the strongest Welsh accent i'd ever heard. He was from Swansea. He was absolutely fantastic and a lovely guy. I didn't poo myself (blessed) and i only swore around 11 times and Kevin was there for me every step of the way. However when Kevin told me there was no time for pain relief i grabbed him by his shirt lapelles pulled him to my face and growled 'there's always fucking time for pain relief Kevin!'. He was right, obviously. A friend of mine who went into labour a few weeks early couldn't get hold of her husband to take her to the hospital so we jumped in my car and i went in with her. I promised i'd stay with her until hubby got there. By the time he got there we were both off our heads on gas and air. He burst into the labour room and my drugged up mate shouted 'fwoooor! you look well fit in that shirt you sexy bastard!'. We asked him later on after the baby had been born (a little girl incase you were wondering) if he saw her coming out down 'the business end'. He said he had but it was like watching his favourite pub burn down. 

Once the trauma of birth is over with we bring home our bundles of joy. This helpless little person who can't look after themselves properly and who's only interested in the boobs...but enough about the dad...For the first time you are no longer the most important person in your life. This little dude needs you to nurture, protect and love him or her. If it's your first baby you go to town on buying all manner of baby stuff, 99% of which you will never use. You have everything from breast pumps to changing stations, nappy bins, activity mats, teddys, papooses and baby monitors. If it's your second or third they get the hand me downs from baby no.1. If it's your fourth or fifth or so on they're lucky if they get a changing mat and a pushchair because you've had to sell everything on ebay or mumsnet so you can afford to eat. Also your'e not as 'precious' with baby number three onwards. Your'e a seasoned parent now. An old sweat. A baby veteran. You should get a mention in dispatches at the very least. You could probably look after this one with your eyes shut which is just as well because you will be suffering with sleep deprivation and hallucinations the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock. You walk around in a dream like state not really knowing if you are alive or dead. Family and friends come round to see the new edition and pretend not to notice that your once tidy home looks like an IED has gone off in a talc and nappy factory.

Both of my girls were booby babies but breast feeding isn't for everyone-especially the dads.Ha! The first few weeks are incredibly painful and the nipple starts to resemble a battle ship rivet. If you can get through that first four weeks you've cracked it. Breast feeders occasionally have to express milk into a bottle so someone else can have a go feeding the baby and mum have a few hours off to cover her nipples in sudocrem and drink gin. Expressing is done, for the uninitiated, via a contraption called a breast pump. They can be hand or battery operated and come in all shapes and sizes. A suction cup is placed over the nipple and milk is extracted into a bottle. Obviously depending on how mjuch milk you produce depends on how much is 'harvested'. With my second daughter i made so much milk i used to donate the excess to the premature baby ward. For anyone who has witnessed the horror of either theirs or their partners nipple being vacuum stretched to around four inches you have my sympathies. It's possibly the weirdest thing i have ever seen and i have seen some weird shit. One of my babies was constantly on the boob until she was nearly 18 months old. I just couldn't get her off it. She was walking, had teeth and was using whole sentences by the time i weaned her off it. At one point i thought i'd have to go to her school at lunch time and poke my boob through the school fence! Still, i'm a firm believer in breast is best. My girls rarely get ill and have the most amazing teeth. I hope that one day when they have kids they'll follow suit. I also hope that their babies leave their boobs looking like an empty pyjama case too.

Nappy changing is always an issue with babies because they seem to poo stuff out that looks like radioactive algae and smells of evil. When you see a parent pick up a baby and sniff the back end make sure you stand well back and down wind preferably. This baby is about to go off! Run for the hills if that baby has been laying on their back and kicking their chubby little legs prior to a nappy change because you can guarantee it will be, what is technically known as, an 'up the back jobby'. One of mine and several of my friend's babies used to regularly do an 'up the back jobby' but not content with that they'd also get it up as far as their shoulder blades and in their hair too. In this instance the only measure available is to pick them up with a pair of industrial tongs and elbow length rubber gloves and put them in the bath. Wet wipes will not suffice.

Babies are brilliant whether their yours or someone else's.  Someone else's are slightly better because you can give them back when they cry or smell funny. Your baby is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid eyes on and is your absolute world forever. Once they start walking they have reached toddlerhood and that is a whole new level of fresh hell. Good luck to toddler wranglers everywhere. your'e going to need it.

Daddy's little angel by Jason A. Hodges

When you were born, you filled my heart with pride

And i was overcome by the joy i felt inside.

As i held you in my arms that very first day,

I knew i would never let any harm come your way.   

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies: From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 25...

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge:  People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call...

Covid Part 5-The revenge

NOTHING VAST ENTERS THE LIFE OF MORTALS WITHOUT A CURSE-SOPHACLES

 People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call it is still among us and some people still don't get it. I was out with my youngest daughter a few days ago and we both noted how many people were wearing masks either under their noses or not wearing them at all. The amount of folk wearing them under their noses was ridiculously high and people not wearing them at all was pleasingly low. We saw one old guy in front of us in the queue for the opticians at a well known supermarket, naming no names...ASDA chatting away to a member of staff. Nothing to see here you say-WRONG. He was wearing one of those blue and white paper ones which not only was the wrong way round (white side facing outwards) but was also under his nose and filthy dirty. I suspect he hadn't changed it for months. It's not like a pair of dirty underpants that you can turn inside out ffs! For those that don't wear a mask at all i understand that some folk have a genuine reason not to. Either they are under the age of 11 or have a hidden disability. My eldest daughter, aged 16, has a genuine hidden disability. She is profoundly deaf and she mainly relies on lip reading other people. This is impossible when wearing a mask. I was in another well known supermarket ( i have no loyalty when it comes to getting a good deal) who shall remain MORRISONS when i was trying to converse with her. I had my mask on and she couldn't lip read. I briefly pulled my mask down so she could see what i was saying and some old bag glared at me, tutted and told me to get my mask on. I did not approach said arsehole with a classy come back such as 'nob off you ignorant cock womble' because if i had my daughter would have asked what she had said and she would have been embarrassed.She is a self conscious teenager and does not want to draw attention to herself because of her disability. She doesn't have a clue what other mask wearers are saying but she struggles on using body language. She does not class herself as disabled and certainly won't let a pandemic out her. It seems to me that somebody who declares they have have a 'hidden disability' because their dog is gay or their nan is a vegan are just to get out of wearing a mask. The only hidden disability they have-which can't always be spotted by others-is that they are a cunt.My daughter copes so why can't they?

The mask is becoming something of a fashion statement at the moment with people making bespoke ones and selling them which is great because i love an entrepreneur. The one 'fashion statement' that really grips my shit is the hanging off one ear look. Why? Either take it off or put it on properly for fucks sake! You don't see dogs cutting about wearing masks. They sniff each others arseholes and piss on lamp posts then lick their owners faces. They just don't give a fuck! Dirty bastards. Man's best friend my arse. Maybe dogs realised a long time ago that wearing a mask after a pandemic has taken hold is about as effective as taking condoms to a baby shower. In the UK compulsory face coverings in any shop was only brought into effect 5 months after lockdown and a state of national emergency was declared. Since then the rate of infection has gone up. My theory here is that people have a false sense of security with their masks or face coverings and think it's now ok and safe to get closer to other people. The one and a half meter rule is still in effect because around 90% of masks/face coverings worn by people have zero effect on stopping a virus entering your body.The paper masks are the worst and if you take the time to read the packaging it actually tells you 'NOT FOR MEDICAL USE'. The material ones are even less effective. They just make people feel better. It;s the placebo effect.

When lockdown was eased in the UK 2 months ago and pubs re-opened some people went crazy. Rushing to book over seas holidays or staycations because 'they'd earnt it'. How exactly? By being furloughed and told to stay at home for 4 months? How is that earning a holiday? A holiday from what was basically a holiday. We had people getting on aeroplanes full of recycled air and other people's farts then whinging like someone who came last in a whinging competition because they were told to quarantine for 14 days on their return to blighty. People were crowding onto beaches in the UK in their thousands. It was dire. One idiot while being interviewed by a news reporter on one of the packed beaches actually told the interviewer that she thought it was disgusting so many people were crowding onto the beaches. The reporter pointed out that actually she was on the beach adding to the problem to which she replied 'well i've earnt a day at the beach. I've had to stay at home for 4 months' Dick. Don't get me wrong i love a holiday abroad as much as the next man and usually we go a few times a year but at no point did i think you know what, fuck it. Not only will i put myself and my kids at risk but also an entire nation just so i can have a holiday and lay on a sunlounger drinking sangria flashing my gusset at anyone who gets too close and showing my kids up on the karaoke. I'd love to go on holiday but mine and my families health will always come first. Selfish pricks.  

The government in it's infinite wisdom decided to open pubs and restaurants at the start of July. Their thinking behind this came from a good place.It was to help out the economic downturn in the hospitality industry. They even started a government funded 'eat out to help ot' scheme offering diners money off meals. The issue with this was the serious lack of common sense in the general population. People still got pissed and social distancing went out of the window. The track and trace system was and is a shambles as not all places are doing it despite it being the law. People are giving false names like Ivor Biggun or Andy Asswallet or one of my favourites spotted on a track and trace register at my local Mya Jigglyboobs. I reckon this is to stop spouses finding out where their partners actually are when they said they were going out for a loaf of bread. They'd rather keep their anonymity and possibly contract covid than admit they were down the Dog and Duck having 8 pints then fingering Karen behind the bins.

This eat out to help out scheme has become a victim of it's own success. Yes money was put back into the economy and hospitality staff kept their jobs but being offered cheap meals after 5 months at home  eating pasta and loo roll with home measures for breakfast lunch and tea has had an adverse effect. We are now a nation of fat alcoholics and the government is now telling us to lose weight or die from covid. Maybe it was all part of their master plan to weed out the chaf from the wheat. Mmmmm...wheat. When pubs first re-opened we were told that only 2 households at a time could sit together but that didn't work either. For example you go into a pub/bar to meet your besties whom you hadn't seen for 4 months. While you are waiting for their imminent arrival someone else you know comes in and starts chatting with you. This is all well and good until your besties turn up. Do you then say to the pretender to the throne 'right you fuck off because my mates are here'. It's a bit like speed friending. Unless the pub/bar staff know you personally how do they know who is from which household? Once again the government relied on people to do the right thing and follow the guidelines. No music was allowed in venues incase people had to shout over the noise or god forbid they burst into song. This would of course cause the possibility of spittal which carries the virus. Do me a favour! I'm still seeing footballers gob on the pitch so why is it such a big deal if Brian wants to sing along to eye of the tiger. He's not going to spit in anyone's face while singing. He's had a few pints and he's a happy sausage. Boris Johnson loves a slogan so why not try this one 'SAY IT DONT SPRAY IT'. Opening pubs and restaurants has been a double edged sword. Economy boosted-check, public happy (mostly)-check, rise in covid rate-check. what was the actual cost?

My kids (the little super spreaders) went back to school and college recently and we, as parents, were assured that it was safe-ish. Our little angels would be kept in their own little bubbles similar to our already established social bubbles. Cue a second wave as there are now more bubbles than a bottle of ALDI prosecco.

More people are asking for covid tests than ever before because of the onslaught of new cases. Some people will and are taking the piss. If you fancy two weeks off work (usually paid) then tell your boss you have a sore throat and are feeling a bit peaky. Most people who require tests are genuinely showing symptoms of covid but there are not enough to go round. The people that are really taking the piss are the ones who seem to think that their life is more important than anyone elses. I'm talking about so called 'key workers'. I do not mean farmers, NHS staff, care workers, any of the armed forces, lorry and delivery drivers or the emergency services here. I mean fat Brenda who works on the checkout 2 hours a week at some crappy supermarket. Fuck off Brenda. There are babies who need a test and the elderly  and the rest of the poor bastards who are genuinely ill. The world will not end if you can't serve the community for two hours a week. This particular demographic have delusions of grandeur and are showing no symptoms at all. They just think it's their god given right to make demands on an already over stretched NHS. They use their position to their own advantage. It's all about self preservation not about being unable to work. This group (who are a minority thank fuck) are more commonly known as t.w.a.t.s. abbv: Twats Without A Transferrable Skill. 

Covid 19 is similar to the postcode lottery. It's coming to a street near you!

Wash your hands, use the two metre rule, use common sense and stop being dicks.

SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT!!!! 

The observationist: Myths and Legends

The observationist: Myths and Legends: A few folk have suggested this topic recently so i'm going to give it a whirl. As far as i can see the difference between myth and lege...

Myths and Legends

A few folk have suggested this topic recently so i'm going to give it a whirl.
As far as i can see the difference between myth and legend is small. One is completely made up bollocks and the other is loosely based on some fact. A perfect example of distance lending enchantment to the view.
Two examples of this are...
Myth-size doesn't matter. Yes it fucking does. A lie perpetuated by men with tiny cocks. #sorrynotsorry
Legend-my dad. Fact. Sorry to other dads out there but mine is the best. He's got a mug and everything. Even if he did used tp play Tubular bells (theme to the exorcist) turned up to 11 while waiting for me in his Mazda 929 estate after school. "that's your dad that is" the other kids used to say. "yes, yes it is" i'd say. "legend" they'd say.
Myths are stories made up in every culture with the intention of providing explanations for stuff people don't understand. The word 'myth' comes from the Greek word 'mythos' meaning story. Greek mythology has stood the test of time and is the widest studied. A myth is a story that teaches a lesson. Ares, the Greek God of war was such a massive twat that his own parents, Zeus and Hera didn't like him.He even named his own sons Phobos (fear) and Deimos (terror). What does this teach us? Don't be a dick. Be more like Jason and bring back a golden fleece. Hero. Famous Greek mythological God or Goddess bellends are-Pandora, the reason that all evil exists in the world because she was a nosey bitch and opened the box. Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection, I know a few fellas like this but these days they are called hipsters or metrosexuals. Greek God good guys such as Zeus, Theseus and poor old Prometheus get overlooked because they were decent fellas with a moral compass.
Animal myths are really common and are often intricately woven into stories and our psyche. The phoenix who rises from the ashes when the old one dies, pegasus the white winged stallion and the most beautiful horse to never exist, the Loch Ness monster or Nessie has been reported as far back as 565 AD. I've been to Loch Ness a few times and the only magical creature i saw was a lone young mum with four kids under the age of 5. All behaving themselves! She was either a witch or just the best mum ever. The yeti and the bigfoot are other mythical beasts with various sightings but no hard evidence unless you count a giant yeti turd found in the mid 1970's. To be fair that could've  come from a bear hunter with a terrible diet. There are loads of others which are designed to instill fear such as the Jersey devil, sirens, the minotaur, chimera and the most badass of all- the dragon. One of my favourite mythical beasts is the Basilisk which, according to lore, can kill people with a single glance. Not unsimilar to my mum who has the best death stare in western civilization.
You may wonder why i've left out the beloved unicorn, Scotland's national animal. The reason for this is because unicorns a real. How can they be a countries national animal if they don't exist? You'll be telling me a haggis isn't an animal next. Think on!
Being of Irish heritage i also believe in leprechauns faeries and imps. At school in Ireland we were taught to fear the Banshee as to hear or see her meant imminent death. The Pooka was another one to watch out for. These are evil shapeshifting fairies. Farmers in Ireland leave a small amount of their harvest in the field to appease the Pooka. The Far Darrig is the leprechaun's evil twin who kidnap babies and replace them with Changelings. Changelings are hideous looking babies that feed on good fortune and love disasters. I've seen a few babies in my time who i have suspected of being Changelings. Not all babies are bonny. Fear Garta appear as walking corpses with protruding bones and deathly skinniness. You've probably seen them walking down catwalks at London fashion week. The Merrow live in the sea and while the females are amazingly beautiful and human-like the merrow men are described  as hideously ugly. So ugly in fact that their women leave the sea and become entrapped by horny good looking fishermen. The poor facially challenged bastards.
Legends are ambiguous in the way that sometimes they are completely made up but are also often based on some fact so nobody knows whether to believe them or not. They are not to be confused with John Legend-the singer. Incidentally his real name is John Roger Stephens. Does giving himself the showbiz surname of Legend mean he's a legend in his own right or head?
Legends often contain macabre or humourous elements. Examples of these include Bloody Mary. Saying her name in a mirror will make her appear then she'll chop your legs off or scoop out your eyes with a spoon and replace them with buttons off your dead grandmother's night dress...or something. The spider bite that will grow into a large infected lump under your skin where a million baby spiders burst out. the kidney heist where you wake up in a bath full of ice with a kidney missing. Houses built on ancient burial grounds, chain letters and the Slender man are but a few legends designed to put the willys up you but are probably completely fabricated....Probably...
Sweet dreams dear reader...or in the words of Jeff the killer..."go to sleep".   

The observationist: Grandparents

The observationist: Grandparents: We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have ou...

Grandparents

We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have our kids for sleep overs occasionally to give us a 'break' but then punish us by filling them full of sugar, sweets and pop, let them go to bed when they want and fill their little heads with big ideas. Big ideas like little Joey can be an airline pilot if he wants to be or little Tiffany could be prime minister if she works hard at school. WRONG. little Joey was trying to suck a snail out of it's shell two days ago and little Tiffany thinks Frozen is a documentary. The sugar come down when they get back home is so horrendous that the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock and the bedtime routine is so fucked up that we have to use a tranquilizer dart just to get them down from the climbing frame and into their pyjamas. They are wound up so tightly they could have the king of all meltdowns at any second and go off like a sugar coated semtex filled pinata. Bastards!
My grandparents were brilliant. I used to have an absolute ball staying with them in their big victorian house by the sea side. I used to get up at daft o'clock and go to the newsagents with my grandad then walk back home to my nan cooking a full fry up with a fag hanging off her bottom lip. The smell of fried eggs with a side of fag ash still makes me smile and wish they were still alive today. Me and my grandad used to go the rocks at the beach and collect a bucket of winkles while waves crashed around us threatening to drag is out to sea. Unbelievably dangerous but i felt safe because my grandad was there.
You see, when you have grandparents it's not for long. Inevitably we all become members of an exclusive club we didn't sign up for. Life catches up with them and those lines on the face and creaky bones that tell a million stories far more interesting than ours are laid to rest. Their death is often the first one we encounter and the first loss of a loved one that actually makes your heart feel like it's going to break.
I was lucky enough to have grandparents, great grandparents AND a great great nan. By christ she was old! All of them used to tell me how poor they were as kids and how lucky i was. I'd roll my eyes, nod in agreement and then they'd give me a bit of pocket money and a whiskery kiss. Why do all nannas, nannys, nans, grannys-whatever you want to call them-have better moustaches and beards than an Irish folk band? Why does nobody say anything? It's either out of respect or fear of getting a clip around the ear hole.
My mum and dad are brilliant grandparents to three granddaughters. No grandsons much to my dad's dismay. It's not that he loves his granddaughters any less but having two daughters already a boy would be nice. He's outnumbered, outwitted and more often than not out of pocket. He does have one ace up his sleeve though. He's gone from embarrassing parent to the heady heights of embarrassing grandad. There is nothing this man won't do to show up his daughters but there's a whole new level now. It's not that he goes out of his way to show up his grandkids but he has actually recruited them in his quest to mortify their mums. Us. His poor bewildered offspring. He has taught my eldest daughter, who is to be fair a willing participant in such japery, to scare me at every opportunity. Jumping out of cupboards, wardrobes, from behind curtains and under tables. No where is safe. I'm pretty sure he's training her to be an assassin. To add insult to injury he gives his grandkids pocket money every month. Gives them it!!! Me and my sister had to do chores to earn our pocket money and they get it just because theyr'e cute and the apples of his eye. Where is the justice in that? I live with a mini Kato and grandad finds that hilarious. Just remember who gets to pick your nursing home dad. Nanny loves to spoil her grandkids and takes them all shopping for pretty much whatever their heart desires. If they weren't spending mine and my sister's inheritance i'd be happy for them.
Grandparents love to dish out unwanted advice on how to bring your kids up. Whatever you, as the parent, says or does the general response is 'you wouldn't have got away with that in my day'. Yeah well in your day we were allowed to travel in a car boot with no seat belt on while you smoked fags in the front, we were told to be seen but not heard and we got a good hiding if we gave an adult any lip. You show a kid a slipper or a belt these days the response would most likely be 'oh my god! your'e not wearing that are you?'. Be warned though, fruit of my loins, for one day i will be a grandparent to your kids where i will fill them full of e-numbers and big ideas and i will laugh in your face when you ask me to babysit. Me and the hubby are retiring to Greece so we still get to watch our grandchildren grow up but from far enough away so that they can't, at a moments notice be thrown out of a moving vehicle onto our lawn with an overnight bag.
Grandparents are brilliant, full of knowledge, love, kindness and great stories. They've lived a life that'd probably make your toes curl so when i'm a grandparent i'll relish it because i know i won't have long. I'll spoil them, teach them mad shit and we'll get into trouble together.
Long live grandparents.

The observationist: isolation part 4-The quickening

The observationist: isolation part 4-The quickening: The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves...

isolation part 4-The quickening

The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves. In the last few weeks we have learned that furloughed workers are 'becoming addicted' to staying at home and getting paid for it. Whoda thunk it? Don't get too comfortable though because the yoga mat is about to pulled from under your flabby feet. We might actually have to go to work and earn our wages just when we've got used to mincing around in our pyjamas and having gin on our cornflakes. There are no set meal times anymore just one giant one at 3pm and nobody to tell you to change out of your pyjamas, have a shave or even brush your teeth. Halcyon days, dear furloughed reader, soon to be over. The human race will need decompression leave to adjust back into society. I want a fucking medal and a mention in dispatches for being trapped at home with two teenage girls, my husband and a flatulent dog. The horrors i have seen and smelt would give a lesser person PTCD-post traumatic covid disorder.
I've done my bit and stayed at home when other people have been laughing in the face of lockdown rules. There have been reports of these bellends having BBQ's and parties with their mates-don't get me wrong, a bbq very every meal is for winners-but it's because of these dickheads that the UK has the highest Covid 19 mortality rate in Europe. The government put restrictions in place to prevent the spread and the dregs of society chose to ignore them. By dregs i mean there are two categories here. Your typical chavalanche/wannabe gangsta and the rich. They are not so different it turns out. Both think rules don't apply to them. It pisses me off that i'm adhering to lockdown rules and trying to make the best of the situation and other folk do not give the smallest of fucks. I try to get my shopping online and delivered but supermarkets are not helping the situation. They are hiking their prices and the delivery cost up and some of the cheaper items (which you know exist) are no where to be seen online. The online service tells you 'item not available' when you fill your basket online but low and behold you go to said supermarket to buy the 'item not available' and there it is on the shelf laughing at you. It defeats the object if your'e forced to go out and buy the things they pretend they don't have. Especially if that item is pile cream or lube (don't ever get these two mixed up). On a recent trip to a supermarket to buy items that weren't delivered i noticed that less people are adhering to the 2 metre rule. I hold my breath when someone gets too close so i don't breathe in their potential germs. I went to Lidl and had to hold my breath so often i started seeing spots and almost blacked out!
A story in the news recently was that of a submarine commander who organised a BBQ for his submariners on their return to terra firma after 6 months of living at sea in very close proximity to each other. He received a right royal bollocking and was put on 'other duties' his career possibly in tatters. WTAF! His men and women were living in a metal phallus together for 6 months and then some twat posted a video of the BBQ return party. The media jumped all over it and he was disciplined. Doctors and nurses get to go home to their families with a possible risk of infection after they've done for the day-submariners don't. They only thing they fear is finding a mate's wank sock or being sunk by the Russians. Do me a fucking favour! This submarine commander is a hero not a villain and whoever posted this video is a glory hunting, disloyal, boil in the bag pork mannequin who must have been at the party themselves. As a result of this the Daily Mail are offering cash incentives to anyone who shops a member of the armed forces or emergency services seen not to be observing social distancing rules. Typical of the Daily Mail who are the shit on anyone's shoe. Well let this be known Daily Mail editor, i sleep with my soldier every night and we have definitely had sex more than once so shall i phone the hotline? He is not observing social distancing rules in our bedroom and neither am i you horrible bastards.
Me and the hubby have decided to try to keep fit during lockdown so most mornings we have been doing yoga with Adrienne followed by PE with Joe Wicks. The first day we felt fine but don't be deceived because the second and third day i'm sure i had flu in my legs and we were both walking like we'd shat ourselves. It's like stealth PE. We've also been taking our vitamins daily but so far have managed to not inject or ingest dettol as suggested by President Trump. Unbelievably within a 12 hour period of Trump announcing this 30 Americans rang 911 to say they had done it. The Darwin awards were tailor made for these tools . Trump is clearly an idiot so perhaps UK residents should cut Bo Jo and Chris walrus titty some slack. They are doing a great job in the circumstances.
Captain Tom walked his driveway umpteen times to raise money for the NHS and was made an  honorary  colonel by the Queen which was fantastic. A fine figure of a man putting the yoof to shame. Why then did Michael Ball decide to release a record with Captain Tom, the record of choice being 'you'll never walk alone'? For a start he was walking alone as is everyone abiding with the social distancing rules and the song was originally penned by 'Gerry and the pacemakers'. If 100 year old captain Tom doesn't already have a pacemaker fitted he might do soon.
It has been noticed in the past week or so that some folk have been timing their run or bike ride to coincide with the 'clap for carers at 8pm on a Thursday so they get a round of applause. It started off as a bit of a joke but now more people desperate for adulation are joining in. My theory here is nobody gives a shit anymore about giving out kudos on Strava so the fitness freaks have to get smoke blown up their toned arses somehow.
Other people who like to be told they are amazing are TV presenters. I think they are doing a great job but because most of them are presenting from their own homes we, the viewer, are seeing them without TV makeup (or pancake as it's known in the bizz). The true horror has been revealed. The mask has slipped and having a HD TV is now a curse for us and them.
Nobody seems to say 'hey did you see that thing on TV last night' anymore because there's nothing new to watch. It's all about the cleaning and gardening they've been doing because the whole of the internet and Netflix was watched in the first week of lockdown. Now i'm seeing comments and photos like 'my skirting boards have never been so clean' or 'cleaned my cooker today-looks like new'. What the hell were these people doing before? Living in their own filth? News flash people...you are supposed to keep your home clean and not just because you've got nothing better to do. Do your housework FFS you mucky bitches.
That's it for this week bloggettes. To conclude try to love thy neighbour (even that annoying chode across the street) because you're stuck with them for now. We'll all be allowed to play out nicely again soon but it'll be different. A bit like being the new kid at school. Remember patience is a virtue and a virtue is moral excellence.

The observationist: Self grooming

The observationist: Self grooming: This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know ...

Self grooming

This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know how to tap into our insecurities. We are so tuned in to how we are supposed to look and feel that we believe that a certain product or procedure will help us achieve our goal. From hairstyles, anal bleaching, anti-wrinkle creams, tanning, chemical peels, exercise, threading, waxing and self help mantras, just about every avenue (and back alley ooh er missus) is covered. I went to get my eyebrows threaded once but changed my mind after i saw the woman (threader) threading another woman's fanny. It put me right off.
Iv'e never felt the urge to get my bum hole bleached and i'm not really sure why people get it done. I do subscribe to anti-wrinkle stuff though in the form of a thick layer of Nivea around my eyes, jaw line and neck before i go to bed. I swear by it. It's a good job my hubby-being very British-prefers sex with the light off because if he was to see me in my full Nivea glory he'd need anal bleaching because of the sheer horror.
I occasionally visit my local tanning emporium for a vitamin D boost. It's one of those upright ones where you go into a booth, strip off and then stand holding onto two straps that hang from the ceiling. The positions you have to get into to get the optimum tan coverage are unbelievable and, believe me, Russian gymnasts train for years to get that kind of posture and balance. For the ladies with boobs and a bum ( #blessed) the last thing you want is white creases either under the boob or where your bum cheek meets the top of your thigh. I reckon i'm a fully paid up and qualified contortionist with the positions i can get in to. For the fellas the under carriage is an issue. Do you cup the lad and nuts and lift them up running the risk of having a white stripe across your torso from your arm or do you tuck? Decisions decisions.
Exercise is a great way to keep you in shape and gyms are incredibly popular with a lot of people. If you don't mind looking at a stranger's sex face while you do weights then this is the place for you. I prefer the home gym method then nobody cares if i accidentally fart while doing sit ups or squats and nobody bats an eyelid if i eat a cake straight after planking- apart from the cat but she is very judgmental. I used to go running a lot but now my knees can't cope. My brain is saying "yeah! let's do this" but my fibula and patella are shouting "move away from those trainers lady! Not today!" .
I don't visit the hairdressers very often because i'm quite lucky in the hair department. I have naturally blonde way hair which grows really quickly. I usually go for a trim once a year. I've also achieved the ultimate dream of breeding a child who is about to start training as a hairdresser. Win win.
Self help books work for a lot of people but i don't buy into that guff. If i want to do something and somebody tells me i can't then naturally- i will. I don't need some sandal wearing, aluminium collecting, yogurt eating veggie telling me how to live my best life. That's my mum's job. She doesn't even have to say anything. She just gives me 'the look of disapproving doom' and i sort my shit out.
Makeup companies all tell us how amazing their product is and how beautiful you will look if you buy their brand but surely you can find something you like that suits your skin type under your own steam. You don't need someone telling you "maybe your'e born with it". In my opinion if you are indeed born with it then you don't need it. Also for the record i don't want "the London look". I live in 't' Yorkshire FFS!
Zumba, pilates and yoga are quite popular for a lot of women and some men but do we really need to be told to breathe? I mean, come on, if you need to be told to breathe you probably shouldn't be allowed to breed. You'll also be told to shake your money maker or be bent into positions that make the karma sutra look like a Janet and John book. Do we need this in our lives? I'm not sure we do but different strokes for different folks.
I don't fancy getting any part of my body waxed. How was this ever invented anyway? Did someone during a kinky sex game accidentally drop hot wax onto a hairy area, rip it off leaving a bald patch and think "hey! I'm onto something here". Call me old fashioned but if i went into a waxing salon and a lady who i didn't know asked me to hold a fanny lip open while she painted hot wax onto it then proceeded to rip out my pubes i'd be a tad mortified and quite possibly need counselling . The weird thing about waxing, according to a beautician friend of mine, is that you have to grow your body hair to a certain length so the wax can grip it and remove it from the root. So for around 3 weeks you have to walk around like captain caveman or like your'e giving Bob Marley a shoulder carry and wear tights thick enough so your compressed leg hair doesn't look like an ordnance survey map through the mesh. I recommend 200 denier or 'maths teacher strength'.
To conclude do whatever makes you feel good but never spend over £100 on an anti-wrinkle cream or have so much surgery you look like you've been ironed. Live your best life without some self help 'guru' telling you to 'enjoy the simpler things in life' and 'money isn't everything' while charging you £25.00 for their book and living in a beach house in California with the proceeds. Make exercise fun and never let a stranger wax your fanny. Get to know them first and make sure you get their number after.