The observationist: Covid Christmas

The observationist: Covid Christmas:  A covid Christmas is undoubtedly going to be different to what we in the decadent West are used to for sure. The rules regarding seeing fam...

Covid Christmas

 A covid Christmas is undoubtedly going to be different to what we in the decadent West are used to for sure. The rules regarding seeing family and friends have changed more times than Kerry Katona's husbands. In England we are only allowed to mix with people in our Christmas bubble on Christmas day as long as we aren't in tier 4. According to this logic covid stays away on Christmas day and gives everyone the day off. People's holiday plans have been thrown into chaos as rules are changed and goalposts are moved thanks to a virus that kills.

The virus has started to mutate and some people seem surprised by this latest development. Virus's mutate in order to survive. They need a host and we are it. If we don't adhere to the rules which are put in place tp protect us by December 2021 the virus will have mutated so much it'll come around your house, sing you a carol and finger your Nan. Fact. Think of it this way, you don't have to invite Uncle nob head for Christmas dinner, you spend less money, you can start on the cocktails at 6am because you don't have to drive anywhere and nobody cares if you strip naked to watch the Queen's speech because you have the meat sweats-unless your'e on zoom then at least wear a party hat. I don't want anybody to be lonely at Christmas but let's face it, if you only get an invite somewhere or visitors at Christmas then you should probably re-evaluate your social circle.

Does Santa have to adhere to the social distancing rules because he can't work from home? If he had to isolate after visiting  every third household he'd still be delivering presents in 2060 and have a worse backlog than the royal mail. He'd have to isolate at home in the North Pole with the elves and Rudolf. It's doubtful he'd manage to get a Tesco delivery slot for beard wax and reindeer nuts. To help him out this year instead of leaving out a sherry and a mine pie we'll be leaving him out some hand sanitizer and a face mask.

The worst hit with the covid rules are not families and friends who can't see each other but small businesses. So many folk are losing their livelihoods and literally don't have a pot to piss in. A lot of small business owners are trying to adapt and diversify to keep money coming in. I absolutely applaud this and my family have been doing our bit to support these little fish. Some business owners do take liberties though such as some pubs and restaurants who offer take away food for the same price as if you were sitting in. If i paid £15.00 for a portion of fish and chips i'd expect it to drive itself to my house, bring a bottle of wine and give my husband a hand shandy.

In the past few weeks a vaccine has been rolled out which is an amazing feat of medical science. The first person to be innoculated was a 90 odd year old woman. Now while i understand the need to protect our elderly and vulnerable members of society but am i missing something here? The elderly and vulnerable are already isolating and mostly abiding to the stay at home guidance so are less likely to come into contact with someone who has the virus. Shouldn't we be vaccinating the so called 'super spreaders'? The youth have been getting the blame for spreading the virus and mostly being asymptomatic. Like it or not it's the youth who will re-populate the earth when the rest of us have been wiped out. 92 year old Miriam from Basildon is not going to contribute to the saving of the human race. Her eggs are long gone if not hard boiled. Worst case scenario, the virus could kill off everyone under the age of 70 once it's mutated into covid 25 then our earth would be reminiscent of the film cocoon or the living dead. Perhaps this is what happened to the dinosaurs.

All of you miserable Christmas hating bastards out there (my husband is one of them dear reader) must be living the dream right now because not only do you get to whinge about Christmas and it's capitalist pig mentality (oink oink) you also get to whinge that it's been ruined by your elected government and thanks to them you've now got less to whinge about. There's democracy for you. Your'e screwed if you do and your'e screwed if you don't. You Yuletide jaw wankers will still accept presents, however, hoover up Christmas lunch and alcohol. This Christmas could be the greatest victory of the bourgeoisie.. I'll bet even Marxists accepted the odd Christmas present but they won't have opened them until after dinner.

Happy Christmas everyone. Even you Uncle nob head and remember this year don't mingle with Chris Tingle. .   

The observationist: Covid Wedding

The observationist: Covid Wedding:  I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by n...

Covid Wedding

 I'm about to get married to the love of my life during the biggest pandemic in our lifetime. We're not doing  it to save money by not being able to have a lavish do but it is a big plus. We can only invite 13 people under current government guidelines and it's been like Sophie's choice. The positives far outweigh the negatives. We have extra money to spend on prosecco and we don't have to invite uncle nob head. Obviously there are people we would like at the church and to share our day but to get around this we have set up zoom. I'm not having any bridesmaids but my dad is giving me away so he's double hatting as father of the bride and bridesmaid. I have asked him to wear a Laura Ashley number but he declined the dress. However he will still fight for the bouquet after and my money is on him. He's got hands like shovels.

The one negative that is perplexing me is  me-the bride-having to organise the very small reception by providing hand sanitizer, anti-bacterial wipes, disposable cutlery, plates ,cups and to make sure our guests are safe and feel safe. What i should be doing is making sure the bridesmaids aren't getting finger blasted by the best man or uncle nob head isn't flashing the in-laws. I should be planning my first dance music and looking forward to my honeymoon but instead i'm considering installing a sheep dip to dunk my guests just incase one of those smug as fuck asymptomatic dickheads turns up. 

We're not having a sit down meal after the main event. Instead we're ordering takeaway and we'll be having a few plastic cups of fizz. I haven't turned into a bridezilla and i'm trying to stay chilled out and take the restrictions in my stride because our wedding day is just that-OUR wedding day. We are getting married despite the pandemic and that is what's important in the grand scheme of things. I know a lot of couples have postponed their weddings until they can have a big fat gypsy affair but small is beautiful. It's actually costing couples more because bridesmaids and pageboys outgrow their already bought outfits, deposits are lost and when the day comes where big weddings are back on venues and planners will make a killing because of supply and demand. I understand some couples struggle to have a small do because of guest limitations or family politics or whatever but i'm from a huge family. We're both of Irish descent and largely catholic so i've got around 952 first cousins, 48 grandparents, 96 aunts and uncles, 3 mams and 1 dad. It is possible. Think of the money saved and it actually makes the family politics easier. You just say sorry you can't come...covid. I mean everyone else seems to use covid as an excuse to do fuck all and you'll never get that opportunity again. I don't want to put wedding planners out of a job but if you feel like you need one and you can't organise your own wedding without overpaid external help (remember planners do it for the money-not because they like you) then you've probably got too much money and i have no sympathy for you. Donate your planner money to Dogs trust or cancer research or the Royal British Legion. Use it for good instead of being so solipsistic and egomaniacal. If you think the venue and the koudos it brings defines your wedding then you need to think about why you are getting married and have a long hard look at your dark aura. Marriage is the joining together of two people not just to show off to your guests that your'e getting hitched on a far flung beach or in a castle with otters nipple vol au vents and a gin ice fountain carved to look like the Taj Mahal with a tiny train driving through the centre driven by a bush baby dressed like Elton John. I hope the Kardashians aren't reading this and get any ideas. Bush babies do not like dressing as rock icons.

A covid wedding is just as good, if not better, than a regular wedding. It's smaller and more intimate. Your guests are the people you love most in the world and they get to share this moment in history with you. In years to come me and my future husband will get to tell our grandkids of our big little day. We got married during the great covid pandemic because we wanted to. The only big deal that day was us becoming husband and wife. Small is beautiful.    

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness

The observationist: Covid 19-the madness:  So heer we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protest...

Covid 19-the madness

 So here we are almost a year in since we first heard about covid 19 and we don't seem to be any further forward. After the mass protests of the great unwashed and ill educated in major cities across the UK and the rest of the world there appears to be a spike in cases. Whoda thunk it? Those bell ends will no doubt be the first to whinge they're now having restrictions placed on their lives when they've absolutely no right to.The latest statistics show that there are more people in hospital with covid 19 now than there were at the start of the pandemic back in March. The rest of civilized society managed to socially distance, wear masks, sanitize their hands and not break into Primark to steal 900 pairs of black leggings and a boob tube. The rest of us, the majority, are now having to sow what those twats reaped.

Pubs are closing again but i personally haven't missed them. I got used to supermarket prices and home measures. The first time i went to a pub after the first lockdown and asked for a small white wine i almost burst out laughing when it was given to me. Not because of the pathetic size of it but because it cost almost the same as a full bottle from Aldi. I've decided to counteract this and make my own pub in the garage. My other half thinks i'm crazy because he doesn't possess the gift of 'vision'. He's not blind he's just no George Clark. He went along with my idea anyway and that's why i love him. You know your'e with the right person when they come along for a ride on the crazy train and let you be mental central ticket for two.. We now have our own pub complete with bar, stools, table, inflatable sofa, cheap booze and no closing time at 10pm. I've also turned our garden shed into my little escape zone. I have comfy chairs, a rug, books, cd player, prosecco, twinkly lights and a rage pillow. I have christened my girl cave 'The lady garden-shed'. Anyone can come and have a look at my lady garden. I can highly recommend. My trip advisor status would read 'very tidy lady garden, small tight area with a welcoming front hatch'. Five stars.

I think one of  the worst things about the whole lockdown process and limitations on our lives is the sheer boredom. My OCD has meant that i have been getting on my own nerves since March. I suppose i'm lucky that i have my daughters, my husband and my dogs that all think they live in an all inclusive resort. When clap for carers starts again they'd better all be outside clapping for me. Hence the rage pillow.

Boris's latest is placing England on a tier system. Low, medium, high and very high. I'm in a medium area but my parents are in a high zone so the only way i can see them in person is in an open outside space. My mum and dad are almost 70 years old so the last thing i want to do is meet them outside in the freezing cold winter where they could catch flu. Soon there'll be more tiers than a Kardashian wedding cake. Why doesn't the government just paint a big red cross on everyone's front door who tests positive and be done with it. Old skool plague outing rather than pissing about with different tiers and zones.

Pubs are closing again but gyms are staying open. WTAF? I have never been to a pub and been on the receiving end of a strangers' sweat in my eyes, nor have i ever stood at a bar and witnessed some blokes cum face while i've sipped on my pimms. If i wanted to see that kind of thing i'd become an MP. Hospitality has taken a real hammering these past few months and i doubt it will get back on track within the next 5 years or so. People are losing their jobs, their livelihoods, their homes and their minds. Just behave yourselves people. If your'e told to adhere to lockdown rules do it. Most recently Liverpool has been put in lockdown and in the very high category. Like good citizens there's been barely a grumble. Sure, it's shit but they get it. The scousers have got it right. Manchester, however is behaving like a collective Gallagher brother and strutting around demanding money with menaces from the government. Not all of them, granted, but the ones with voices who don't represent everyone. Everybody is in the same boat financially and mentally. That boat is not an all expenses paid cruise liner. It's a dodgy second hand canoe at best that looks set to capsize. Sir Keir Starmer who represents the working mans' party is treating the pandemic like a political point scoring exercise. It's easy to sit in your ivory tower and finger point when you've got a knighthood, money and a massive house. Sir Keir Starmer KCB QC MP describes himself as a socialist so he'd be alright for a sub. I wonder how he'd react if Dave from Barnsley who has lost his job and his house turned up at his palatial home and claimed collective or common ownership. The only letters Dave has after his name are CCJ.

It's simple people of the United Kingdom, do as your'e told or this pandemic will end in tiers.         

Pregnancy and Babies

From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 250 million to one chance and then there you are-up the duff, preggers, with child, in the pudding club, a bumpy jumper. Whatever you want to call it your life is about to change forever. If it's your first then Godspeed my friend. If it's your fourth or fifth-what the hell were you thinking? 

I have two kids because my first was an absolute dream. A common error with new parents. Now they are both teenagers i am the artist formally known as Nikky. A shadow of my former self. I have that haunted look about me. The look of 'i used to be somebody' or 'when will they leave home?' One day i'll be able to eat an ice cream to myself without having to hide in the shed and i'll know where my hair straighteners are at all times.

Pregnancy affects people in different ways. Some women suffer (and i mean SUFFER) with sickness. I had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout both of my pregnancies. I tried every remedy possible but nothing worked. The best bit was once i reached the 7 month stage my bladder gave up on me too. The joy of standing in a supermarket throwing up AND weeing yourself simultaneously is a real spectacle. At that point i didn't care. I'd just waddle back to my car and eat two full family sized bags of wine gums. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant as an army driver so getting in and out of trucks was an experience. I had to take a little step ladder with me. Also in true squaddie fashion every time i said i felt sick the lads used to put bets on for not only if i would  wee myself too but that said wee would be a 'double legger'. Sadly it often was. 

Some women do pregnancy really well and look amazing. Not me. I looked like an over inflated sex doll. My boobs looked like two woks in a hammock and my arse could be seen from space. Even my feet got fat. None of my shoes fit so the only things i could wear were a pair of mismatched flip flops. Mismatched because a) i couldn't see my feet and b) not one fuck was given. Pregnancy does not suit me.   

After incubating a little person for around 9 months a baby is born. Labour varies for everyone and any mid wife will tell you that no two births are the same. My first took 13 hours and my second just forty minutes. She was almost called M5 as i was travelling to Newport a the time. Her head was out by the time i got to the hospital and she'd wrecked the interior of my Ford Laguna. My midwife was a bloke called  Kevin who had the strongest Welsh accent i'd ever heard. He was from Swansea. He was absolutely fantastic and a lovely guy. I didn't poo myself (blessed) and i only swore around 11 times and Kevin was there for me every step of the way. However when Kevin told me there was no time for pain relief i grabbed him by his shirt lapelles pulled him to my face and growled 'there's always fucking time for pain relief Kevin!'. He was right, obviously. A friend of mine who went into labour a few weeks early couldn't get hold of her husband to take her to the hospital so we jumped in my car and i went in with her. I promised i'd stay with her until hubby got there. By the time he got there we were both off our heads on gas and air. He burst into the labour room and my drugged up mate shouted 'fwoooor! you look well fit in that shirt you sexy bastard!'. We asked him later on after the baby had been born (a little girl incase you were wondering) if he saw her coming out down 'the business end'. He said he had but it was like watching his favourite pub burn down. 

Once the trauma of birth is over with we bring home our bundles of joy. This helpless little person who can't look after themselves properly and who's only interested in the boobs...but enough about the dad...For the first time you are no longer the most important person in your life. This little dude needs you to nurture, protect and love him or her. If it's your first baby you go to town on buying all manner of baby stuff, 99% of which you will never use. You have everything from breast pumps to changing stations, nappy bins, activity mats, teddys, papooses and baby monitors. If it's your second or third they get the hand me downs from baby no.1. If it's your fourth or fifth or so on they're lucky if they get a changing mat and a pushchair because you've had to sell everything on ebay or mumsnet so you can afford to eat. Also your'e not as 'precious' with baby number three onwards. Your'e a seasoned parent now. An old sweat. A baby veteran. You should get a mention in dispatches at the very least. You could probably look after this one with your eyes shut which is just as well because you will be suffering with sleep deprivation and hallucinations the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock. You walk around in a dream like state not really knowing if you are alive or dead. Family and friends come round to see the new edition and pretend not to notice that your once tidy home looks like an IED has gone off in a talc and nappy factory.

Both of my girls were booby babies but breast feeding isn't for everyone-especially the dads.Ha! The first few weeks are incredibly painful and the nipple starts to resemble a battle ship rivet. If you can get through that first four weeks you've cracked it. Breast feeders occasionally have to express milk into a bottle so someone else can have a go feeding the baby and mum have a few hours off to cover her nipples in sudocrem and drink gin. Expressing is done, for the uninitiated, via a contraption called a breast pump. They can be hand or battery operated and come in all shapes and sizes. A suction cup is placed over the nipple and milk is extracted into a bottle. Obviously depending on how mjuch milk you produce depends on how much is 'harvested'. With my second daughter i made so much milk i used to donate the excess to the premature baby ward. For anyone who has witnessed the horror of either theirs or their partners nipple being vacuum stretched to around four inches you have my sympathies. It's possibly the weirdest thing i have ever seen and i have seen some weird shit. One of my babies was constantly on the boob until she was nearly 18 months old. I just couldn't get her off it. She was walking, had teeth and was using whole sentences by the time i weaned her off it. At one point i thought i'd have to go to her school at lunch time and poke my boob through the school fence! Still, i'm a firm believer in breast is best. My girls rarely get ill and have the most amazing teeth. I hope that one day when they have kids they'll follow suit. I also hope that their babies leave their boobs looking like an empty pyjama case too.

Nappy changing is always an issue with babies because they seem to poo stuff out that looks like radioactive algae and smells of evil. When you see a parent pick up a baby and sniff the back end make sure you stand well back and down wind preferably. This baby is about to go off! Run for the hills if that baby has been laying on their back and kicking their chubby little legs prior to a nappy change because you can guarantee it will be, what is technically known as, an 'up the back jobby'. One of mine and several of my friend's babies used to regularly do an 'up the back jobby' but not content with that they'd also get it up as far as their shoulder blades and in their hair too. In this instance the only measure available is to pick them up with a pair of industrial tongs and elbow length rubber gloves and put them in the bath. Wet wipes will not suffice.

Babies are brilliant whether their yours or someone else's.  Someone else's are slightly better because you can give them back when they cry or smell funny. Your baby is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid eyes on and is your absolute world forever. Once they start walking they have reached toddlerhood and that is a whole new level of fresh hell. Good luck to toddler wranglers everywhere. your'e going to need it.

Daddy's little angel by Jason A. Hodges

When you were born, you filled my heart with pride

And i was overcome by the joy i felt inside.

As i held you in my arms that very first day,

I knew i would never let any harm come your way.   

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies

The observationist: Pregnancy and Babies: From the moment that tiny gold medal olympic swimming sperm penetrates the egg and a zygote is formed you are a parent. It's around a 25...

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge

The observationist: Covid Part 5-The revenge:  People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call...

Covid Part 5-The revenge

NOTHING VAST ENTERS THE LIFE OF MORTALS WITHOUT A CURSE-SOPHACLES

 People are mental aren't they? Not all but definitely some of them. Covid or corona or the plague or whatever the fuck you want to call it is still among us and some people still don't get it. I was out with my youngest daughter a few days ago and we both noted how many people were wearing masks either under their noses or not wearing them at all. The amount of folk wearing them under their noses was ridiculously high and people not wearing them at all was pleasingly low. We saw one old guy in front of us in the queue for the opticians at a well known supermarket, naming no names...ASDA chatting away to a member of staff. Nothing to see here you say-WRONG. He was wearing one of those blue and white paper ones which not only was the wrong way round (white side facing outwards) but was also under his nose and filthy dirty. I suspect he hadn't changed it for months. It's not like a pair of dirty underpants that you can turn inside out ffs! For those that don't wear a mask at all i understand that some folk have a genuine reason not to. Either they are under the age of 11 or have a hidden disability. My eldest daughter, aged 16, has a genuine hidden disability. She is profoundly deaf and she mainly relies on lip reading other people. This is impossible when wearing a mask. I was in another well known supermarket ( i have no loyalty when it comes to getting a good deal) who shall remain MORRISONS when i was trying to converse with her. I had my mask on and she couldn't lip read. I briefly pulled my mask down so she could see what i was saying and some old bag glared at me, tutted and told me to get my mask on. I did not approach said arsehole with a classy come back such as 'nob off you ignorant cock womble' because if i had my daughter would have asked what she had said and she would have been embarrassed.She is a self conscious teenager and does not want to draw attention to herself because of her disability. She doesn't have a clue what other mask wearers are saying but she struggles on using body language. She does not class herself as disabled and certainly won't let a pandemic out her. It seems to me that somebody who declares they have have a 'hidden disability' because their dog is gay or their nan is a vegan are just to get out of wearing a mask. The only hidden disability they have-which can't always be spotted by others-is that they are a cunt.My daughter copes so why can't they?

The mask is becoming something of a fashion statement at the moment with people making bespoke ones and selling them which is great because i love an entrepreneur. The one 'fashion statement' that really grips my shit is the hanging off one ear look. Why? Either take it off or put it on properly for fucks sake! You don't see dogs cutting about wearing masks. They sniff each others arseholes and piss on lamp posts then lick their owners faces. They just don't give a fuck! Dirty bastards. Man's best friend my arse. Maybe dogs realised a long time ago that wearing a mask after a pandemic has taken hold is about as effective as taking condoms to a baby shower. In the UK compulsory face coverings in any shop was only brought into effect 5 months after lockdown and a state of national emergency was declared. Since then the rate of infection has gone up. My theory here is that people have a false sense of security with their masks or face coverings and think it's now ok and safe to get closer to other people. The one and a half meter rule is still in effect because around 90% of masks/face coverings worn by people have zero effect on stopping a virus entering your body.The paper masks are the worst and if you take the time to read the packaging it actually tells you 'NOT FOR MEDICAL USE'. The material ones are even less effective. They just make people feel better. It;s the placebo effect.

When lockdown was eased in the UK 2 months ago and pubs re-opened some people went crazy. Rushing to book over seas holidays or staycations because 'they'd earnt it'. How exactly? By being furloughed and told to stay at home for 4 months? How is that earning a holiday? A holiday from what was basically a holiday. We had people getting on aeroplanes full of recycled air and other people's farts then whinging like someone who came last in a whinging competition because they were told to quarantine for 14 days on their return to blighty. People were crowding onto beaches in the UK in their thousands. It was dire. One idiot while being interviewed by a news reporter on one of the packed beaches actually told the interviewer that she thought it was disgusting so many people were crowding onto the beaches. The reporter pointed out that actually she was on the beach adding to the problem to which she replied 'well i've earnt a day at the beach. I've had to stay at home for 4 months' Dick. Don't get me wrong i love a holiday abroad as much as the next man and usually we go a few times a year but at no point did i think you know what, fuck it. Not only will i put myself and my kids at risk but also an entire nation just so i can have a holiday and lay on a sunlounger drinking sangria flashing my gusset at anyone who gets too close and showing my kids up on the karaoke. I'd love to go on holiday but mine and my families health will always come first. Selfish pricks.  

The government in it's infinite wisdom decided to open pubs and restaurants at the start of July. Their thinking behind this came from a good place.It was to help out the economic downturn in the hospitality industry. They even started a government funded 'eat out to help ot' scheme offering diners money off meals. The issue with this was the serious lack of common sense in the general population. People still got pissed and social distancing went out of the window. The track and trace system was and is a shambles as not all places are doing it despite it being the law. People are giving false names like Ivor Biggun or Andy Asswallet or one of my favourites spotted on a track and trace register at my local Mya Jigglyboobs. I reckon this is to stop spouses finding out where their partners actually are when they said they were going out for a loaf of bread. They'd rather keep their anonymity and possibly contract covid than admit they were down the Dog and Duck having 8 pints then fingering Karen behind the bins.

This eat out to help out scheme has become a victim of it's own success. Yes money was put back into the economy and hospitality staff kept their jobs but being offered cheap meals after 5 months at home  eating pasta and loo roll with home measures for breakfast lunch and tea has had an adverse effect. We are now a nation of fat alcoholics and the government is now telling us to lose weight or die from covid. Maybe it was all part of their master plan to weed out the chaf from the wheat. Mmmmm...wheat. When pubs first re-opened we were told that only 2 households at a time could sit together but that didn't work either. For example you go into a pub/bar to meet your besties whom you hadn't seen for 4 months. While you are waiting for their imminent arrival someone else you know comes in and starts chatting with you. This is all well and good until your besties turn up. Do you then say to the pretender to the throne 'right you fuck off because my mates are here'. It's a bit like speed friending. Unless the pub/bar staff know you personally how do they know who is from which household? Once again the government relied on people to do the right thing and follow the guidelines. No music was allowed in venues incase people had to shout over the noise or god forbid they burst into song. This would of course cause the possibility of spittal which carries the virus. Do me a favour! I'm still seeing footballers gob on the pitch so why is it such a big deal if Brian wants to sing along to eye of the tiger. He's not going to spit in anyone's face while singing. He's had a few pints and he's a happy sausage. Boris Johnson loves a slogan so why not try this one 'SAY IT DONT SPRAY IT'. Opening pubs and restaurants has been a double edged sword. Economy boosted-check, public happy (mostly)-check, rise in covid rate-check. what was the actual cost?

My kids (the little super spreaders) went back to school and college recently and we, as parents, were assured that it was safe-ish. Our little angels would be kept in their own little bubbles similar to our already established social bubbles. Cue a second wave as there are now more bubbles than a bottle of ALDI prosecco.

More people are asking for covid tests than ever before because of the onslaught of new cases. Some people will and are taking the piss. If you fancy two weeks off work (usually paid) then tell your boss you have a sore throat and are feeling a bit peaky. Most people who require tests are genuinely showing symptoms of covid but there are not enough to go round. The people that are really taking the piss are the ones who seem to think that their life is more important than anyone elses. I'm talking about so called 'key workers'. I do not mean farmers, NHS staff, care workers, any of the armed forces, lorry and delivery drivers or the emergency services here. I mean fat Brenda who works on the checkout 2 hours a week at some crappy supermarket. Fuck off Brenda. There are babies who need a test and the elderly  and the rest of the poor bastards who are genuinely ill. The world will not end if you can't serve the community for two hours a week. This particular demographic have delusions of grandeur and are showing no symptoms at all. They just think it's their god given right to make demands on an already over stretched NHS. They use their position to their own advantage. It's all about self preservation not about being unable to work. This group (who are a minority thank fuck) are more commonly known as t.w.a.t.s. abbv: Twats Without A Transferrable Skill. 

Covid 19 is similar to the postcode lottery. It's coming to a street near you!

Wash your hands, use the two metre rule, use common sense and stop being dicks.

SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT!!!! 

The observationist: Myths and Legends

The observationist: Myths and Legends: A few folk have suggested this topic recently so i'm going to give it a whirl. As far as i can see the difference between myth and lege...

Myths and Legends

A few folk have suggested this topic recently so i'm going to give it a whirl.
As far as i can see the difference between myth and legend is small. One is completely made up bollocks and the other is loosely based on some fact. A perfect example of distance lending enchantment to the view.
Two examples of this are...
Myth-size doesn't matter. Yes it fucking does. A lie perpetuated by men with tiny cocks. #sorrynotsorry
Legend-my dad. Fact. Sorry to other dads out there but mine is the best. He's got a mug and everything. Even if he did used tp play Tubular bells (theme to the exorcist) turned up to 11 while waiting for me in his Mazda 929 estate after school. "that's your dad that is" the other kids used to say. "yes, yes it is" i'd say. "legend" they'd say.
Myths are stories made up in every culture with the intention of providing explanations for stuff people don't understand. The word 'myth' comes from the Greek word 'mythos' meaning story. Greek mythology has stood the test of time and is the widest studied. A myth is a story that teaches a lesson. Ares, the Greek God of war was such a massive twat that his own parents, Zeus and Hera didn't like him.He even named his own sons Phobos (fear) and Deimos (terror). What does this teach us? Don't be a dick. Be more like Jason and bring back a golden fleece. Hero. Famous Greek mythological God or Goddess bellends are-Pandora, the reason that all evil exists in the world because she was a nosey bitch and opened the box. Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection, I know a few fellas like this but these days they are called hipsters or metrosexuals. Greek God good guys such as Zeus, Theseus and poor old Prometheus get overlooked because they were decent fellas with a moral compass.
Animal myths are really common and are often intricately woven into stories and our psyche. The phoenix who rises from the ashes when the old one dies, pegasus the white winged stallion and the most beautiful horse to never exist, the Loch Ness monster or Nessie has been reported as far back as 565 AD. I've been to Loch Ness a few times and the only magical creature i saw was a lone young mum with four kids under the age of 5. All behaving themselves! She was either a witch or just the best mum ever. The yeti and the bigfoot are other mythical beasts with various sightings but no hard evidence unless you count a giant yeti turd found in the mid 1970's. To be fair that could've  come from a bear hunter with a terrible diet. There are loads of others which are designed to instill fear such as the Jersey devil, sirens, the minotaur, chimera and the most badass of all- the dragon. One of my favourite mythical beasts is the Basilisk which, according to lore, can kill people with a single glance. Not unsimilar to my mum who has the best death stare in western civilization.
You may wonder why i've left out the beloved unicorn, Scotland's national animal. The reason for this is because unicorns a real. How can they be a countries national animal if they don't exist? You'll be telling me a haggis isn't an animal next. Think on!
Being of Irish heritage i also believe in leprechauns faeries and imps. At school in Ireland we were taught to fear the Banshee as to hear or see her meant imminent death. The Pooka was another one to watch out for. These are evil shapeshifting fairies. Farmers in Ireland leave a small amount of their harvest in the field to appease the Pooka. The Far Darrig is the leprechaun's evil twin who kidnap babies and replace them with Changelings. Changelings are hideous looking babies that feed on good fortune and love disasters. I've seen a few babies in my time who i have suspected of being Changelings. Not all babies are bonny. Fear Garta appear as walking corpses with protruding bones and deathly skinniness. You've probably seen them walking down catwalks at London fashion week. The Merrow live in the sea and while the females are amazingly beautiful and human-like the merrow men are described  as hideously ugly. So ugly in fact that their women leave the sea and become entrapped by horny good looking fishermen. The poor facially challenged bastards.
Legends are ambiguous in the way that sometimes they are completely made up but are also often based on some fact so nobody knows whether to believe them or not. They are not to be confused with John Legend-the singer. Incidentally his real name is John Roger Stephens. Does giving himself the showbiz surname of Legend mean he's a legend in his own right or head?
Legends often contain macabre or humourous elements. Examples of these include Bloody Mary. Saying her name in a mirror will make her appear then she'll chop your legs off or scoop out your eyes with a spoon and replace them with buttons off your dead grandmother's night dress...or something. The spider bite that will grow into a large infected lump under your skin where a million baby spiders burst out. the kidney heist where you wake up in a bath full of ice with a kidney missing. Houses built on ancient burial grounds, chain letters and the Slender man are but a few legends designed to put the willys up you but are probably completely fabricated....Probably...
Sweet dreams dear reader...or in the words of Jeff the killer..."go to sleep".   

The observationist: Grandparents

The observationist: Grandparents: We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have ou...

Grandparents

We either have grandparents, we are grandparents or sometimes both. Either way they are a lore unto themselves aren't they? They have our kids for sleep overs occasionally to give us a 'break' but then punish us by filling them full of sugar, sweets and pop, let them go to bed when they want and fill their little heads with big ideas. Big ideas like little Joey can be an airline pilot if he wants to be or little Tiffany could be prime minister if she works hard at school. WRONG. little Joey was trying to suck a snail out of it's shell two days ago and little Tiffany thinks Frozen is a documentary. The sugar come down when they get back home is so horrendous that the likes of which haven't been seen since Woodstock and the bedtime routine is so fucked up that we have to use a tranquilizer dart just to get them down from the climbing frame and into their pyjamas. They are wound up so tightly they could have the king of all meltdowns at any second and go off like a sugar coated semtex filled pinata. Bastards!
My grandparents were brilliant. I used to have an absolute ball staying with them in their big victorian house by the sea side. I used to get up at daft o'clock and go to the newsagents with my grandad then walk back home to my nan cooking a full fry up with a fag hanging off her bottom lip. The smell of fried eggs with a side of fag ash still makes me smile and wish they were still alive today. Me and my grandad used to go the rocks at the beach and collect a bucket of winkles while waves crashed around us threatening to drag is out to sea. Unbelievably dangerous but i felt safe because my grandad was there.
You see, when you have grandparents it's not for long. Inevitably we all become members of an exclusive club we didn't sign up for. Life catches up with them and those lines on the face and creaky bones that tell a million stories far more interesting than ours are laid to rest. Their death is often the first one we encounter and the first loss of a loved one that actually makes your heart feel like it's going to break.
I was lucky enough to have grandparents, great grandparents AND a great great nan. By christ she was old! All of them used to tell me how poor they were as kids and how lucky i was. I'd roll my eyes, nod in agreement and then they'd give me a bit of pocket money and a whiskery kiss. Why do all nannas, nannys, nans, grannys-whatever you want to call them-have better moustaches and beards than an Irish folk band? Why does nobody say anything? It's either out of respect or fear of getting a clip around the ear hole.
My mum and dad are brilliant grandparents to three granddaughters. No grandsons much to my dad's dismay. It's not that he loves his granddaughters any less but having two daughters already a boy would be nice. He's outnumbered, outwitted and more often than not out of pocket. He does have one ace up his sleeve though. He's gone from embarrassing parent to the heady heights of embarrassing grandad. There is nothing this man won't do to show up his daughters but there's a whole new level now. It's not that he goes out of his way to show up his grandkids but he has actually recruited them in his quest to mortify their mums. Us. His poor bewildered offspring. He has taught my eldest daughter, who is to be fair a willing participant in such japery, to scare me at every opportunity. Jumping out of cupboards, wardrobes, from behind curtains and under tables. No where is safe. I'm pretty sure he's training her to be an assassin. To add insult to injury he gives his grandkids pocket money every month. Gives them it!!! Me and my sister had to do chores to earn our pocket money and they get it just because theyr'e cute and the apples of his eye. Where is the justice in that? I live with a mini Kato and grandad finds that hilarious. Just remember who gets to pick your nursing home dad. Nanny loves to spoil her grandkids and takes them all shopping for pretty much whatever their heart desires. If they weren't spending mine and my sister's inheritance i'd be happy for them.
Grandparents love to dish out unwanted advice on how to bring your kids up. Whatever you, as the parent, says or does the general response is 'you wouldn't have got away with that in my day'. Yeah well in your day we were allowed to travel in a car boot with no seat belt on while you smoked fags in the front, we were told to be seen but not heard and we got a good hiding if we gave an adult any lip. You show a kid a slipper or a belt these days the response would most likely be 'oh my god! your'e not wearing that are you?'. Be warned though, fruit of my loins, for one day i will be a grandparent to your kids where i will fill them full of e-numbers and big ideas and i will laugh in your face when you ask me to babysit. Me and the hubby are retiring to Greece so we still get to watch our grandchildren grow up but from far enough away so that they can't, at a moments notice be thrown out of a moving vehicle onto our lawn with an overnight bag.
Grandparents are brilliant, full of knowledge, love, kindness and great stories. They've lived a life that'd probably make your toes curl so when i'm a grandparent i'll relish it because i know i won't have long. I'll spoil them, teach them mad shit and we'll get into trouble together.
Long live grandparents.

The observationist: isolation part 4-The quickening

The observationist: isolation part 4-The quickening: The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves...

isolation part 4-The quickening

The fourth dimension to my lockdown witterings has been an interesting piece of research because people are going stir crazy in their droves. In the last few weeks we have learned that furloughed workers are 'becoming addicted' to staying at home and getting paid for it. Whoda thunk it? Don't get too comfortable though because the yoga mat is about to pulled from under your flabby feet. We might actually have to go to work and earn our wages just when we've got used to mincing around in our pyjamas and having gin on our cornflakes. There are no set meal times anymore just one giant one at 3pm and nobody to tell you to change out of your pyjamas, have a shave or even brush your teeth. Halcyon days, dear furloughed reader, soon to be over. The human race will need decompression leave to adjust back into society. I want a fucking medal and a mention in dispatches for being trapped at home with two teenage girls, my husband and a flatulent dog. The horrors i have seen and smelt would give a lesser person PTCD-post traumatic covid disorder.
I've done my bit and stayed at home when other people have been laughing in the face of lockdown rules. There have been reports of these bellends having BBQ's and parties with their mates-don't get me wrong, a bbq very every meal is for winners-but it's because of these dickheads that the UK has the highest Covid 19 mortality rate in Europe. The government put restrictions in place to prevent the spread and the dregs of society chose to ignore them. By dregs i mean there are two categories here. Your typical chavalanche/wannabe gangsta and the rich. They are not so different it turns out. Both think rules don't apply to them. It pisses me off that i'm adhering to lockdown rules and trying to make the best of the situation and other folk do not give the smallest of fucks. I try to get my shopping online and delivered but supermarkets are not helping the situation. They are hiking their prices and the delivery cost up and some of the cheaper items (which you know exist) are no where to be seen online. The online service tells you 'item not available' when you fill your basket online but low and behold you go to said supermarket to buy the 'item not available' and there it is on the shelf laughing at you. It defeats the object if your'e forced to go out and buy the things they pretend they don't have. Especially if that item is pile cream or lube (don't ever get these two mixed up). On a recent trip to a supermarket to buy items that weren't delivered i noticed that less people are adhering to the 2 metre rule. I hold my breath when someone gets too close so i don't breathe in their potential germs. I went to Lidl and had to hold my breath so often i started seeing spots and almost blacked out!
A story in the news recently was that of a submarine commander who organised a BBQ for his submariners on their return to terra firma after 6 months of living at sea in very close proximity to each other. He received a right royal bollocking and was put on 'other duties' his career possibly in tatters. WTAF! His men and women were living in a metal phallus together for 6 months and then some twat posted a video of the BBQ return party. The media jumped all over it and he was disciplined. Doctors and nurses get to go home to their families with a possible risk of infection after they've done for the day-submariners don't. They only thing they fear is finding a mate's wank sock or being sunk by the Russians. Do me a fucking favour! This submarine commander is a hero not a villain and whoever posted this video is a glory hunting, disloyal, boil in the bag pork mannequin who must have been at the party themselves. As a result of this the Daily Mail are offering cash incentives to anyone who shops a member of the armed forces or emergency services seen not to be observing social distancing rules. Typical of the Daily Mail who are the shit on anyone's shoe. Well let this be known Daily Mail editor, i sleep with my soldier every night and we have definitely had sex more than once so shall i phone the hotline? He is not observing social distancing rules in our bedroom and neither am i you horrible bastards.
Me and the hubby have decided to try to keep fit during lockdown so most mornings we have been doing yoga with Adrienne followed by PE with Joe Wicks. The first day we felt fine but don't be deceived because the second and third day i'm sure i had flu in my legs and we were both walking like we'd shat ourselves. It's like stealth PE. We've also been taking our vitamins daily but so far have managed to not inject or ingest dettol as suggested by President Trump. Unbelievably within a 12 hour period of Trump announcing this 30 Americans rang 911 to say they had done it. The Darwin awards were tailor made for these tools . Trump is clearly an idiot so perhaps UK residents should cut Bo Jo and Chris walrus titty some slack. They are doing a great job in the circumstances.
Captain Tom walked his driveway umpteen times to raise money for the NHS and was made an  honorary  colonel by the Queen which was fantastic. A fine figure of a man putting the yoof to shame. Why then did Michael Ball decide to release a record with Captain Tom, the record of choice being 'you'll never walk alone'? For a start he was walking alone as is everyone abiding with the social distancing rules and the song was originally penned by 'Gerry and the pacemakers'. If 100 year old captain Tom doesn't already have a pacemaker fitted he might do soon.
It has been noticed in the past week or so that some folk have been timing their run or bike ride to coincide with the 'clap for carers at 8pm on a Thursday so they get a round of applause. It started off as a bit of a joke but now more people desperate for adulation are joining in. My theory here is nobody gives a shit anymore about giving out kudos on Strava so the fitness freaks have to get smoke blown up their toned arses somehow.
Other people who like to be told they are amazing are TV presenters. I think they are doing a great job but because most of them are presenting from their own homes we, the viewer, are seeing them without TV makeup (or pancake as it's known in the bizz). The true horror has been revealed. The mask has slipped and having a HD TV is now a curse for us and them.
Nobody seems to say 'hey did you see that thing on TV last night' anymore because there's nothing new to watch. It's all about the cleaning and gardening they've been doing because the whole of the internet and Netflix was watched in the first week of lockdown. Now i'm seeing comments and photos like 'my skirting boards have never been so clean' or 'cleaned my cooker today-looks like new'. What the hell were these people doing before? Living in their own filth? News flash people...you are supposed to keep your home clean and not just because you've got nothing better to do. Do your housework FFS you mucky bitches.
That's it for this week bloggettes. To conclude try to love thy neighbour (even that annoying chode across the street) because you're stuck with them for now. We'll all be allowed to play out nicely again soon but it'll be different. A bit like being the new kid at school. Remember patience is a virtue and a virtue is moral excellence.

The observationist: Self grooming

The observationist: Self grooming: This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know ...

Self grooming

This is quite a loaded topic isn't it? Self grooming has never been so popular and is a multi billion pound industry for those who know how to tap into our insecurities. We are so tuned in to how we are supposed to look and feel that we believe that a certain product or procedure will help us achieve our goal. From hairstyles, anal bleaching, anti-wrinkle creams, tanning, chemical peels, exercise, threading, waxing and self help mantras, just about every avenue (and back alley ooh er missus) is covered. I went to get my eyebrows threaded once but changed my mind after i saw the woman (threader) threading another woman's fanny. It put me right off.
Iv'e never felt the urge to get my bum hole bleached and i'm not really sure why people get it done. I do subscribe to anti-wrinkle stuff though in the form of a thick layer of Nivea around my eyes, jaw line and neck before i go to bed. I swear by it. It's a good job my hubby-being very British-prefers sex with the light off because if he was to see me in my full Nivea glory he'd need anal bleaching because of the sheer horror.
I occasionally visit my local tanning emporium for a vitamin D boost. It's one of those upright ones where you go into a booth, strip off and then stand holding onto two straps that hang from the ceiling. The positions you have to get into to get the optimum tan coverage are unbelievable and, believe me, Russian gymnasts train for years to get that kind of posture and balance. For the ladies with boobs and a bum ( #blessed) the last thing you want is white creases either under the boob or where your bum cheek meets the top of your thigh. I reckon i'm a fully paid up and qualified contortionist with the positions i can get in to. For the fellas the under carriage is an issue. Do you cup the lad and nuts and lift them up running the risk of having a white stripe across your torso from your arm or do you tuck? Decisions decisions.
Exercise is a great way to keep you in shape and gyms are incredibly popular with a lot of people. If you don't mind looking at a stranger's sex face while you do weights then this is the place for you. I prefer the home gym method then nobody cares if i accidentally fart while doing sit ups or squats and nobody bats an eyelid if i eat a cake straight after planking- apart from the cat but she is very judgmental. I used to go running a lot but now my knees can't cope. My brain is saying "yeah! let's do this" but my fibula and patella are shouting "move away from those trainers lady! Not today!" .
I don't visit the hairdressers very often because i'm quite lucky in the hair department. I have naturally blonde way hair which grows really quickly. I usually go for a trim once a year. I've also achieved the ultimate dream of breeding a child who is about to start training as a hairdresser. Win win.
Self help books work for a lot of people but i don't buy into that guff. If i want to do something and somebody tells me i can't then naturally- i will. I don't need some sandal wearing, aluminium collecting, yogurt eating veggie telling me how to live my best life. That's my mum's job. She doesn't even have to say anything. She just gives me 'the look of disapproving doom' and i sort my shit out.
Makeup companies all tell us how amazing their product is and how beautiful you will look if you buy their brand but surely you can find something you like that suits your skin type under your own steam. You don't need someone telling you "maybe your'e born with it". In my opinion if you are indeed born with it then you don't need it. Also for the record i don't want "the London look". I live in 't' Yorkshire FFS!
Zumba, pilates and yoga are quite popular for a lot of women and some men but do we really need to be told to breathe? I mean, come on, if you need to be told to breathe you probably shouldn't be allowed to breed. You'll also be told to shake your money maker or be bent into positions that make the karma sutra look like a Janet and John book. Do we need this in our lives? I'm not sure we do but different strokes for different folks.
I don't fancy getting any part of my body waxed. How was this ever invented anyway? Did someone during a kinky sex game accidentally drop hot wax onto a hairy area, rip it off leaving a bald patch and think "hey! I'm onto something here". Call me old fashioned but if i went into a waxing salon and a lady who i didn't know asked me to hold a fanny lip open while she painted hot wax onto it then proceeded to rip out my pubes i'd be a tad mortified and quite possibly need counselling . The weird thing about waxing, according to a beautician friend of mine, is that you have to grow your body hair to a certain length so the wax can grip it and remove it from the root. So for around 3 weeks you have to walk around like captain caveman or like your'e giving Bob Marley a shoulder carry and wear tights thick enough so your compressed leg hair doesn't look like an ordnance survey map through the mesh. I recommend 200 denier or 'maths teacher strength'.
To conclude do whatever makes you feel good but never spend over £100 on an anti-wrinkle cream or have so much surgery you look like you've been ironed. Live your best life without some self help 'guru' telling you to 'enjoy the simpler things in life' and 'money isn't everything' while charging you £25.00 for their book and living in a beach house in California with the proceeds. Make exercise fun and never let a stranger wax your fanny. Get to know them first and make sure you get their number after. 

The observationist: Isolation part 3-the reckoning

The observationist: Isolation part 3-the reckoning: So here we are. Isolation part 3. Cabin fever is starting to set in and our grocery bills currently stand at £3000.86 per week. We've al...

Isolation part 3-the reckoning

So here we are. Isolation part 3. Cabin fever is starting to set in and our grocery bills currently stand at £3000.86 per week. We've almost become inert and the daily exercise routine has gone out of the window. We just can't be arsed. What is the point of even getting out of bed anyway or getting dressed? For those of you who have been furloughed or work from home it's important for your mental health and general well being that you try to adhere to some kind of a routine. Remember when you were at school and had six weeks summer holidays then when it was time to go back? We couldn't even write anymore. Imagine what that will be like in the adult work place. We'll be rocking up in our pyjamas at what ever time we like with a bottle of wine in our packed lunches. Sort it out now before it's too late.
I still see all sorts of folk "exercising" on a daily basis. People who've clearly never been for a run in their lives or been on a pushbike since Grifters and Choppers were in fashion. I saw a middle aged bloke out running the other day wearing, and i shit you not, jeans! I observed him for a few minutes just to make sure he wasn't just running to catch a bus or something. Nope. Definitely out for a run in his wranglers. He had a water bottle!
My hubby and i live in a little rural village with a population of around 200 people but since the lockdown restrictions were announced our village seems to have increased to 5000. the amount of people who drive to our village to go for a walk or a bike ride is mind boggling. Me and the hubby have taken to sitting out front in our little courtyard while the weather is nice with a glass of wine. We watch these hoards of people passing by and judge every last one of them. When these strangers realise they have reached the end of the village they turn round and walk back past our house to their cars. This way we get to judge them all over again and say 'hey, i  didn't know i hated that about you'. Going by some of their uncoifferred barnets it looks like some of them have forgotten what year it is and seem to be stuck in a perpetual 1970's time warp which we all know is the decade taste forgot. Instead of shouting 'bugger off back to your own towns' me and the hubby do that very British thing of tutting then have another sip of wine.
If your'e struggling to find things to do to ease the boredom open your minds. you could iron your teabags, write a book about your life, crochet hats for pigeons or make your own clothes. I don't know about you, dear reader, but  my kids have inconsiderately continued to grow and with no clothes shops open yet we are almost at the stage where i'm going to hark back to the good ol' days of make do and mend. The only difference now is i'm calling it 'make do and shut up'. Nobody's going to see it anyway. Online clothes shopping is ok sometimes but the stuff that turns up usually looks nothing like the glossy picture and wouldn't fit an emaciated stick man.
Another thing i have noticed over the past few weeks is this 'clap for carers' thing has got a bit out of hand, People are now trying to out do each other with various instruments. What the buggery is that all about? I saw a post on facetube the other day where one guy had set up a full drum kit on his driveway. A lovely old chap who may or may not live in my village (he does btw) started a few weeks ago by playing a tune on his wind instrument (not a euphemism, i just don't know what it is) while stood at the bottom of his driveway. It was nice and broke the monotony a little. This week he ramped it up a level and started setting up an amp, a microphone and some kind of backing music machine at 1930. He even had a fucking rehearsal! Then at 2000 he started playing to his captive audience but then, not to be out done, another neighbour joined in with a set of maracas like a geriatric Bez then another started singing! It's quickly escalated from 'clap for carers' to 'Britain's got talent' for christ sakes! My kids kept encouraging me to go out and start dancing but i managed to hold back despite having had a glass of wine or two. I was tempted to go out and do the robot or maybe even the worm down the road but i honestly don't think my back is up to it and i also don't think the village is ready for those kind of moves to be busted just yet. Maybe next week. Never say never...
To conclude this week's blog i'll leave you with something my often hilariously funny husband said after looking out of the window and seeing 'village got talent' unfolding. He said, and i quote verbatim "some of these fuckers are gonna need roadies soon"

The observationist: Isolation part deux

The observationist: Isolation part deux: We are coming up to week 4 of being quarantined in our own homes. Some people have started to lose the plot completely while others are quit...

Isolation part deux

We are coming up to week 4 of being quarantined in our own homes. Some people have started to lose the plot completely while others are quite happy to stay at home and find stuff to do. I'm a doer and can always find something to occupy myself, whether it be renovating my tatty garden furniture, cleaning, gardening, reading, trying to teach my dog to talk, you name it and i've done it. Everything that is apart from actual work. You see, i work from home anyway so i am the queen of procrastinating. My work mantra is 'the closer the deadline the cleaner the house'. The only difference now is my teenagers and my hubby are on lockdown with me. They don't consider my work WORK in the true sense. They seem to think they are staying at an all inclusive resort. My kids have started sleeping most of the day and becoming fridge raiders of the lost park by night. I get up on a morning and my kitchen resembles a crime scene-if that crime scene were one where every pan, plate and cup has been used and the fridge is now devoid of an entire month's supply of cheese and mini pepperamis. Occasionally they'll wander downstairs in the daylight blinking like pit ponies claiming they're hungry and asking what day it is. My hubby has binge watched every box set going and i'm sure his back skin has fused to the leather sofa. He has literally become part of the furniture. I've covered him in scatter cushions and next week i'm reupholstering him. He's currently half way through the Homeland series and it's on TV that often that i think i'm in it. I have pretty much become his carer.
There seems to be a lot of folk claiming to be 'key workers' A term that will come back to haunt us for years to come. Sure there's people out there doing their job and keeping the rest of the country ticking over for now but let me tell you, dear reader, i am a keyworker in my own home. I go out and forage for food (i mean shopping obviously), i walk the dogs, i clean, i do the washing, i home school,  i feed my family AND i work from home. Does anyone stand at their gate and clap for me? No they fucking do not! Do i ask for plaudits or to not have to queue at the supermarket? Yes i fucking do! Do i get the latter? Of course i don't because it's what i signed up to do. I'm just working under slightly different conditions and i get on with it . I tried to protest by growing my leg hair but alas nobody has noticed my plight. Half man half sofa is busy watching 19 hours of TV a day when he's not out protecting the bell end sector of society from themselves (he's in the British army so the term 'frontline workers' has gone down a treat with him-NOT) and the vampire twins are too busy morphing into fridge snipers. I may grow a beard-that'll learn them!
Even though most of us are trying to maintain some sort of normality during this pandemic meal times seem to have gone out of the window. More often than not we are grazing throughout the day and having our tea/dinner/supper at 9pm. We are throwing random ingredients together like artichokes, prawn cocktail crisps, a full jar of lemon curd, a tube of canesten cream and making a stew which tastes disgusting but stops your fanny from itching. Beer bread is great if you can get hold of a bit of flour but can't find yeast or bicarbonate of soda. Plain or strong white is what you need. Mix around 10 ounces with half a can of a stout like guinness and throw in whatever you like. Chorizo, peppers and mushrooms are good but you can use anything. Mix it all up in a bowl, let it prove for an hour, grease a loaf tin and then bake for around 45 minutes at gas 5. Voila! Beer bread. Perfect still warm from the oven with a bit of cheese and a glass of wine. My sister gave me an excellent tip on how to make an open pie crust out of cous cous if you don't have any flour. I don't think anyone is panic buying cous cous yet  because nobody really knows what it is. You make it as normal then let it thicken slightly. You then squash it into a pie tin and bake it in the oven the same as you would a pastry. Genius!
Another thing that seems to be hard to get hold of is cleaning products. I have a theory about this. Humour me, if you will. When the lock down was announced one of the rules was nobody visiting your home-even other family members-and the only people allowed in your house are people you are incarcerated with ( i mean live with). Therefore all of the posh folk who had a cleaner now have to do their own cleaning. Imagine the horror! Panic ensued and they all drove to the supermarkets in their Range Rovers and bought all of the cleaning products. They don't know what to do with them but they had to buy them all. They're probably bleaching their bichon frises right now and polishing their grass.
Because hairdressers have all closed the general population seem to be cultivating some amazing hair styles the likes of which haven't been seen since the 1970's. There are young lads shaving their heads everywhere. Christ knows why. They're totally missing a trick there. They should grow it instead so when they return to college or school they could form a metal band called 'fanny magnet' or 'Liquid shit and the purple pussys' or something. The women that claim to be natural blondes have roots longer than a dandelion and the  bouffants round our way are getting so ridiculous that our bin men look like Ian Beale when he went missing.
In conclusion, we are all in the same boat so keep your powder dry. Nobody is better than you and you are not better than anyone else (apart from those twats who are still flouting the social distancing rules-these people should be made to clean the covid wards to see what their selfish actions are causing) Rock your mad hair do's, eat random meals at whatever time you like and wine o'clock is now officially 3pm.

The observationist: Isolation part 1

The observationist: Isolation part 1: Isolation is a state of mind which has been forced upon us because of a horrible world wide pandemic. A killer virus that isn't picky ab...

Isolation part 1

Isolation is a state of mind which has been forced upon us because of a horrible world wide pandemic. A killer virus that isn't picky about who it takes. We know the risks we face by going out shopping or taking exercise and coming into contact with other humans. We have become our own worst enemy. Conspiracy theorists may claim biological warfare but as the virus is infecting people world wide i doubt anyone in any country has the energy to invade anywhere. My teenage kids barely have the energy to get up before 2pm so i suspect they've had the virus since they started puberty. Just in case though i've started learning Russian.
The two meter or 6ft apart rule when out and about is there for a reason but how do scientists know for sure that this is the optimum distance? Who worked that out and how? Was it something like 'ere Dave just stand 6 foot away from me and sneeze and see if it hits me in the face'. I like to think not but you never know...Even though supermarkets are making people stand in queues 2 metres apart once your'e in the supermarket it's really hard to adhere to. The aisles are only 2 metres wide so if you have to walk past someone on ,say, the bread aisle your'e screwed. Over the past week or so i have seen some ridiculous excuses for human beings. Full of their own self importance with no thought for anyone else. They glare at you over the top of their face masks in that weird passive aggressive way because you take longer than they would like to choose a tin of soup and they want to get past. It might be worth noting that the Czech republic have brought in a law that because of the shortage of face masks for doctors, nurses, police, army etc it is now a public offence for anyone to wear a mask who does not fall into the criteria. I suspect some folk wearing these are using the same mask more than once therefore probably infecting themselves anyway. Natural selection at it's finest. I don't like going to the supermarket at the best of times and even less so now but getting an online delivery slot is like finding the holy grail at the moment. I go because i have to feed my family. If it was up to me we'd eat one of our dogs but my kids aren't keen on the idea.
Being stuck at home with my two teens has actually been ok so far but it has only been 10 days. I'll report back in 6 weeks and let you know if i've started feeling a tad murdery. They're both being pretty well behaved and we've had no major meltdowns yet. I'm trying to find them a little thing to do each day to ease the boredom. Baking is proving popular, walking the dogs (so far we've still got three but it's really hard to find meat these days), making bird feeders. Every other evening we are, as a family, playing a board game, cards or dominoes with some music on and snacks. Also a popular choice. Competitive connect four is for winners! Cards against humanity is also a favourite. The best card combo we've had so far was (black card question) 'It's a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with...(white card answer) Jimmy Saville...
Because our holiday has been cancelled i've bought my girls a five foot paddling pool each. When it starts getting warm i'll put the pools up, get the sun loungers out and serve them both kids cocktails while i do some serious day time drinking-just like a real holiday. Who needs an inclusive holiday in Majorca anyway? ME! THAT'S WHO!!!!
I'm doing ok stuck at home because i can always find something to do but i am missing my family and friends terribly. In particular i'm missing my mum and dad. I've had the odd wobble and a bit of a cry (mostly in secret) because i feel compelled to drive to their house and give them a cuddle and i can't. There is no shame in that.We all have people we miss and can't visit. We do this to keep the people we love and ourselves safe. We isolate and distance ourselves because we are responsible for our own destiny now and we understand that adhering to this will slow down and eventually stop the spread of covid 19. It will at least give the scientists time to find a vaccine when they're not busy measuring optimum sneeze/cough/fart distances or trying to buy face masks off ebay.
Some people just don't seem to get it though do they? These people are what's commonly known as bell ends. There's village near me missing it's idiot because i keep seeing him whiz past my house on a tiny hairdryer motorbike with his chavalance girlfriend on the back. No helmets on their heads just a pair of helmets riding the bike. I do worry that the constant repetition of 'stay at home' is losing it's impact.
There are three groups of people who are living the dream under these conditions though. The hermits and the germaphobes are sat in their respective caves and bubble wrapped homes saying 'i bloody told you so' and the keyboard warriors. The latter must be having a field day. They can now sit at home on their computers or phones or whatever typing vile and bilious tripe knowing that whoever they piss off can't even find out where they live and knock on their doors.
Muggers are finding times tough because they have to combine their mugging with their hour of daily exercise and tell people to throw wallets or phones over to them from 2 meters away. It doesn't have the same impact and victims of mugging are no longer taking it seriously.
Dogging is an issue too. Also having to combine dogging with their hour  daily exercise doggers are being forced to stick to their family groups, take their dogs with them and then try to hit a car windscreen with jizz from 6 foot away. Tough times. 
The worst struck group by far, i think you'll agree, are the wombles. They are allowed to still pick up litter ,sure, but sadly no longer allowed to womble free. Poor bastards.
To conclude this blog stay at home, do that DIY you've been putting off for years, take up baking, learn a language, clean your car windscreens (just in case) and stop using so much loo roll. Two sheets is plenty.

The observationist: Covid 19

The observationist: Covid 19: Human nature is a funny old thing isn't it? Humans and dolphins are the only known mammals who mate for fun and not just for the sole pu...

Covid 19

Human nature is a funny old thing isn't it? Humans and dolphins are the only known mammals who mate for fun and not just for the sole purpose of procreation. I don't mean there's a human out there whose only joy in life is dolphin bothering although that might be why Jeff up the road is banned from the sea life centre. On the whole people are good but there are some proper wrong 'uns out there.
The current covid 19 pandemic has brought a tidal wave of wrong 'uns out into the open. People who are good, or perceived to be, have gone corona crazy. The other thing that's reached pandemic proportions, particularly in the UK, is panic buying. It started with people stock piling loo rolls and pasta. Then the tindemic and the great hand sanitiser exodus. Bizarrely our local supermarket ran out of cat biscuits. Not the meat-loads of that-just the biscuits. What the actual fornication? Surely not everybody has a cat? Not only that but why just the biscuits? Probably to lure the dolphins in. Well they do tend to be fish flavoured.
The people who panic shopped were still savvy with their purchases despite apparently being driven to act like contestants in Supermarket Sweep. I did note that while ALL of the tinned food had been bought the Fray Bentos pies and Heinz beans had been left behind like an ugly step child during tinmageddon because they were not on offer. Crazy times people.
My eldest daughter is doing a GCSE in food tech and i couldn't get the ingredients she needed for her spaghetti bolognese because bell ends had bought 3 tonnes of the stuff. I found myself having to get up unbelievably early on my only day off to drive to the supermarket and beat the rush just so my child could do her practical exam. I took my husband for security and i was also packing an air of 'fuck them all' which i find useful in these situations. We arrived at 7.50am, ten minutes before opening time. The car park had around 3 or 4 cars in it and my nieve other half said 'i think you're slightly over reacting love'. Slightly over reacting??? How very dare he!!! I was massively over reacting. However, we got our bags out of the car boot, headed for the door and waited for it to open. Within 5 minutes of us getting there the car park was full and there was a huge queue of people behind us. The doors opened and people piled in like their lives depended on it. It was every man/woman for themselves. The woman who was stood in the queue behind us was the first to pile loo rolls and pasta into her trolley racing around like a fucking rabid crack head. Only 5 minutes prior she'd been happily chatting to an elderly gent about how ridiculous these panic shoppers were and how you would never catch her doing that. She was right about one thing...that you would never catch her. She was off like a robber's dog. I saw a grown man having a toddler tantrum at a cashier for not letting him buy ALL of the dried spaghetti. A grown man people! The world has gone mad. Panic buying in the purest sense of the meaning is going out to buy say bread, cheese and milk. You then panic and come home with a jar of pickled walnuts, an angle grinder and some magic beans.These people are amateurs.
All of the schools in the UK closed indefinitely a few days ago so cue shops running out of wine and gin in around 1 weeks time. Don't get me wrong, i love my kids. The problem is that they hate each other. My options are limited as i work from home so i either pick a favourite and release the other one into the wild, move into the shed or start day time drinking. Wine and spirits aisle here i come.
I realise it's human nature to survive but at what cost? People who are generally pillars of the community are shedding their masks too readily for my liking. The integrity and moral compass in some people is becoming infected quicker than a hooker's fanny.
Our village pub closed it's doors as all pubs and clubs were ordered to by the government in order to protect it's citizens from this virus and reduce cases. Some people were actually complaining and giving the management a hard time. People are dying around the world in their thousands and selfishly the only concern these folk had was that they can't go to the pub for a pint. The staff at the pub, many of whom are on a zero hours contract (including myself in a part time capacity) either will not get paid or have been laid off until further notice. How do the punters think these people are feeling? I suspect, after what i have witnessed in the supermarkets, not one fuck is given.
Some good folk are offering help to those who need it such as shopping, dog walking, picking up prescriptions or just being there at the end of the phone. These are good people and they give me faith in humanity. the other selfish bastards can go to hell in a handcart as far as i'm concerned.
The National Trust has opened it's trust sites free of charge, Burger King are offering free lunches to kids, the BBC are putting loads of old favourites on iplayer and lots of people are running all manner or groups on line such as the Military Wives Choir, exercise groups, book groups etc. See. Some people are good and think of others in the face of adversity. Some people are dicks. Which category do you fall into dear reader?

A little joke to make you think of something else and my gift to you.
A man goes into a doctors surgery to give a sperm sample. The doctor asks the man if he could masterbate in the cup. The man replies.. " well i know i'm really good at it but i've never thought about entering competitions before".

Thankyou and it's goodnight from her....   

The observationist: Passions and Hobbies

The observationist: Passions and Hobbies: Most of us have a passion or a hobby. Mine happens to be motorbike road racing. I've always loved motorbikes. I think it comes from when...

Passions and Hobbies

Most of us have a passion or a hobby. Mine happens to be motorbike road racing. I've always loved motorbikes. I think it comes from when my mum was in labour with me, my uncle (her brother) took her to hospital on the back of his motorbike. My grandad had a bike with a sidecar too and lived in Scarborough-home to the only road racing circuit in England, Oliver's mount.. I could hear the races start from his garden and nag him to take me. He obliged and i used to sit aloft his shoulders watching legends like Barry Sheene, Mick Grant and the Dunlop brothers. Joey Dunlop was and still is my idol-God rest his soul. He was probably my first love. I met him once when i was a kid at oliver's mount, and remember thinking he could probably do with a good wash. I was smitten. Now i take my youngest daughter to the road races and she loves it. It's our thing. She takes some amazing photos and has sold quite a few which is some achievement for a 13 year old. She has her favourites now which are Bruce Anstey and...nope, that's it...Bruce Anstey. She asked him if she could have her photo with him a few years back, he happily obliged then he gave her the biggest hug. She said afterwards that he smelt amazing. She was smitten. The photo of them both takes pride of place in our house.
Although i love the bikes i don't let it take over my life unlike some folk do with their hobbies and passions.
I always say 'each to their own' but what the fuck is bus spotting all about? Why?????? I worked as a bus driver for around three years and i would regularly see these nerds congregate around the bus station with their notepads and cameras taking down the bus number, taking a photo then probably going off for a wank when they spotted a number they didn't have already. I suspect that not one of them has ever touched a boob before. I kind of understand train spotters because trains are fast and getting a number off one of those bad boys travelling at 120mph+ is a skill. Plane spotters are an enigma to me. How do you get a number off something at 30,000 feet? Madness.
There are so many hobbies these days such as crocheting, knitting, painting, gaming and baking. There is literally something for everyone. Even swinging and dogging are classed as hobbies...a kinky one, but a hobby never the less. It's not the sort of thing you would put at the end of your c.v though is it under hobbies and interests?
'I enjoy swimming, cooking, reading and pumping Mrs Jones from number 7 over the bonnet of her husband's renault laguna'
Although this would probably get the attention of the interviewer so the choice is yours.
Is a passion for something the same as a hobby? I have a particular passion for blood orange flavoured gin but if i made drinking it my hobby it'd possibly be frowned upon by social services and i wouldn't get much work done. Negotiating my way around the supermarket three sheets to the blood orange gin wind wearing my old wedding dress. one pop sock and mis-matched flip flops is not a look i'll be taking up any time soon. I'm not saying NEVER, just not soon.
Correct me if i'm wrong but i think the only thing that can be deemed both a passion and a hobby is keeping yourself fit. To dedicate your spare time to gyms, running, swimming, cycling, zumba or whatever floats your boat takes a strong will. I do not have that particular part of my brain anymore. I think i handed it in with the rest of my kit when i left the Army. Good riddance i say. My knees are like bags of gravel and make weird noises and my back is made of glass. These days i prefer sedate walks with my dogs. I've also stopped killing people too.
Hobbies and passions are what keep us sane a lot of the time. They are an escape and help us relax. Especially Mr Jones who i see cleaning his renault laguna every Sunday morning....   

The observationist: Ghosts and the Supernatural

The observationist: Ghosts and the Supernatural: I feel pretty well informed on this particular subject as i've written many a spooky based script but what exactly is the supernatural? ...

Ghosts and the Supernatural

I feel pretty well informed on this particular subject as i've written many a spooky based script but what exactly is the supernatural? I'll tell you...it's a manifestation or event attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature. This covers the paranormal, vampires, werewolves, demons, angels, gods, extrasensory perception, witchcraft and occultism to name but a few. It's basically a departure from what is the norm so as to appear to transcend the laws of nature.
Shakespeare once said 'there are more things in Heaven and earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy'. Well enough of that crusty old bollocks, when or if you have a supernatural experience  it will unnerve you some what. You might even let out a small involuntary noise you've never heard yourself make before and probably never will again.
When i told a friend of mine my next blog was going to be on the supernatural and ghosts he said 'oh, that's brilliant because you were touched weren't you'. It was a catholic school, dear reader, everyone was doing it! What he was actually referring to is i was touched by an unseen hand one night very recently on my way home, after 3 pints of Guinness, from our local village pub. I was tapped on the shoulder from behind three times. I swung round with my torch expecting to see my mate and there was nobody there. Cue small amount of wee and involuntary noise. Needless to say i broke some kind of land speed record getting back to the safety of my house. I say relative safety because we have a few active spooks at home. I don't mean the MI5 kind, because that'd be the worst cover story ever, but the dead kind-which isn't weird at all...It might be worth noting that the incident on my way home was not my first encounter with a ghost. I seem to attract them. The only way i can describe it is they know i know they're there and word has got round the spectrel community (if there is one). It doesn't scare me because it's been a thing for as long as i can remember and i largely ignore it but it does tend to unnerve other people i spend any amount of time with. For example a  friend of mine came to my house over the christmas period who was a staunch non-believer. Notice the 'was' because while at my house and chilling out on the sofa watching TV he saw a tall human shaped shadow appear on the wall near a door way. I told him to ignore it because it was just showing off and he put it to the back of his mind. Then half an hour later it did it again. There was nobody else around to have cast the shadow. My friend's walk home was frought to say the least.
In our current home we have several active spooks but they don't bother me. Most of my guests have experienced some kind of weirdness when in my house such as cupboard doors randomly opening, door handles rattling, tapping, footsteps, hair pulling, shadows and cold blasts. When somebody new visits that tends to be when something will happen. I'm not sure why. I'm used to it and so are most of my friends and family. Spirits do tend to put 'the willys' up most people-ask my husband after i've had a few gins-but what actually are they? Echoes of the past? Manifestations? Nobody has a definitive answer. My great nan once told me that the living usually won't see the dead. WON'T as in WILL NOT. Like a refusal to accept. Many of my friends and family have had some kind of ghostly experience but in equal measure many haven't. I don't know anyone who has had an encounter with a vampire or a werewolf or anyone who is one. Life would be so much more interesting if they walked among us. It would be a case of unnatural selection. Survival of the fastest. As long as i can outrun Barbara from next door i'll be fine. She is 87 so i reckon i stand a good chance. I used to play a car game with my kids called 'vampire, werewolf or zombie'. I'd point out various pedestrians and my kids had to say whether the unsuspecting potential supernatural was a vampire a werewolf or a zombie. There are a surprisingly large amount of vampires in North Yorkshire. I still play this game in my head while out and about driving. Try it yourselves. It's great fun and makes you look at the general public in a totally different light.
I love to watch ghost and paranormal programs on the TV because i find them interesting and frustrating. Interesting because other people are curious but frustrating because nothing is ever really seen. In particular 'Ghost Adventures' hosted by Zac Bagins is a favourite because you can play the 'demon drink game'. Every time Zac Bagins says the word Demon take a drink. I've been known to drink half a bottle of gin in an hour because of him. 'Most Haunted' should be called 'least haunted' as nothing happens. EVER. Yvette and her team should come to my house.
Witchcraft is a broad term that varies culturally and societally. James 1st was obsessed with witchcraft and demons and even wrote a book about it. Practising witchcraft has been banned then repealed several times over the centuries as recently, through parliament, as 2008 under the 'fraudulent mediums act'. Once viewed with hostility and suspicion it has now transmuted into a mainstream phenomenon and is practised around the globe. Around 500 people were tried and executed for being witches in the UK alone so how is my ex mother in law still alive? Surely the pointy hat and broom are a dead give away.
Ghost hunting tourism is big business these days. People will pay a small fortune to do ghost tours, escape rooms, haunted walks and all manner of crap just to scare the bejesus out of themselves.
Me and the husband regularly stay at the renowned haunted castle, Tulloch castle, in Dingwall, Inverness, Scotland. We go once a year for a well earned break from the kids and have an absolute ball. We've stayed in 3 of the most haunted rooms in the castle and experienced very little in the way of spirits unless you count the top row of the amazing whisky collection. The castle do their own free ghost tour every night which are a lot of fun and include a lot of historical content.and we love it. The rooms are amazing, the staff are brilliant and the food in the restaurant is fantastic.
Whether you believe or not is irrelevant. Most of us are curious about life after death. To some of us it's a comfort and to others it's an impossibility. Regardless of what you believe we don't know for sure what awaits us once we've shuffled off this mortal coil but we all hope it's not just lights out. Endex.       

The observationist: New Year

The observationist: New Year: New year. New beginnings and all that bollocks. Why is it that every year from January the first people decide to be a less wanky version of...

New Year

New year. New beginnings and all that bollocks. Why is it that every year from January the first people decide to be a less wanky version of themselves? Why then? Why not the rest of the year? On average new years resolutions last a mere 4 weeks. Dry January? Fuck that! If you drink alcohol January is the one month of the year when you need a glass of your preferred tipple. January closely follows December meaning lack of money, Christmas burnout and a massive increase in divorce applications. Pass me a glass of wine. Some new years resolutions are manageable such as eat less chocolate, don't spend money on random shit and don't drink prosecco every night. Manageable because your'e sick of the sight of chocolate, your'e not buying presents for bell ends you don't really like (secret santa take note) and you've run out of prosecco. Other resolutions such as be more tolerable of your fellow man, stop smoking, exercise 5 times a week and don't eat meat are just pipe dreams for the intolerant, smoking, lazy burger fan.
A resolution to not make a resolution are the best ones. Keep your expectations low and you won't disappoint yourself or your family. It's a bit like entering into a new relationship. You go in all guns blazing thinking 'yeah, this one's gonna work' then something pisses you off and you revert to type. Cake, wine and onanism. Unrealistic resolutions are my favourites such as 'don't sleep around as much' from a woman who has been cocked more times than a fairground air rifle (thankyou Nick Johnson for that little gem), 'go to the gym' from a man who's only working out involves how many pies he can eat in one day and my all time favourite 'try not to be such a self serving megalomaniacal cock womble' from my ex husband...ok i made the last one up but the unrealistic nature of the sentiment still stands.
I don't make new years resolutions because i haven't kept one yet, however i will be making a concerted effort to lose a bit of weight and start running again-knees willing. I used to go for a run every other day with my running partner-my dog. I like to run distance. Once you get into it you can just keep going. Have the right tunes on and your'e away. Around 3 years ago i ran 16 and a half mile for fun with my dog. I got to mile 13 and had to stop at a traffic roundabout to let the flow of traffic go by. I threw up and my dog promptly ate it. Classy. The motorists slowly negotiating around the roundabout were clearly horrified. At the 13 mile point i didn't give a shit. I was half dead anyway and could taste blood. They should have let me cross. Goodbye dignity.
It's hard after christmas and new year to get back into a daily routine especially when we seem to have put on 8 stone in two weeks. The shops don't help by selling off christmas chocolates, party food and putting on amazing wine offers. Resistance is futile. I need to be able to get back into my bike leathers ready for the start of the racing season but they seem to have shrunk. Even my feet look fat!
The start of the new year always seems to bring pilot tv shows which 90% of the time are a crock of shit. I've lost hours, nay days, of my life investing in watching something that on reflection should never have been made. You can never get that time back.
Before i started writing this blog on new year i asked friends and family for their resolutions to which i had a wide and varied response.
Less procrastinating (or will he?)
Acquire more chickens.
Stop picking at toenails with my wife's eyebrow tweezers.
Cut out sugar (from a diabetic)
Be more zen.
Stop buying crap off ebay.
Grow a beard.
Work harder at school and stop dicking about (from my youngest daughter #soproud)
To do less drinking-not no drinking and not even a small amount of drinking, but less drinking-which is still a lot.
And my personal favourite....
STOP WANKING SO MUCH AT WORK.
Who the hell has the time or inclination to wank at work, or more to the point stop wanking AS MUCH at work? He's a wrong 'un.
On that bombshell dear readers, i'll leave you with this-be kinder, laugh more, help others when you can and live your best life. Also stop wanking at work.